The retuRn of the
Friday Breakdown for..
February 7, 2014!
(warning: We have nothing to fear but fear itself. ..and spiders.)
Clicking posters will open up that movie's Official Website in a separate window!
by Jeff Finck
It's been a while since I've done the weekly Breakdown, but I'm bringing it back! I think it really works out this month considering there are roughly two hundred and fifty three thousand movies coming out and spacing them will just be nicer to read. I did want to briefly address the fact that it is February.. Ahhh, February: The only month that marries the euphoric feeling of love and romance with this country's veiled attempt to claim America isn't racist.. Seriously, they have one black friend. And they tell everyone about him! I am, of course, getting at the fact that it's also Black History month! Valentine's Day meets black people. February is awesome.
Simon Pegg plays Jack, an accidental children's book author turned hopeful crime novelist. That alone sounds worth watching, but it gets crazier: The rest of the story is all based on a Bruce Robinson novella called Paranoia in the Launderette. If you don't know who Bruce Robinson is, he's got some pretty decent books under his belt, but he's responsible for writing the movies The Rum Diaries, In Dreams, Jennifer 8, The Killing Fields, Fat Man and Little Boy, and Withnail and I.. So, you know, his style is all over the fucking place and garners either extreme love or extreme hate for his efforts, so we'll see who bashes this and who hides their copy in their tighty-whiteys. In any case, Simon Pegg's Jack is a paranoid mess thanks to his extremely unique life and childhood, and not helped in the least by his latest project: Decades of Death, which has him convinced that he's being targeted for murder. He has to face his fears and try to get past his traumatic past which seems to center on a character he created for one of his children's books called Harold the Hedgehog, as well as a local Launderette. This kind of looks like if Permanent Midnight was written by David Wong and directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet..
If you ever wanted someone to make The Matrix in the tone of Wreck-It Ralph, but set it in the LEGO universe, then buy a new shirt because your nipples will rip your current one to shreds! ..because of how erect they are. ..because someone did that thing I said that you may have wanted. ..about the Matrix/Wreck-It Ralph/LEGO thing. .....whatever. The LEGO Movie! The whole thing focuses on your average every-man construction worker called Emmet (Christ Pratt), who is extremely enthusiastic in simply existing, even if everything in his world is capitalistic, drone-like horseshit. Whooooaaah.. I know what you're thinking: "That's pretty heavy for a kids' movie." And you're right! But it doesn't stop it from being true. Or a kids' movie! Emmet is mistakenly pegged as being the most Special mini-figure in the entire universe and falls in with a group of people called The Master Builders (which, of course, include Batman and Abraham Lincoln). Together, with the help of punk rock heroine Wyldstyle, they must overthrow Lord Business (Will Ferrell) before he.. Ends the world.. And.. Wins? I guess?
During World War II, while Adolf Elizabeth Hitler was running around giving speeches and being a complete douche-fucker (one who fucks douches), he was also having his people snatch up as much non-Aryan art as they could get their shitty, awful hands on so that it could be destroyed, thus eliminating any traces of non-Nazi culture. In 1943, a mouthful of a group called the American Commission for the Protection and Salvage of Artistic and Historic Monuments in War Areas was created and they established a Monuments, Fine Arts, and Archives program that sent around 400 service-members and civilians into the field alongside the Allied Forces to help preserve as much art and culture as they could. While this movie (starring George Clooney, Matt Damon, Cate Blanchett, Bill Murray, John Goodman, Jean Dujardin, Bob Balaban, Hugh Bonneville) is extremely important for art enthusiasts (and in my opinion, history in general), this is basically just a real life Ocean's Eleven..
Richelle Mead is the latest to taste book-to-movie greatness with her series (by the same name). It follows Rose (Zoey Dutch) in her forced pursuit of becoming a vampire bodyguard at a secret Montanan (Montanian? Montanyun? Native of Montana.) high school full of both peaceful-ish vampires (Moroi) and their half-human/half-vampire protectors-in-training (Dhampirs). Her goal is to protect her best friend (who is also a vampire princess because, why not?), Lissa (Lucy Fry). They hate high school: All the girls are catty, there are vampires everywhere.. And don't even get me started on the homework.. Like, totes macgotes fer sher. Oh, and they're being hunted down by an unknown evil. On Friday, be sure to watch HarryPotter and the Chamber of Clueless Mean Girls!
In order to create a better team atmosphere, the President from 24 sends his workers on a wilderness retreat.. And then things go horribly wrong. When their wilderness leader Jean-Claude Van Damme and pilot are out of commission, Chris (Adam Brody)-- a shy nobody at work-- needs to step up and come out of his shell (because every shy nobody in movies has to do this at some point in their movie life) and confront the office dick, Phil (Rob Huebel), in order to save his coworkers from certain Van Damme-less doom. Think Tropic Thunder meets Severence meets Lord of the Flies.. But all of that is being smothered to death by McHale's Navy.. The one from 1997.
When Danni (Katrina Bowden) becomes the newest nurse at.. Local hospital (where every nurse is hot.. apparently).. Head nurse, Abby Russell (Paz de la Huerta), takes notice. Abby has a dark secret, though: She's really a man! Killer.. A man-killer. She might be a man, I don't know. Haven't seen it yet.. But this movie is loudly screaming, "TWIST!" at the top of its lungs into the shattered psyche of a schizophrenic, homeless orphan. Regardless, she's a serial killer who hates men and becomes obsessed with Danni. To put this movie in simple terms, this is Single White Female and Audition having a baby and then that baby passed its NCLEX and became Nurse Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers.
Final Breakdown: As always this Final Breakdown expresses ambiguous opinions! However, it is brought to you by a phantastic list of Phobias!
A Fantastic Fear of Everything
The LEGO Movie
The Monuments Men
(yes, I realize that Marceline doesn't actually drink blood)
Welcome to the Jungle
Thanks for stopping by! Be sure to check out my older entries! There's even a handy alphabetical list to the side of the page. (Unless your Mobile, in which case, just check the drop-down menu for my Alpha list.) See you in about a week!
Valentine's Day card background courtesy of http://www.wa11paper.com/
Blackenstein (1973) screen shot courtesy of Exclusive International
A Fantastic Fear of Everything (2012) poster, Welcome to the Jungle (2013) poster, and Silent Hill: Revelation screen shot courtesy of Universal Pictures
Micmacs (2009) poster courtesy of Sony Pictures and Warner Bros.
Alf (1986), The LEGO Movie (2014) poster, Ocean's Elven (2001) poster, Harry Potter screen shot, and the Joe Versus the Volcano (1990) screen shot courtesy of Warner Bros.
LEGO tower pic courtesy of Swanmore Primary School blog (2012)
Jimmy Hopkins of Bully (2006) courtesy of Rockstar Games
The Monuments Men (2014) poster courtesy of Columbia Pictures
Vampire Academy (2014) poster courtesy of The Weinstein Company
Clueless (1995) and Mean Girls (2004) cast and Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) screen shot courtesy of Paramount Pictures
Nurse 3D (2012) poster courtesy of Lionsgate
Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988) poster courtesy of MGM Home Entertainment
President Franklin Roosevelt, Debonair with His Cigarette Holder, 1939 courtesy of the Everett Collection
Adventure Time (2010) screen shot courtesy of Cartoon Network Studios
All credited images found via Google Image searches