The pReview Re-viewing
Slam Edition of..
Jinn
Click the poster for the Official Facebook page!
CLICK BELOW FOR THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: Late 90s horror nostalgia ahead.)
by Chris Ringo and Jeff Finck.. But mostly Chris Ringo
written: 3/14/2014
Release Date: April 4, 2014
Hello all! It's TV's Chrisblkchris, here again for another round of "How Crappy Will This Movie Be?" More commonly known as my guest segment on The pReview Re-viewing! This time around, I will be talking about the movie Jinn. Duffy tells me this movie has been sitting on the shelf for four years so this should be a gem!
Unfortunately, it's more like a gem from a Dazzle Ring.
For those of you who don't know a "Jinn" actually is, it's the original name for a genie. But these aren't the family-friendly, wish-granting bastards that were introduced to the west.
Eh.. WRONG!
Jinn are demons. Some may word it differently, but Jinn are straight up monsters. Just watch the movie Wishmaster. Seriously.. You may be better off just watching Wishmaster. (Go ahead.. We'll wait.) Wes Craven presenting a movie with cameos from Angus Scrimm, Reggie Bannister, Robert England, Kane Hodder, and Tony Todd?! That was a pretty dope movie, right?
Right?! But I digress..
The trailer starts by stating that, "In the beginning three were created": Man, who was created from clay. "Not so special, now are you, Wonder Woman.. Or women in general?!" screamed DC Comics at it's own history. And the trailer shows a man looking out of a cave.. So, I immediately identify with his manliness.
Ah, cave-times. A simpler time when men were men.. And everyone died of infections by the age of 20.
From here on is where the trailer starts to get all whacky. The next beings created were angels, made from light. But the trailer shows what is CLEARLY a man in a straight jacket with ankles chained to the floor, looking out of a window in what MUST be an insane asylum. What in the hell type of angel is this?! I'm not sure that the people who made this movie know what the word angel means.
Nailed it.
Finally, the third being was made of fire and were called the Jinn. We're shown a Medium-sized Monstrous Humanoid (D&D, bitch.. Look it up. Although, technically, they're referring to Efreetis, which are always fire-based Large Evil Outsiders.. So blow me.) sitting on the floor of a rundown building. The creature is just sitting there looking kinda angry, but mostly just sad.. And there's nothing worse than an emo-monster. I mean, you want to run away, but a very small part of you just wants to give it a hug. You just want to say "It's okay, monster. You did your best."
Also, you kind of want to take its lunch money.
Now we get to the exposition part of the trailer: "They've been around for a long time and some of them want the world back." That's the plot. Sure, there's some mention of a "Prophesied One" (and what movie doesn't have one of those, anymore, am I right?), but at the end of the day it's all about world domination. Now, that's not necessarily bad thing, since with horror movies, a simple plot is usually a good. So, a priest, an Iranian guy, and Ray Park are in a room talking about the jinn..
Stop me if you've heard this one..
At this point, everyone gets excited because we see the only two recognizable actors in this: Ray Park and William Atherton! Ray Park, you may remember as Darth Maul, Toad, or any of his other characters that do martial arts in masks, makeup or goofy prosthetics. William Atherton, you will remember was the environmental guy in Ghostbusters who was "only doing doing his job".. But was a dick about it. He also played Richard Thornburg in Die Hard! You may remember that character because he was a reporter who was also just doing his job.. But was a dick about it. Simply put, William Atherton is typecast as a dick.
Like his very little known role as an actual dick.. Just doing his job.
We get to hear a few ramblings about the chosen one from the Middle-Eastern man in a padded room, complete with crazy-man doodles on the walls. A foolproof sign that he's crazy, to be sure. And then they get to the part of the trailer with all the quick cuts and random action. We get this, usually because either the movie's plot is so thin that if they show us any more, people might realize how stupid it is.. Or they might spoil any twists they had planned. Dear reader, please feel free to insert any M. Night Shyamalamadingdong joke you believe fits best.
The face of both reigniting twists in movies.. And then slowly murdering them over the course of 13 years.
We get everything from a smoke monsters to sports cars being driven really fast.. Away from smoke monsters.. There's Ray Park-- Taking a page out of Jason Statham's book-- angrily kicking and screaming into the night. I really don't know why Darth Park is fighting anyone other than the Jinn, but sure enough, he's there just a-punching and a-kicking away and jumping over railings.. I mean, he's just-- He's doing stuff.
Ray Park added "Stuff Doer" to his action reel shortly after wrapping this movie.
And just in case you are losing interest in the movie, they even throw in an Inception fog horn (you know, the one that's in every trailer with any semblance of action, now?). Also, its never really explained what role the "Prophesied One" is supposed to play. Will she be sacrificed? Mated with? Duped into co-signing a late model Corolla? Sell her soul to a Nigerian Jinn-prince who needs it get his kingdom back?
I knew something was up when it promised me my money in Genie Dollars.
At the end of the day, I think I do like this trailer.. But only because it makes me wonder about how things like the question above will turn out. I really hope this whole thing will work out and the movie won't be terrible. Though, I do also wonder how the Jinn will be shown as a threat, considering it looks mainly like he's just a smoke monster.. Or an emo monster with the ability to stick to ceilings.
Ah, dammit. Great.. Now he's being shitty on the ceiling. Just great!
Unless you and a friend go in to make fun of this movie, I'm thinking this will just be prime rental material (if you can still find those). Just to be safe, though, you should probably rent Wishmaster, as well. There's nothing like hearing Andrew Divoff say "As you wish." and then something awful happening. Like when Kane Hodder says that he WISHES for the Jinn to go THROUGH him.. So, then the Jinn (or Djinn, as it's spelled in the Wishmaster series.. That's right. There is more than one Wishmaster!) turns Kane Hodder into glass and just walks right through him. Classic bait and switch. Oh! Oh! Or when the Djinn tricked Tony Todd into WISHING that he could escape and then he put him in the Houdini underwater-in-a-straight-jacket trick. Oh man! You know what? Screw this new movie, I'm gonna go watch Wishmaster!
No, no no no no.. Wait.. Not this one.. Not this one!
Jinn (2014) trailer, poster, and screen shot courtesy of Exxodus Pictures
Dazzle Rings brought to you by some shitty vending machine
Aladdin (1992) screen shot courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures and Buena Vista Pictures
Wishmaster (1997) poster courtesy of Live Entertainment
Caveman (1981) screen shot courtesy of United Artists
Angel (1999) courtesy of 20th Century Fox Television
Pete Wentz photo (2009) courtesy of Abaca
Sasha Grey (2009) photo courtesy of Sasha Grey Inc.
M. Night Shyamalan courtesy of Nelliate C. and Jayalakshmi Shyamalan
Nigerian scam letter courtesy of complete gullibility
Living room photo (2013) courtesy of The Home Sitter
Wishmaster: The Prophecy Fulfilled (2002) courtesy of Artisan
All credited images found on Google Image searches
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