The pReview Re-viewing
January 27, 2012!
(warning: If you hate books that become movies.. this ain't your fucking week.)
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window
by Jeff Finck
Yo, yo, yo, yo.. how are things? This week, I not only get the extreme pleasure of talking about Liam Neeson some more-- may have an unhealthy obsession with things Liam Neeson says in movies.. not Liam Neeson himself, but just literally EVERYTHING he says-- but I also get to rant about Sam Worthington and make fun of The Wicker Man! Yeah! Also, as I stated before, if you hate when movies are completely and entirely based after literary works, you will probably want to just stay home this weekend and post on facebook about how every movie this weekend is a jerky adaptation for jerks.
First up is The Grey. Right off the bat, I must recommend that you watch the trailer for this immediately.. because if you've ever wondered how Liam Neeson would do in survival situations.. or the movie Alive, now is your chance. My best guess is that he would say something snappy to those wacky Uruguayans like, "We must live on.. we're not going to go silently into that good night.. pick your dicks up, lads. Let's get a move on!" (Admit it, you read that in Liam Neeson's voice didn't you?) ..(Okay.. if you didn't the first time, after reading that last sentence, you totally went back and did.) ..(If you haven't yet, there is something wrong with you.) Back to the trailer.. The Grey is a movie about a group of oil drillers whose plane falls out of the sky like it's an iPhone in a drunk girl's hand in a seedy night club's bathroom stall. After the crash, Liam Neeson and friends pal around the Alaskan wilderness like an older, whiter version of Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids. Then, all of a sudden, The Nothing shows up and starts eating the dick out of everyone like like it's Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi in a wilderness themed eating contest. Luckily for the small group of ruffians and grizzly oil drillers, Liam Neeson will kill everyone and everything in his path, including Mother Nature, to win at surviving. I'm pretty sure that when this story was written, it was right after Ian Mackenzie Jeffers watched an Alive/The Edge movie marathon, followed by Joe Carnahan and Ian getting very drunk and saying every line of the script in Liam Neeson's voice.. I don't even care if Bradley Cooper was originally cast in the lead. In fact, I'd like to think that EVERY script writer goes back and repeats every line of his work in Liam Neeson's voice. I know I do with these reviews. (AND definitely my own thoughts before they become words.)
Man on a Ledge
I have to admit it, Sam Worthington is finally growing on me. He seems so genuine in interviews, he's funny, he has an accent.. he seems like a pretty decent dude. I mean, fuck, read this interview: Sam Worthington is sick of being boring! Here goes, deep breath.. I actually want to see a movie Sam Worthington is in. Man on a Ledge looks to be a pretty nifty heist flick. It doesn't look as slick as the Ocean's movies, and certainly not as gritty as The Town.. but like.. maybe if The Town got a little drunk and managed to get into a ménage à trois with Tower Heist and Inside Man, then plopped out a fairly interesting baby starring Sam Worthington and Elizabeth Banks. The trailer focuses on Worthington as the title character, running around on 2 feet of concrete for a majority of the movie, while Elizabeth Banks shrugs her usual hot-but-funny girl routine and powers through the dramatic role of Lydia Mercer. Lydia's job is to convince Nick (Worthington) to stop it and become the past tense version of the title character. Nick was apparently set up and climbs out on the aforementioned "ledge" to convince everyone that he is going to make like a Jackson Pollock and make an impression on the streets if the people don't hear his story. While all of that is going on, a deeper plot of double crossing and betrayal unravels like a sweater in a Looney Toons episode. Jamie Bell, coming off of like his 20th movie in a row, plays Sam Worthington's brother, Joey. Joey is helming the back plot, in which he is attempting a heist of epic proportions that will hopefully clear Nick's former good name. Now that I think about it, this movie may actually be the cinematic representation of proving that 2 wrongs make a right! Yeah!
