The pReview Re-viewing of..
CLICK BELOW FOR THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: This film not to be confused with Apple's newest product in body rejuvenation, the iFrankenstein.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: January 27, 2013
If you just got out from being trapped in a well, and had been down there for the last 196 years, allow me to explain Frankenstein to you very briefly. There was once a fictitious man called Victor Frankenstein who had a passion for science. He was even fairly normal for a time.. Right up until that moment in college when he decided that reanimating dead flesh would be the cat's tits! (We've all been there after a night of drinking, am I right?) So he scrapes together some body parts and goes to town! (So to speak.. He probably did it outside of town because of.. I don't know.. Discretion?) He immediately regrets his decision and is all, "Gross. I'm out." and leaves his Creation to run wild. This, of course, backfires immediately as the Creature seeks bloody revenge and ruins the good doctor's life by killing everything he loves that isn't already dead. Then Dr. Frankenstein tries to hunt his Creation down to get re-revenge, only to fail miserably and die.. Which leaves the Creature all depressed and shit.. So the Creature gets all emo-depressed and runs off into the wild to kill itself.
Now, 200 years later, Frankenstein's Creature (Aaron Eckhart) is looking better than ever and calling himself Adam. At some point, he ditched his emo cut for a Norwegian metal hairdo and then traded that one in for a sell-out office hairstyle.. And now he is in.. Uhm.. City? ..looking for.. Stuff? