The pReview Re-viewing
Monthly Breakdown for..
(warning: May contain children unsuitable for adult language.)
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by Jeff Finck
Ah, September is almost over and finally winding our way down for the summer. There may only be a smattering (really? smattering?) of movies to choose from (and even less that you actually want to choose from), but hey, these films include Joseph Gordon-Levitt acting his little heart out.. Luc Besson releasing a good old-fashioned family flick starring Raging Bull, Catwoman, Two-Face, and the pregnant cheerleader from Glee.. Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal competing their dicks off for the 2014 Oscars.. David E. Talbert taking a second shot at Tyler Perry's movie audience.. Not to mention, we get a sequel to a nine year old movie, a sequel to a four year old movie, and a sequel to a two year old movie.. Oh, and Chris Brown uses dancing to physically assault all of his female co-stars.. I assume.
A little back story here: In Pitch Black, Richard B. Riddick (yes, his name is, "Dick be ridic!") starts out as a prisoner on his way to space jail, in the charge of one William J. Johns. (The J., I assume, also stands for Johns) After a while, some shit goes down and the transport ship gets stranded on a planet that doesn't understand how suns work. Then, when night eventually falls, all fuck breaks loose for everyone. Well, everyone except Riddick.. Because he can see in the dark and he is very familiar with what fuck breaking loose in the dark looks like.
In the follow-up movie, Chronicles of Riddick, five years have passed since Riddick won at surviving darkness and monsters. Riddick has since retreated to a planet called (sigh) Planet U.V. (Bet you can't guess what their primary source of light is!) He evades yet another bounty hunter and winds up on Helion Prime and goes toe-to-toe with some kooky weirdos called Necromongers. (The writers just fucking rule at naming things!) Necromongers are basically a bunch of fanatical dickheads who take shit over and kill people. Well, at least until Riddick takes their shit over.. And then kills a lot of their people.
Now, even more years later, Riddick is, I guess, not in charge of the Necromongers anymore.. Because.. Reasons. The preview shows us Riddick, stranded once again, being bounty hunted (once again) on yet another whacky-ass planet full of people and things that just want to kill the dick out of him. But he doesn't want that, because then people would only call him Rid. And he can't have that. Nay.. He won't have that. He's planning on keeping that dick firmly in his name. And he's going to use any means necessary to do it.
For some crazy reason, Luc Besson cast Robert de Niro as the mob-related father of a small family. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why, in all of the fuck, this was anyone's decision. But I digress.. In any case, Robert de Niro plays Giovanni Manzoni, a former mafia boss person-man who decided that snitches should NOT get stitches and is relocated with his family somewhere in the small village of Franceland, France after snitching and evading stitching. With his wife (Michelle Pfeiffer), daughter (Dianna Agron), and son (Someone D'Leo), the family settles into a comfortable European life. Hahah, just kidding. This is a movie by Luc Besson, which means the bad guys will catch up to them and there will probably be lots of guns and fantastic writing. And then, I assume there will be a follow-up movie that reboots National Lampoon's European Vacation..
Insidious Chapter 2
Firstly, if you haven't seen the first Insidious, you're doing it wrong. Secondly.. Well, actually.. Next.. ly? Uhmm. There is no secondly. So, forget about all that. Anywho, Insidious 2: Lost in New York seems to start up right where the last one left off with the Lambert family picking up the pieces of being plagued by astral projection ghosts and an extremely ((SPOILER ALERT)) possessed Josh Lambert (Patrick Wilson). Josh's wife, Renai (Rose Byrne) and their son must struggle through one more chapter, employing ancient ghost hunting techniques such as trying to film the ghosts, audio recording the ghosts, taunting the ghosts, hiring a psychic to talk to the ghosts, playing Parcheesi with the ghosts, astral projecting at the ghosts, threatening the ghosts, sleeping at the ghosts, sleeping with the ghosts, and.. I don't know.. I assume, using passive aggressive notes at the ghosts.
I read a mini-blurb about Prisoners that said that Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Terrence Howard were "hunking it up" in a new thriller. Hunking it up, huh? First of all, that's not a thing. At all. And (B) What they're actually doing is.. Hugh Jackman and Terrence Howard play fathers whose children have been abducted by a mysterious stranger. Hugh Jackman manically and feverishly tries to get to the bottom of this shit, vigilante style. Terrence Howard helps out Hugh Jackman for a while, I suppose, but wusses out when he realizes that he doesn't get to punch Ludacris in the face and mouth. And Jake Gyllenhaal plays a detective called Loki who uses things like "the law" and "logic" and good old fashioned "police" and "work" to track the missing children down. Oh, and Paul Dano plays an eccentric, kooky, offbeat, creepy young man who may or may not be an intellectually disabled serial killer.
