The pReview Re-viewing of..
Guardians of the Galaxy!
CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: I am not Groot.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: August 1, 2014
Look, it would take roughly forty years to explain all of the ins and outs of this extremely complex story of vengeance and vindication.. Luckily for you, I think I can cover the whole thing in about two words: Space Avengers. (kind of.) ((okay, four words.))
Okay, that's a bit of an oversimplification. Let's tackle this one person at a time.. And from the perspective of someone who knows absolutely zero about the comic books this movie is based on! First up, Peter Quill aka Star-Lord (Chris Pratt)! He's just some, seemingly, normal dude who became an interstellar outlaw on the run from.. Space cops.. Or something. He may also be part alien.. But, like, humanoid aliens.. Not acid-spitty, dildo head aliens. Picture Captain Kirk mixed with the kid from Treasure Planet..
Next, we have Gamora (Zoe Saldana). (Gamora, like a girls name.. Not Gemmorrah like the sister city of anal banging and apocalyptic hellfire.. No matter how many fanboys out there wish Zoe Saldana was into either of those things.) Speaking of Kirk, Gamora is a hot, green alien chick that I assume Star-Lord will make out with. Or bang out. Or not. Either way. She's a bad ass assassin (badassin?) who is out for redemption and conscience-clearing. Apparently, she doesn't really have any special powers other than being raised by the Mad Titan Thanos (aka that one guy at the end of The Avengers that every non-comics fan thought was a purple Incredible Hulk). Remember that guy? It's actually a good thing it wasn't a purple Incredible Hulk..
Then, there's Arthur Douglas aka Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista). Arthur was a family man on Earth when Thanos decided, "Fuck that." and murdered the shit out of him and his family because.. Actually, I don't know why. Thanos is a dick? Yeah, let's go with that. In any case, Arthur was resurrected by some mystical being and his spirit was inserted into a vengeance machine called Drax. Drax hates everything that doesn't involve killing Thanos. He's kind of like Kratos from God of War, except, you know, his story predates God of War by about thirty years. So.. He's like Kratos' daddy.
Groot (Groot Diesel). I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot.
Lastly, there's Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper). He's a racoon that talks and likes guns. There's not a whole lot more to it than that. He, also, has all the super-powers of a normal Earth raccoon, and.. You know.. He talks. And he likes guns.
Okay, so the trailer doesn't have a whole lot going on for it in the way of plot, but it does awesomely do everything else right. It mainly focuses on character introduction in the form of some fun banter between Mr. Cellophane and the voice of Darth Maul. (He was also Pete in Shaun of the Dead!) It starts off with Star-Lord snatching some mysterious orb from an alien temple, only to be caught by Korath the Pursuer (Djimon Hounsou).. Only to reveal that no one knows who the fuck this guy is.
The filler in the trailer is action packed and filled with stuff that hints at the bigger story if you're clever enough to catch it. Not to mention, the choice of Blue Swede's version of Hooked on a Feeling playing over it all just sets the entire over-arcing tone of this flick. Just perfect. At one point, there seems to be a prison break.. Probably just before the five of these anti-heroes team up. If you can get past the fact that Chris Pratt got ripped for this role, Star-Lord, in another smash-cut, looks like he got a full-body pink belly. Also, Gamora is all topless and stuff-- Not really relevant to plot, but hey, Marvel's so far ahead of DC on the women's equality front that no one will care. There's also a quick shot where blue cyborg Amy Pond is about to ruin fake-Ed Helms' day in the midst of all the characters posing their balls off in the middle of every action shot in the movie. And it all, of course, wraps up with a snarky one-liner..
Look, I can't front. I am not one of these people who will sit here and claim that I've been waiting for this movie since forever.. Or that I even knew there was a fucking talking raccoon in Marvel's roster until about six months ago. I did, however, do a ton of research once I saw how amazing this movie looked. And damn. This story is fantastic! And the way Marvel is tying everything together is like the work of a master painter-- Every stroke means something. It's almost disgusting how much money they're making from this craft-work. All I know is that, on August 1st, I'm going to get into my best Gamora costume, go down to the theater and assassinate some fucking nachos while I enjoy the latest comic book crack that Marvel has put out!
Oh! If you want to watch the unnecessarily awesome International Trailer that was released that gives everyone a better idea as to what the eff is going on.. And where I don't break anything down because of how insanely awesome it is, check that out by clicking here:
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) poster, trailer and screen shots and The Incredible Hulk (2008) screen shot courtesy of Marvel Studios
Shirtless Kirk courtesy of Manscaping
Treasure Planet (2002) screen shot courtesy of Walt Disney Feature Animation
Rocket Raccoon & Groot: The Complete Collection (2013) courtesy of Marvel Comics
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures
All credited images found on Google Image searches