The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
(warning: Contains munities. And cursing. Okay, no munities..)
Clicking on movie posters will open their Official Websites in a separate window.
by Jeff Finck
As always, feel free to just skip this inane circus of words for future paragraphs filled with actual movie information.. But I feel this is worth saying: It is a well-known fact that I am not a fan of books.. Or reading.. And when it comes to reading books, I'd much rather just shotgun the info by puncturing the side of a book and letting its knowledge pour haphazardly into my brain like an edifying rainstorm from a cloud of enlightenment. One of the few things that I do tolerate, however, is reading magazines. (I do, in fact, read a Playboy for the articles. The articles are those things that the women in the pictures have that look like breasts, right?) I try not to discriminate when looking for a good read in the magazine section of my local.. Magazine.. Shop.. (They have those, right?) So, when I browse, I tend to come across some pretty zany action like the popular Star Wars cooking mag, Wookie Chowder.. Or the DIY indie mag, Lake Tractor Monthly.. or that time I read that article in Plane & Pilot about how the success of jet bombings is higher after the pilots subject themselves to twelve straight hours of Christina Aguilera's song, Fighter. My latest discovery of sheer whackery was in the May/June issue of BEAR Magazine. I was nearly thrown out of my shoes: Margaret Cho is a bear?! Now, I may be getting my definitions crossed, but I thought, "The stones on these people comparing Margaret Cho to basically being a voracious, unstoppable land shark!" As it turns out, upon further investigation, the magazine is actually about a very specific group in the gay community that consists of "unshaven masculine men." In hindsight, it makes much more sense comparing Margaret Cho to that definition of a bear, rather than a 1200 pound furry mass of muscle and murder. That would just be mean.
It's time to educate everyone on the goings on of your local cinemas this weekend. Tomorrow promises some pretty decent action, some comedy, a little dancing, a controversial Chinese artist, Moon Nazis, and serial killing police officers played by Matthew McConaughey.. And only Matthew McConaughey. The action/comedy double threat, The Watch, shows us that average, every day, normal, vigilante-minded, neighborhood weirdoes just might be our last line of defense in the event of an alien invasion.. If they attack us one at a time and accidentally give us one of their death rays. Step Up Revolution, literally, dances your pants off.. Figuratively. In Killer Joe, Speed Racer hires someone to throw his momma from a train.. Into some bullets! Iron Sky, the long awaited (six years in the making) comedy (slash) sci-fi (slash) action flick about Moon Nazis invading Earth, finally gets released. You'd think after 70 years, they'd let some shit go. And finally, there is a documentary called Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry, about an unapologetic Chinese artist called Ai Weiwei.. Who is never sorry. He should really listen to a Justin Bieber album.
Unwittingly, but still adding to the long list of unfortunate timing in pop culture, The Watch started releasing trailers at a very sensitive time in the history of neighborhood watches. The publicity team changed the shit out of their game plan very shortly after the fatal shooting of Trayvon Martin. (Remember that? The shooting that involved some hard-headed idiot with a gun, hiding behind some stupid, murder-condoning law?) Well, the original trailer was for a movie called Neighborhood Watch, and was a short teaser of four (spectacular comedians) dudes driving through a neighborhood, suspiciously mean-mugging everyone. This, of course, quickly bounced into a full trailer for a movie called The Watch, about four (spectacular comedians) simple-ish dudes prepping themselves for an alien invasion. This now seems a little insensitive to Arizonan illegal immigrants, but hey, you can't please everybody. This is Mikey, just before he was rudely abused and blown into little puddles of alien goo by INS Division 6. Click it to view my FULL trailer review of The Watch! (Telling you to go out and see this as soon as possible!)