Battle of the Year in 3D
Quick: What do the movies Wild Style, Breakin', Honey, You Got Served, Roll Bounce, Step Up (the all of them), and Stomp the Yard all have in common? If you said that they were all successful dance movies: DING DING! Correct. New question: What do Avatar, Dangerous Minds, The Help, The Blindside, Dances With Wolves, Cool Runnings, and Lincoln all have in common? If you said that they were all successful films where whitey comes in and saves the day: DING DING! Correct again! Last question: What do Avatar, How to Train Your Dragon, Toy Story 3, Monsters Vs Aliens, The Creature From the Black Lagoon, Up, and Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs all have in common? If you said that they were all wildly successful movies that utilized 3D well: DING motherfucking DING again! Now.. Uhmm.. Josh Holloway tries to put together a world championship, United States B-Boy squad out of a ragtag group of dancers and take it to the top of the box office in a 3D dance movie starring a white coach. It's kind of like The Mighty Ducks.. If they were hip-hop dancers and hired someone who beats women. Did I mention that it's 3D!?!?!?!
David E. Talbert, of Not-Being-Tyler Perry fame, comes at us with his latest and probably greatest! I assume people will be calling this the black version of What's Your Number?.. A movie that came out two years ago that was based the book, 20 Times a Lady, that came out seven years ago.. That should probably be compared to a book called Baggage Claim that came out eight years ago.. Written by David E. Talbert. Fucking David E. Talbert: always stealing from the black man. In any case, the story follows Montana (the girl, not the state.. Who the fuck would want to watch a movie that follows around the state of Montana?!). Montana needs to get married because everyone in her family is being a dick and getting married before her. So, using her powers of being a flight attendant, she travels to every city that every single one of her exes live in and stalks the shit out of them. And then tries to convince them to engage her with marriage within thirty days.. Or else she will turn into a pumpkin. I assume.
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2
Good evening.. Or morning.. Or whatever it is.. shut up. This is The pReview Re-viewing here with your movie weather report. Tonight, we're seeing potential fire raining down from the box office with a slight chance that it will, in fact, actually be a massive hailstorm of money. We haven't seen a movie about food spontaneously existing, inexplicably growing in size and then falling from the sky since the late summer of 2009. Interestingly enough, that 2009 instance scorched the living balls out of children's eyes with radiant excellence. Conditions are perfect for going back and watching the original movie again, just in case you need to re-familiarize yourself with what the plot of a movie (or book) called Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs could possibly fucking be about. I'm expecting it to rain hot fire all weekend, with little chance of any other kid's movie coming close this year.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Jon Martello, Jr. Jon is a ladies man with a strong love of cars, fitness, religion, family, friends, and pulling mad honeys like his dick was covered in diamonds. Actually, wait.. That simile is really terrible. Not only would that be incredibly awful and extremely painful for women, but he wouldn't be able to feel anything! ..on account of all the diamonds.. that are on his hypothetical dick. (Hypothetical Dick is the name of my band, by the way) Soooo, uhmm.. Let's just ignore what I just said about diamond dicks and move on.. Because of his skillful ways with the ladies, Jon's friends apparently call him Don Jon.. (Like Don Juan. Get it? GET IT?!) because they're the cleverest fucking nickname givers that ever fucking lived. (read: sarcasm) Oh, on top of being able to wreck chicks with his Jersey dick, Jon is also completely obsessed with porn. This, of course, leads to whacky antics when he falls in love with Scarlett Johansson and she catches him using the porn.
Final Breakdown: This month's Final Breakdown brought to you by porn stars with the best porn star names.)
The Chronicles of Riddick Smothers, Jr. should be the next sequel.
In honor of America's greatest family: The Keaton!
Insidious Chapter 2
More like, Anita Squeaquel!
Pretty sure this guy would have found these kids right away.. By banging the info out of Melissa Leo.
Battle of the Year in 3D
As in what I need a shot of to have any interest in this.
How it's going to feel by the time she reaches her third ex.
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2
Bring food showers? I guess..?
There's got to be a joke here somewhere, what with all the Dons and the Jons and the porno and whatnot, right?
And now for some runners up..
Almost ended up on the list.. Axed, though, because it's a shitty fucking band that eats shitty fucking dick.
Clearly, when you think porn.. You should definitely be thinking about Kevin James.