The pReview Re-viewing
2014 Year in Re-viewing!
I'm so far behind writing, it's not even funny. Which is a terrible thing for a blog centered around humor. Seriously, just terrible. In any case, BECAUSE I'm so out of practice and behind.. Let's just get this over with and move onto the new year..
Guardians of the Galaxy wins everything!
First off, it starts out all Indiana Jones-like, and IMMEDIATELY your nipples are hard for some unexplained reason-- As if they just KNOW what the next two and a half minutes are going to deliver. Then you realize, "Holy fuck, Space Indiana Jones is being played by Andy Dwyer (Chris Pratt)?! How are they gonna turn that lovable goof-ball into an action star? And then your nipples start pulsating, shooting warm feelings into your extremities.
Then, further confusing your senses-- however still delighting various parts of your body for reasons still unknown-- You notice that the two Nova Corps dudes are Dewey Cox (John C Reilly) and the fucking Peter Serafinowicz show! They get to introduce us to the actual Guardians. We got a pretty standard brute enforcer named Drax (Bautista), then your standard femme fatale green alien assassin lady called Gamora (Zoe Saldana), then.. Is that a fucking raccoon?! I think it is. A talking raccoon voiced by Bradley Cooper. All right, sure, why not? (by the way, somehow, your genitals are warming up at this point) Now we have a giant ass tree person?!! No way. And he only says three words? Next you're going to tell me they got a big named actor to-- It's Vin Diesel. Okay. AND WHY THE HELL AM I FULLY ERECT?!?!
And finally, it all ties together with the most perfect placement of a song in a trailer that I've seen in a long time. Hooked on a Feeling starts brokenly playing over a ton of quick action shots, culminating in full release at the end in a telling hint as to how this whole movie is going to play out: A fucking fantastically fun space adventure full of aliens, explosions and attractive movie stars. Oh, and a kick ass soundtrack.