Now, I know what you're thinking: "When the hell are the Step Up movies going to actually step up and say something!? I mean, really say something?" My response is, "Kwwwghppt!" Because your question is ridiculous and it gave me a brain spasm in my speech box. Well, it turns out that the time in which all of our Step Up aspirations for a message are very much at our extremely happy feet. Dancing their way into Miami, the local dance crew called the MOB.. (That may be M.O.B... or simply just "the mob." Or, what I will call them from now on, Mob (Mohb), in honor of the late, great, suffering prophet: Job.) Well, this story follows Emily Anderson (Kathryn McCormick) on her journey to Miami, in the hopes of dancing and falling in love with the leader of a local dance crew.. Her hopes also include that her father (a wealthy real-estate tycoon, played by Peter "Center Stage" Galagher) will not tear down the neighborhood of the leader of the dance crew that she plans on falling in love with. (She has VERY specific plans.) Of course, all of her plans fall apart when her father plans on tearing down the neighborhood of the very leader of the very local dance crew that she falls in lov.. Oh, you don't need to know the plot.. Just watch this movie because there will be a fuck ton of awesome dance moves. Moves like this!
After running up a $6,000 debt to some guy who is fond of deeper-than-necessary graves and electrical tape, Chris Smith (Emile Hirsch) finds himself in a terrible monetary pickle. If he'd only just calm down, he'd see that his choices are rather simple: He could rob a bank.. Or rob several convenience stores.. Or get a nice reputable job, and then rob it.. Or.. Or he can have his mom killed for the $50,000 life insurance policy by hiring a homicidal cop called Killer Joe (Matthew McConaughey). As the movie is called Killer Joe, I assume he goes for the latter and ends up in an unusual game of Kill My Mom First And Then You Get Your Money, But Here's My Attractive Sister As Collateral In Case I Completely Fuck It All Up Which I Probably Will. (Plus side: It's a steal at only $25,000! Downside: You can only ever play it once.) Matthew McConaughey hasn't gotten to play a psycho on-screen in a while: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Reign of Fire, Frailty.. Fool's Gold.. So, this should be a treat to watch all of the crazy unfold!
Now, this was on my best of 2011 trailers list.. And it is FINALLY getting some play. If you've ever played a video game with Nazis in it (Wolfenstein, BloodRayne, Operation Darkness, Call of Duty: World at War, Call of Duty: Black Ops, Clive Barker's Jericho), or ever seen a movie with Nazis in it (Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Bulletproof Monk (also a comic book), Captain America (also a comic book), Constantine (also a comic), Hellboy (also a comic book, pattern, much?), Nazis at the Center of the Earth).. Or were, in fact, a Nazi at any point in your life, then you must realize that Hitler was obsessed with giving the world nightmares over what he may or may not have been able to do using sorcery and the imagination of Roger Corman. This movie says, "What if, in 1945, a bunch of Nazis went to the Moon and lived there for 70 years, biding their time until Newt Gingrich gave them the green light to show the world that a Moon base is possible?" And then answers its own question with invading Moon Nazis! Can't fucking wait! (Click the pic below to read my 2011 Year in Review.)
Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry
This documentary follows Chinese artist and extreme activist, Ai Weiwei. Despite how insanely fun his name is to say, this guy is extremely unpopular in China. Wait.. I mean, he's extremely unpopular with the Chinese government. He's one of China's most famous artists.. Mainly because of how critical he is of how China is run. Known for ripping apart Chinese history and fabricating entirely new objects out of the shards (Or, in some cases, just leaving the shards), Ai is seen by some as a fantastic poet in the field of visual arts, and by others (ie the Chinese government), as a massive Chinese Grass Mud Horse rapist.
Final Breakdown: (This week's Final Breakdown brought to you by crack mixed with speed!)
Some people need the neighborhood watch to keep them safe..
This kid actually ate his neighborhood watch!
And I'm sure he'll be in the theaters tomorrow for seconds!
Step Up: Revolution
This guy looks terrified, but don't be fooled,
he's just waiting for the DJ to fuck everyone's shit up tomorrow!
Matthew McConaughey isn't shirtless in this?! FFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!
Oh? He might be? And he's a suave contract killer, you say?
I immediately regret doing all of that crack and speed and gaining telepathic head explodey.
Nothing makes Nicolas Cage crazier than Moon Nazis!
As in, WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL HIM THERE WAS A MOVIE ABOUT MOON NAZIS!!!!???
Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry
Art and Chinese activist artists.. It doesn't get much more revolutionary..
Throw in Charlie Sheen on tiger blood and you have a fucking party!