One for the Money
One for the Money is yet ANOTHER book turned movie. The only difference between this book-to-movie film and most of the other ones out there is that if this one takes off, there are 17 more where it came from! The book series focuses on the character Stephanie Plum and apparently has a lot to do with numbers. (One for the Money, Two for the Dough, Three to get Deadly.. and then you just kind of get where this is going..) The trailer breaks the story down for us: Katherine Heigl plays the series protagonist, Stephanie Plum. A side note: to me, Katherine Heigl is one of those actresses that is very attractive.. and just NEVER plays likable characters. It's like, she's all, "Hey guys, look at me!" and then blows an airhorn into your face for 2 hours while punching your dick. But I digress. Stephanie becomes a bail bondsma.. er, person.. and her first mark is an ex lover called Joe. As she tracks Joe down, everyone seems to just get in way over their heads in what will be sure to be a romcom adventure tale we won't soon forget.. because there are about 36,000 of them a year. In fact, Katherine Heigl was just in one not too long ago with the Kutch! Hopefully the writing of Janet Evanovich transfers well to the screen and sets this extremely familiar movie apart from literally every single action romantic comedy that's ever been made.. ever. But it probably won't.
Firstly, I know there's a joke about the title in here somewhere. I've never really found Glenn Close attractive.. maybe it has something to do with my introduction to her as a bat-fuck crazy lunatic who likes to boil animals and piss all over Michael Douglas' womanizing ways? Maybe it has something to do with her angular face? Whatever it is.. or was, rather.. I am absolutely positive that turning her into an unfortunate looking man did NOT help her cause. (Which, I am positive that her cause was supposed to be making me find her attractive.) Now the story here is as old as time. Well.. not that old. I mean, this ain't a big hairy recluse kidnapping an old senile man to get closer to his booksmart/streetdumb daughter in order to make her love him so he can kill the greatest animated character in the history of bad guys just so he can turn back into the unlikely lovable prince he swears he is.. but it certainly is a well known one: A woman, pretending to be a man in a man's world in order to "make it", is forced to come to terms with who she really is because she wasn't careful enough to lock that shit up. Well, okay, I'll give it to her.. she BECAME Albert Nobbs. (I swear there's a joke about this name here somewhere..) For 30 years, at that! Like I said, everything was a cryptic piece of hunky dorey for her, and then someone figures it out and it all comes to a clamorous conclusion. Oh, by the way.. this is the THIRD movie released this week that was based on a book! It's gotta be some kind of record!
The Wicker Tree
Let me be very clear. The Wicker Man was directed by Robin Hardy and written by Anthony Schaffer in 1973. The Wicker TREE was directed by Robin Hardy in 2011, and written by ROBIN HARDY. This is NOT a remake or a sequel.. or a prequel. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with The Wicker MAN, that was written by Anthony Schaffer. This is The Wicker TREE is a completely new and totally different movie based on a completely different story, and again.. has NOTHING to do with the 1973 movie/story of the near identical name.. that involved the same guy. (By the way, if you're keeping count, this is the fourth.. yes, FOURTH movie this week based on a book!) The story is that of a young virgin couple, Steve and Beth. They are a country duo with God in their hearts. They take it upon themselves to save some pagans by traveling to bonnie Scotland. Upon their arrival, they are given a rather lukewarm reception. I find that a bit strange.. I mean, you'd think people would react warmly if they're a bunch of heathens attempting to be saved by a couple of random people going 4,000 miles out of their way to impose their belief system on complete strangers for absolutely no reason, with a sense of self importance and vanity. The locals eventually do take to the country power couple, and even name Beth their Queen of the May, as well as naming Steve her "Laddie." They are then subsequently hunted and I assume completely sacrificed to their harvest God, He Who Walks Behind the Rows. So.. yeah.. this is apparently happening again.. 39 years later.
F1n4l V3rd1c7: (in l337 5P34K!)
The Grey: l337 2 th3 M4(x)0r
Man on a Ledge: m4YßΣ
One for the Money: N33d5 a f3w m0r3 $$$
Albert Nobbs: s†r8 2 [)v[)
The Wicker Tree: ?oh /\/000000!!!!