The pReview Re-viewing of..
CLICK ON THE TITLE ABOVE TO VIEW THE TRAILER IN A SEPARATE WINDOW
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read!)
by Jeff Finck
written: March 20, 2013
Release Date: March 22, 2013
In Caveman B.C., there once lived a family in a cave. Normally, that would happen for about twenty to thirty years and then everyone would die of some infection.. But this is a kid's movie! No infections here! So, this close-knit family unit lives their patriarch-centric lives by one rule: If they leave the safety of their cave-home, they will DIE. So, basically, picture The Flintstones, if the Flintstones had never found any form of crude, animal slavery-based civilization. They're like a modern stone age family.. Who lived in constant agoraphobia.. And replace modern with the opposite of modern. Like, Amish.. Or something.
The main character, Eep, introduces us to her family: The Croods! Well, not so much introduces them as laments the fact that she has to spend her teenage years cooped up with her paranoid-as-self-aware-skinless-testicles-at-a-feline-convention family. So, I shall introduce them!
First we have Grug Crood (voiced by Nicolas Cage), the ultra-paranoid, over-protective cynical father. Think Ray Romano meets "that guy who refuses to give up his bushes in that Quiznos commercial".
Eep (voiced by Emma "Appropriately Named for this Movie" Stone) is the oldest Crood child. She's your typical Paleolithic teenager having typical teenager issues with her embarrassing family. On a darker, side-note.. Since this is probably the Paleolithic Era, we can expect her to be having her mid-life crisis right around the time of the movie.
Sandy Crood is the feral runt of the pack. Like, literally. She.. Isn't really in the preview. But the Official Website lists her as a four year old vicious baby wildcat.
Then we have Ugga (voiced by Catherine Keener), the stouthearted second-in-command, but with all the sensibilities of a 1920s stay-at-cave mom. She lets Grug have his delusions of the world being out to kill the family, but probably in one of those snide, TV mom kind of ways.
Eep's brother is Thunk (voiced by the always funny Clark Duke). Thunk is the kind of blind follower every parent wants to have. And apparently this kid is 9, but is six feet tall and looks like he's made out of giant hams. Must be all of that 6000 BCE high fructose corn syrup.
And lastly, the eldest Crood, the cleverly named, Gran (voiced by Cloris fucking Leachman!) watches over the whole lot.. Or, if you're Grug, weighs down the whole lot. Roughly in her mid 40s, Gran is a constant source of "Old people are basically constantly flirting with death" jokes.
Now that introductions are out of the way, the trailer kicks off with the Crood family emerging from their family cave-sweet-cave. Gathering up the family for an outing, Ugga calls out to Gran in vain..
Or does she! People who don't get along with their in-laws confuse me.
We find out that the Crood family circus are a bit of a shut-ins because Papa Crood has a very simple, two-part rule: New is always bad; Never not be afraid. It's simple, it's elegant. I like it. Someone should put it on a..
Well, one day, when the entire family is totally not being in the cave, some kind of cataclysmic event causes an earthquake.. Probably one of them new-fangled earthquake machines from way back then.. What were they called? Oh yeah! Giant fuck-glaciers migrating all over the planets balls and tectonic plates shifting as far as a hundred kilometers, just to tell Mother Nature to eat a dick. Well.. This "earthquake" forces the Croods to run for their lives.. Back into their cave! ..that they totally weren't in.. breaking Grug's rule of staying in the cave and being afraid of the outside and anything new. I swear, the force of Grug's "I told you so" after this could probably power whole galaxies, if they live.
After the dust settles, Eep makes a startling discovery: Literally any and everything other than the cave! As the marvels of anything-other-than-the-cave grip the entire family, a strange, violent monster beast shows up to ruin everyone's life with its bastardized genetic makeup and insatiable meaty appetite, and chases everyone the hell off of a cliff and into a jungle world full of adventure and morals.. And jungle.. And world. Seriously, this beasty thing looks like a cross between a bear and an owl.. But not quite the Owl Bear that everyone is so familiar with. (Motherfucker's got +8 to hit!) Actually, it kind of looks more like Anthony Hopkins from The Wolfman.
On the crash course through their cave-less new life, our titular family learns an important lesson right out of the gate: Never attempt to intimidate a creature whose fists are bigger than your caveman head. They will punch you. Repeatedly. In your caveman head. Barely escaping the punch monkey debacle, the family then runs into Guy (voiced by Ryan Reynolds), an apocalypse-spouting, shoe inventing, conspiracy theorist.. With a sentient belt.
Grug immediately dislikes Guy, probably because in the subtext of this children's movie, Eep and Guy are totally going to bang it out. But they play it off with more "old people are almost dead" jokes.. Because.. You know: Kid's movie. With a newfound verve for adventure (on the off-chance that the adventure may kill Gran), Grug comes around and starts to see the whole thing like a big family vacation!
Along the journey, the trailer teases at (what I'm assuming are) the clever combinations of animals that populate this prehistoric playground: Like turtle birds, piranha birds, sabretooth tiger parrots.. A lot of bird combos, come to think. Plus, there was one I didn't quite get a great look at.. Like a, I don't know.. Lizard and an ostrich?
The last, curious little creature the Croods encounter is made of fire. Fire, you may know from modern times as "that thing you cook with" or "that thing burns things you love to the ground".. Well, little known fact, that deadly force of nature we all know and love today has actually evolved from a mythological being with razor sharp teeth and, of note, says its own name over and over like an egotistical Tourette's victim. What's that? Fire didn't evolve from a creature and I don't know what I'm talking about?
Regardless of terrible Photoshops of the best Pokemon monster.. And despite this entire blog entry/rant sounding a little harsh on the movie.. I think that this looks pretty spectacular. It's about time someone had the balls to step up and give two gigantic middle fingers to Ice Age and The Bible's noticable lack of cave people. I can't wait to see this (whether or not I bring my 9 year old niece)! So far, Dreamworks hasn't let anyone down in the way of their animation, in my opinion.. And everyone lending a voice to this is ALWAYS fantastic. And for those of you who don't believe me when I say that Nicolas Cage is fantastic..