It's Friday and you know what that means: Mercury poisoning!
Wait.. No.. Mercury poisoning is on Mondays. Hold on.. Oh yeah! Friday Breakdown day!
The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
January 25, 2013!
(warning: May contain one spoiler. But it's pretty obvious, so don't worry.)
Clicking movie posters will open their Official Websites in a separate window!
by Jeff Finck
Have you ever had one of those days where you just put eye patches on everything in your apartment?
So, a few movies came out earlier today.. I feel like maybe talking a little bit about them, if that's okay? HAHA! Too bad! I'm going to talk about them so hard that your eyes are gonna explode through your nostrils! First up, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is a tale of how a young German boy and his sister grew up to become an attractive American man and a hot English woman.. Respectively. If you've ever thought, "I really want to see Chloë Grace Moretz and John Hodgman in a movie together." ..you've probably got some issues that you need to work through. However, Movie 43 delivers, not only that, but one of the biggest ensemble movies since the proposed and immediately dismissed.. And completely fictitious.. sequel: Ocean's 43. If you're not a fan of spoilers, then don't read the next five words: John Dies At The End. And lastly, Parker. Parker looks like if Out of Sight made sweet, but aggressive, love to Transporter.
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
Basically, if you've never ever been told the story of Hansel and Gretel, here it is: Some kids (brother and sister.. Or.. You know, Hansel and Gretel if you're really not paying attention) get abandoned in the woods. They meet a nice old lady who lives in a candy house. The two children immediately check that shit out, because, you know, a fucking candy house! It turns out that the old woman is a witch who likes eating chil'rens. A witch, mind you, whose sole strategy for eating is to have a candy house and hope that children get abandoned in her forest.. And they survive nature long enough to find her candy house. Regardless.. Ole Handsy and Grettles and Bits figure out the witch's game and chuck her in the oven. Game over. The moral of the story? Candy houses are awesome! ..But people who live in them are assholes.
This movie takes the story further: Hansel and Gretel become witch hunters.. Then the writers gave Hansel (Jeremy Renner) diabetes (you know, because of all the candy he ate when he was a kid) and they made Gretel (Gemma Arterton) grow up to look like this:
The story doesn't necessarily hold up in today's movie world, though: Where everything is gritty and hardcore. This is more fanciful looking and seems like it's just plain fun for fun's sake. And that just doesn't fly nowadays. Of course, if they did make a more realistic, modern version of this..
It's hard to really say what this movie's about considering it was made over the course of four years with eleven different directors, something like forty-three big-big stars, and it spans twelve different storylines with almost zero genre commonality other than genitals. Wait! There we go! That's what this will probably be: a Genital Comedy. A new genre-- the Gen Com! The preview does mention something about Emma Stone blowing a wizard, though.. So it could be about that.
Parker is based on Flashfire, a Donald Westlake novel. In it, there are many words. Some of them nouns.. Others, adjectives. Scholars maintain that the plot was lost eons ago. The main character Parker, however, has spawned several movies.. Though, this is the first film portrayal of the character Parker actually *as* Parker. Not to mention, the first time we've seen a Westlake novel on screen since Mel Gibson crushed it in 1999 with Payback where he played "Porter." Jason Statham gets to be the titular wrecking ball, a man who was left for dead by his heist crew.. But, like, he didn't die. So, he's going to go murderdeathkill a bunch of assholes throughout the course of the movie by teaming up with Jennifer Lopez. (Like ya do.) Jason Statham has set up a career of playing angry, volatile, revenge-fueled characters bringing Sudden Given Death Syndrome to baddies for a while, now.. The only difference this time is that he's also a master of disguise!
John Dies at the End
Already On-Demand, but finally hitting theaters.. This is based on David "Cracked.com" Wong's novel about.. I.. Am not really sure. John dying at the end.. Or something? I saw the trailer 389 times and all I've gotten from it is that two guys take some drugs and experience a waking fever-dream of complete and total fuckery. Dave (Chase Williamson) and John (Rob Mayes) are a couple of normal Joes (not named Joe) who fall balls-first into some kind of inter-dimensional universe-ending plot involving who the fuck knows?! So, these two reluctant heroes team up and try to save everyone! Except John. Because he dies. At the end. See?
Final Breakdown: (In this week's Final Breakdown.. Haikus!)
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
Deep within forests,
Witch-hunting siblings must fight..
For your ten dollars
They pray that you pay
A burnt Man must find
revenge abound in two hours;
Teams up with J. Lo
John Dies at the End
Holy fucking shit,
Fuck yes! This looks fantastic!
Watch this fucking now!