The pReview Re-viewing
Thursday Breakdown of..
June 29, 2012
(warning: Contains cursing.. But you already knew that.)
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window
by Jeff Finck
After playing much too much Fallout: New Vegas recently, I decided that my new fear is radioactive scrotum toads. Or mutant buffalo dicks. These vicious monsters are basically the natural progression from fucked up rattlesnake dogs, or tarantula wasps.. Or whatever the hell a damn Deathclaw actually is. Think about it, though: Toads that have become fused with human scrotal skin? A penis the size of a buffalo that charges around trying to rape you?! ACK!!! They could even make a perk for them in the next installment! (Or just keep vomiting out high quality DLC so they never have to actually makeanother full, original game ever again) You could call your first perk The Pubic Ranger, which is where you get +15% damage versus mutated genital monsters.. Or The Toilet Commander, which gives you 100% chance to hit in V.A.T.S., but only if you're standing in irradiated water. Or even new weapons! Like the Dick Smasher.. Which is actually just a brick wrapped in condoms. I even already have an idea for the setting: The whole thing could take place in Lagos! Have you seen that place? It's pretty much already a Fallout game waiting to happen:
Speaking of the fiery death of possible future World Wars, let's see what we got. Seth McFarlane takes a break from work to write, direct, produce, and star in Ted, a movie about every child's dream: To have their toy come to life and then consequently wreck it with drugs and alcohol.. At least, when I was 8, I was REALLY looking forward to getting completely fucked up with my G.I. Joes. Channing Tatum continues to rock our panties off with his dancing and thrusting in Magic Mike. Tyler Perry takes us down Madea's darkest road yet in the extremely possessive Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection. It should be chilling to see Madea go upside the heads of white collar criminals and corporate espionage. Chris Pine, Olivia Wilde and Elizabeth Banks attempt to convince us that they are people just like us in People Like Us.. Or maybe it's People *Like* Us. Sarah Polley attempts to depress the gizzard out of us with her amazingly bittersweet writing style.. Couple that with Michelle Williams breaking us down further in yet another movie about failing relationships and you have Take this Waltz. Lastly, I Heart Shakey is about dogs. Well, a dog. Called Shakey. I assume it will make you cry.
This is one of those stories where boy meets girl (Lori), girl sweeps boy off of his feet (because Lori is Mila Kunis), boy has a 27 year old fever-dream turned real nightmare-friend called Ted (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane). When John (Mark Wahlberg) was 8, he wished that his stuffed bear would come to life. Thinking it would be hilarious, God said, "Sure.. Why not?" 27 years later, Ted is still real. John and Ted have remained besties, but when John needs to grow up (read: Lori tells him to grow up and put away childish things.. Such as his terrible influence of a best friend), he has to let Ted go. Kind of like that time that Leonardo DiCaprio told Kate Winslett to get her shit together and then she just let that motherfucker drown! Click this to read my full review of the trailer:
Steven Soderbergh has a penchant for stylized, high brow movies.. Movies like Kafka, Erin Brokovich, Traffic, Ocean's Eleven, The Girlfriend Experience, Contagion.. And now, Magic Mike! The story follows Magic Mike Martingano, played by Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum is going back to his roots as an exotic dancer, stripping and gyrating for the lovely people of wherever the hell, just aching to pull the trigger of his Love Gun. He's finally come full circle, and now, like, half the world is aching to pull his trigger. Anywho, Mike is training new guy called Adam the Kid (Alex Pettyfer) at the painfully '90s sounding club, Xquisite, to attempt to get out of the Wide World of Stripping. The shining star in this whole ordeal should be Matthew McConaughey as Dallas, the owner of Xquisite. But I swear I'm gonna be PISSED if I don't hear the line, "That's what I like about strippers, man. I get older, they stay the same age."
Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection
Heller, how ya dern? It is a well known fact that if Tyler Perry makes something, that something immediately makes it's money back and then extinguishes a small star billions of light years away from Earth. If he keeps making movies, we WILL be attacked by a warring race of extraterrestrials who will cease hostilities once they see how sassy and aggressively helpful Madea is. Eugene Levy plays George Needleman, a businessman who is framed for heading up a massive Ponzi scheme at a Mafia company front. In order to escape with his life, Tyler Perry (Brian Simmons) sets George and his entire family up with Tyler Perry (Madea Simmons) and Tyler Perry (Joe Simmons) down in the Georgia. A classic fish out of water story: Madea taking care of white people. The trailer shows her classic "Handle With Hammers" attitude and cranks out some pretty decent kinda funny. I can't wait to see what kind of lesson she's going to impart on the Needlemans that will turn their world upside down. Also, hopefully she grabs another group of white people and teach them a lesson..
People Like Us
Chris Pine plays Sam.. Sam is (what every website in the world is calling him) a fast talking salesman. The trailer shows him get completely shut down by Jon Favreau, implying that, though he is fast talking, he isn't very successful. To add insult to injury, his dad goes and gets himself all dead-like. Sam inherits.. I believe the technical term is "Shit Ton" of cash. He also inherits the obligation to put his father's estate at the ready and finds out he, in turn, inherits just one more thing: Elizabeth Banks as his sister! A sister he never knew he had! Elizabeth Banks is called Frankie.. Presumably because her favorite song is Relax and her favorite city in the world is Hollywood. While trying to get to know her, he decides that never telling her why he's stalking her (and her son) is the best course of action.. Instead of announcing who he is. Hilarity and awkward misunderstandings ensue. This looks pretty touching and sincere.. Plus: The score is done by the fucking man, A.R. Rahman. A.R. Rahman, of course, being Mister Movie Score, himself! (Slumdog Millionaire, 127 Hours, Inside Man, Lord of War, and something like over 100 other movie scores!) So, if absolutely nothing else, the score is going to kick some musical balls! I have a feeling this is going to be pretty tops, though.. The rest of the cast rounds out with Olivia Wilde, Michelle Pfeiffer, Mark Duplass, and Phillip Baker Hall!
Take This Waltz
First off, right away, you have Michelle Williams.. She's got the knack for being the best thing about the movies she stars in. (The exception being Halloween H2O.. Everyone knows I would have been the best part of that movie, and so I continue to see myself as such.. Because.. I'm completely delusional!) Back to the subject at hand.. Michelle Williams stars as Margot, a woman married to Lou (Seth Rogen.. Which is bad ass, because Seth Rogen is hilarious.. And I don't care what you haters think.. Haters gon' hate.) While being married and totally in love with Lou, Margot ends up meeting Daniel (Luke Kirby) by chance and the two instantly click. After finding out that she (and Lou) and Daniel are neighbors, infidelity rears its head like a rhinoceros calf gone breach. The plot sounds pretty "been there, done that".. Except, Sarah Polley has written a script that focuses on the woman who is cheating on her husband.. AND, get this, the husband is NOT a douchebag!!! The preview really showcases everyone's acting chops and the whole thing looks so well-acted that the whole "cheating" plot almost takes a back seat to all of the damn talent. The equivalent would be if Jason Statham was driving Taxicab Confessions around after a bank heist.
I Heart Shakey
In this blatant remake of the television show, Everybody Hates Chris, Steve Lemme plays J.T. O'Neil. J.T. is a 30-something year old widower who has been left in charge of bringing down the house. With illegal drugs, copious amounts of booze mixed with hilarious shenanigans.. What's that? This is a kids movie? In fact, it is the first ever live action, independent 3D movie about the importance of keeping family together, as well as Chicago.. And a dog.. Called Shakey. Well, J.T. IS a 30-something year old widower.. Only instead of bringing down the house, he's raising a 10 year old daughter called Chandler. They own a lovabe pup called Shakey and together they move to the bustling city life of Chicago. Upon arriving, they find out the place they're going to live is all, "Eff dogs. GTFO!" When J.T. makes the decision to find Shakey a new home, Chandler turns into all of every child from the movie Problem Child 2 in order to teach her dad a lesson in family values. And if anyone needs a lesson in family values, it's Steve Lemme. (Addendum: I actually have no idea if Steve Lemme needs a lesson in family values.. Probably not. But.. You know.. Probably.)
Final Breakdown: (In this week's Final Breakdown, Mark Wahlberg reacts to things!)
Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection
People Like Us
Take This Waltz
I Heart Shakey