The pReview Re-viewing of..
CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: [Godzilla noises])
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: May 16, 2014
If you don't know what Godzilla is, you're probably one of those lost soldiers on one of those lost Japanese islands who still thinks World War II is happening. Originally in 1954, the Toho production company called it Gojira.. But then Americans were all like, "Fuck that." and changed that shit to God-Zilla.. Probably because putting God into things is an American past time. Also: Butchering foreign languages. The American renaming might just ring with a little irony, too, because the origin story behind the King of the Monsters also comes dripping with American intervention.
Well, here we are, sixty years, thirty movies, and one incredibly terrible American remake later. The trailer for 'Zilla's newest outing starts off with a nice, scenic view of a serene countryside kind of being raped by a few nuclear power plant towers off in the distance. Things quickly get way out of hand when Sandy Brody (Juliette Binoche) and a team of nuclear.. guy.. people.. squad.. go investigate.. nuclear.. thing stuffs. Or something. But with her husband, Joe (Bryan Cranston), supervising, what could go wrong?
It turns out that nuclear power plants are, like, super dangerous when accidents occur and there ends up being a breach (because, of course there is) in one of the reactors! Oh no! Joe at least attempts to save his wife by rushing to the rescue and.. then he waits patiently at a seal-able hatch. Alas, his efforts are for naught. No one makes it and he has to seal his wife in the reactor and watch as the radiation slowly murders her, like he's fucking William Shatner in the Wrath of Khan.
Now, Joe has to go and explain to his son, Ford (Aaron Taylor-Johnson), how he killed Ford's mother. He claims he tried to do everything he could to save her. He claims that the reactor breach wasn't an accident, either. Joe knows that the ambiguous "they" are hiding something out there.. I mean.. He's seen the massive dick print. Joe claims that he has a right to know what's going on! Because if he doesn't find out all the details, how in the balls is his hit sitcom ever going to get off the ground?!
Flash forward to some exotic beach town in Hawaii, where the director needs to show you exactly how much he means business with this monster movie. He has to show you that the stakes are high.. That Godzilla isn't just some lovably goofy creature from the days of yore. He has to make you painfully aware that Godzilla, the writer, and the director don't give one shit about compassion or humanity. And then they promptly murder an adorable child and an innocent dog with a tidal wave. And then Godzilla steps on everything else.
And in case you haven't picked up on the scale of this bastard, yet, there's a pretty sweet scene with soldiers sitting helplessly by while jets just fall out of the sky (OR MAYBE IT'S MOTHRA!! IT'S GOTTA BE MOTHRA!). And another where people sit helplessly by while the Golden Gate Bridge gets ripped to shreds. On a side note: What the fuck are MUTOs? I just spent an hour finding hidden shit all over this website: M.U.T.O. Research. So, there's this scene where David Straithairn is viewing two screens labeled MUTO 1 and MUTO 2.. The military has them on surveillance? Government issued monster hunter monsters, maybe? What is this, an Asylum movie?
At this point, David Straithairn makes his call to action: He needs his people to protect their family and loved ones. He needs them to brave certain death by fighting a fuck-massive dinosaur with radiation for blood in order to save the world from Stone Age reversion. But come on, David Straithairn, Godzilla isn't all that bad, right? I mean, he's just a cranky, old amphibious reptile who is probably just looking for a good time involving ice cream and staying up late to watch old horror movies. Plus, how bad could he really be? I mean, all's he really knows is stepping on things and being really loud at three in the morning, right?
Some people may ask, "Why now?" Some people may ask, "Why ever?" Some people might say that it probably has something to do with Godzilla's 60th Anniversary. Some people might say, "Fuck it. Remakes are safe and are almost guaranteed to make money!" I say that the whole reason was probably because of Gareth Edwards. Edwards is the genius behind a lesser known movie called Monsters. I imagine that some movie exec, somewhere, was all, "Why in the fuck haven't we gotten that guy who basically made a perfect indie monster movie together with one of the world's most iconic movie monsters?!" And then I'd like to think that Gareth Edwards said, "You give me Walter White, the third Olsen sister, Kick-Ass, and the actual Last Samurai, and you got yourself a movie!"
Godzilla (2014) poster, trailer, and screen shots courtesy of Legendary Pictures, Warner Brothers and Toho
Godzilla and Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. (2003) screen shots courtesy of Toho
Breaking Bad (2008) screen shot courtesy of AMC
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan screen shot courtesy of Paramount Pictures
How I Met Your Mother (2005) screen shot courtesy of 20th Century Fox Television
Godzilla Meets Bambi (1969) courtesy of Marv Newland
Mega Shark Versus Mecha Shark (2013) courtesy of The Asylum
All credited images found on Google Image searches