The pReview Re-viewing of..
HUGO! ..I mean..
highly recommended to check out the trailer and then read!
by: Jeff Finck
The premise: A comic book movie involving the greatest superhero team ever ASSEMBLED! (Did you see what I did there?) Loki, the Norse god of mischief and trickery, rears his ugly head and Nick Fury puts together a team of superheroes to teach him a lesson.. in.. like.. not.. trickery.. and mischief. This also parallels real life, as Joss Whedon has ASSEMBLED (Eh? Did you see it again?) the greatest cast of actors ever ASSEMBLED!
In a very bleak opening, the viewer is told what's what in voice over form, by Loki (played by Tom Hiddleston). He tells us that we were born to be ruled. Not Born to Be Wild, as Steppenwolf would have us believe. What a James Bond villain thing to say! Or a Marvel comic Arch-Villain thing to say.. oh.. wait.. what was that? He is? He is a Marvel comics Arch-Villain? Oh, then that's fine. As "We're in This Together" by Nine Inch Nails starts playing as the background music, the voice continues over a couple of shots of military personnel and law enforcement aiming and firing into the sky.. which makes me think that the bad guy is Godzilla.. or the Cloverfield monster. Or the Kraken.. but the one from Clash of the Titans.. not Pirates of the Cool-ibbean. But then we see Loki, all man-sized and meek looking standing in some kind of chamber.. making me think that everyone is fighting the wrong guy! That's just bad strategy on the good guys' part. You should definitely not shoot into the air at a bad guy who is clearly in a building and NOT in the air. Then Loki jumps across the room attacking.. what they allude to be every car on some, as of yet to be determined, street. Not the best strategy for a bad guy hell-bent on world domination. I mean, how else are people supposed to drive to where you are and worship you if you kill all of their cars? This is just bad business.
In response, Samuel L. Jackson shows up, eyepatch and all, as Nicholas J. Fury, and tells everyone that we should get ready. (citation needed for Nick Fury's middle name starting with or being entirely: J. I may have made that up.. in fact, I did make that up.) How does one get ready for a Norse god blowing up a bunch of cars and tricking the military into firing 3 miles above his head? By ASSEMBLING (riiiight?) superheroes! Almost every superhero introduced to the movies in the last decade, to be exact. Captain America, played by Christopher "Malcolm X" Evans. Thor, played by Chris "Mariah Carey" Hemsworth. Bruce Banner, aka The Incredible Hulk, now played by Mark "Lou Diamond Philips" Ruffalo. Black Widow, played by Scarlett "Muhammad Ali" Johansson. Hawkeye, played by Jeremy "Brutus the Barber Beefcake" Renner. And last, but not least, Iron Man, played by Robert "Robert Downey Junior" Downey Junior.
After the ASSEMBLAGE (ahthankyew), they are brought together in a war room and told of their most terrifying mission yet.. which is actually their first mission as a team, yet: To protect the planet from the scum of the universe! (There is the plot for Avengers 2: Men in Black) We are regaled with all of the heroes doing their signature things, Thor throwing and catching his hammer. Iron Man getting into his armor and flying around like a well armored lunatic. Tony Stark chidely remarking about stuff. Thor laughing at things he doesn't understand. Nick Fury using guns and rockets. Captain America jumping over things and using his shield. Hawkeye, the archer, using archery to arch stuffs. Black Widow killing people with her boobs and violence. But then, they show Thor attacking Captain America? Buuuuh? And then Captain America using a machine gun sans shield? Swuuuh? Then Loki throwing Tony Stark from a building and then Tony Stark turning into Captain America? Guuuuuuhhh???
Apparently, the entire world loses, including the Avengers, because Tony Stark says, "If we can't protect the Earth, you can be damn sure we'll Avenge it." And then we can assume that Captain Planet cries quietly to himself on account of the Earth losing. (interesting note: in this scene of the trailer, Robert Downey, Jr. aka Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, is wearing a Black Sabbath t-shirt.. aaaaahahahahahahahahahaha) The rest of the trailer plays out to the final notes of Nine Inch Nails' appropriately used track, and The Avengers' "A" slides across the screen, followed by the rest of the "vengers." Lucky for us, the director doesn't let us walk away without Tony Stark saying something super funny, awesome, clever, and snide.. so Tony Stark says something super funny, awesome, clever, and snide right before the end of the trailer to Bruce Banner. And then the first shot of Mark Ruffalo's version of the Hulk screams di-rectly at us.
If words like "nerdgasm" and "uncontrollable bowel movements" and "bafflegab" mean anything to you.. then you know exactly how I feel about this movie coming out! The only downside I see is that whole Ed Norton not playing The Incredible Hulk business. Most people forget that no one cares who ever actually plays the Hulk. I mean, can anyone ever really remember who played Bruce Banner on the TV show? (ahemBillBixbyahem) Of course not! Everyone remembers Lou Ferrigno, though. Of course, in this day and age, Eric Bana, Ed Norton, and Mark Ruffalo were all cast as both the man and the monster, so it caused quite a stir when it was announced he would be changed yet again for this flick. The fans' Incredible "Sulking" aside, this movie looks to be the fucking tits! Great ensemble cast, probably decent plot (I assume Loki turns Thor and the Hulk against everyone,k and then they use teamwork to win the day because everyone knows that teamwork is dreamwork), better than excellent effects, and if the individual movies that feature these individual heroes has anything to say about it, great writing, as well. I can't effing wait for this movie!!!!
Release Date: May 4, 2012