The pReview Re-viewing
Monthly Breakdown for
December 2013!
(part one)
(warning: If you ignore this sentence, there is a sideways smiley face after the word "warning".)
Click on movie posters for their Official Websites!
by Jeff Finck
written: 12/5/2013
I think I'm going to have to break December down into two entries.. There's so much coming out! Not unlike twelve hours after you eat six bean and cheese burritos from a Taco Truck claiming to serve "clean food." Yeah, we all know your food is dirtier than Kat Von D on her knees fellating late '90s Bobcat Goldthwait's butt crack, but dammit, it tastes so good going down! (The food, I mean.) ..at least, I think it does. It usually takes me having to soak for three hours in a bath tub full of alcohol before I work up the nerve to eat at one of those mobile crap factories.. So it varies from time to time exactly how much I remember. What the hell was I talking about again? I'm getting a little off topic here. Let's get back to the subject at hand before you start having flashbacks to your last Taco Truck experience and start vomiting your tear-filled eyes out of your anus. MOVIES! For this entry, six of them. But don't take my word for it! Follow Justin Bieber off this cliff into Sharktopus' mouth and keep reading!
December 6
Out of the Furnace
Christian Bale plays Russell Baze, the no-nonsense brother of Rodney Baze (Casey Affleck).. Who, in turn, is also the no-nonsense brother.. Of.. Russell Baze.. No. NOPE! Not getting caught in that loop. Anyway, after Rodney gets out of the military, he immediately hits bottom and needs to make a bunch of money.. Fast. He is also a very good fighter, so, he apparently joins Woody Harrelson's Fight Club! For a time, all seems totally normal for an ex-military, down-on-his-luck young scrapper who turned to a life of crime in order to take a little back from a country that seemingly abandoned him. But then, I guess, Rodney stops playing by even Woody Harrelson's rules and disappears. The movie will probably follow Christian Bale murder-fucking every hillbilly he comes across in his search to find his missing brother.
December 13
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Now we're getting to the good stuff. Finally! Part Two to the greatest book series ever written.. What's that? Not a series? And, on top of that, the book this film trilogy is based on was only like 300 pages? What the.. Well, I won't dwell too much on it here, considering that next week I'm going to write up a full review on this bastard. But until then, I'll just run up a quick sine-ops: Thirteen Dwarves crash The Bagginses home because The Gandalf is The Racist. They all go on an Unexpected Journey to The Mountain, and along The Way, The Baggins steals The Ring from The Gollum, who now hates The Bagginses. Then they all meet The Dragon called Smaug and he has The Worst Day Ever.
Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas
Either this will be another classic romp into old school family values, all being dispensed heavy-handedly and brass-knuckeled-ly by everyone's favorite, violent, outspoken She-Male, Mabel "Madea" Simmons (played by everyone's favorite, cross-dressing writer/actor/producer, Tyler Perry).. Or this will just be an uncomfortable 105 minutes of Tyler Perry dressed as Madea, verrrrry slowly singing Santa Baby at us while we nervously shit ourselves.
December 18
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
What I think is great about these Team Apatow movies is that they NEVER sound funny on paper, but in action, they are almost always glorious: A 40 year old man, who has never had sex, must learn to acclimate to the world around him when his co-workers discover his dark secret. Two grown men must learn to deal with each other when their single parents marry each other. A barely functioning adult becomes a race car driver. A boy, after accidentally killing his brother, must somehow move on with his life and become a musician. And then there's Anchorman: Four misogynistic newsmen continue to be misogynistic in the face of changing times when a female reporter is hired to be their equal. Well, I'm going to end this on an equally unfunny sounding note and say that I'm going to be ranting in-full about this one next week. (The point to it not sounding funny is that my pReview Re-viewing for it next week WILL be funny!) YEAH!
American Hustle
What advice do you give David O. Russell after he decides to make another movie JUST after his extremely successful Silver Linings Playbook.. Especially since he already has an extremely successful history of making great movies starring fantastic actors and actresses? If you said, "Drop acid in Ibiza and never come home again!" I would say, "Mom! Stop telling people to drop acid and move to Ibiza!" But then I would tell him that his next movie should totally take a smattering of the great people he's directed and throw them in his next movie about long cons and political corruption. But his goal should also include making them all look ridiculous because it should be based on a real story that takes place in the late 1970s! (I give REALLY good advice, by the way.)
Her
Okay, I know it's impossible to look at Joaquin Phoenix anymore without thinking, "That guy has lost the damn plot." Luckily, professional mad-man, Spike Jonze, wrote a movie about Joaquin falling in love with Siri 2.0. They're BOTH crazy! And you just know that the future of Siri is going to end in lonely dudes trying to interface with her. All jokes aside, the movie will actually be a little more touching than all that baseness.. Theodore Twombly (Joaquin Phoenix) suffers a painful break-up and decides to try out a new program to distract himself from all the crappiness in his life: The world's first Artificially Intelligent Operating System (voiced by Scarlett Johansson). As the two interact, they both begin an emotional journey into love, loss, taboos, and delve into the subject of how disconnected the world really is.
..But it's probably mostly about a dude who wants to bang Siri.
Final Breakdown: (This month's first Final Breakdown brought to you by the kind folks at The Dictionary!)
Xerothermic
xe·ro·ther·mic
adjective \ˌzir-ə-ˈthər-mik\
Definition of XEROTHERMIC
1: characterized by heat and dryness
2: adapted to or thriving in a hot dry environment
Used in a sentence: I will feel very xerothermic if Out of the Furnace is a terrible movie.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Prolix
pro·lix
adjective \prō-ˈliks, ˈprō-(ˌ)\
Definition of PROLIX
1: unduly prolonged or drawn out : too long
2: marked by or using an excess of words
Used in a sentence: The Hobbit should probably have just been one long-ish movie, instead of the prolix moneymaking vehicle it has become.
Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas
Officious
of·fi·cious
adjective \uh-fish-uhs
Definition of OFFICIOUS
1: objectionably aggressive in offering one's unrequested and unwanted services, help, or advice; meddlesome: an officious person
2: marked by or proceeding from such forwardness: officious interference
Used in a sentence: That Madea sure is an officious person.. But I would never say that to her because I don't want to get punched in the face.
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
Panglossian
Pan·gloss·ian
adjective \pan-ˈglä-sē-ən, paŋ-, -ˈglȯ-\
Definition of PANGLOSSIAN
1: marked by the view that all is for the best in this best of possible worlds : excessively optimistic
Used in a sentence: I am very Panglossian about this movie.. I hope it doesn't piss in my eyes.
American Hustle
Perspicacious
per·spi·ca·cious
adjective \ˌpər-spə-ˈkā-shəs\
Definition of PERSPICACIOUS
1: of acute mental vision or discernment : keen
Used in a sentence: David O Russell is one fuck of a perspicacious director!
Her
Sanguine
san·guine
adjective \ˈsaŋ-gwən\
Definition of SANGUINE
1: confident, optimistic
2: bloodred
a : consisting of or relating to blood
b : bloodthirsty, sanguinary
c of the complexion : ruddy
3: having blood as the predominating bodily humor; also, having the bodily conformation and temperament held characteristic of such predominance and marked by sturdiness, high color, and cheerfulness
Used in a sentence: After watching Her, I'm sure that my sanguine outlook on life will turn my underwear sanguine. (..graphic..)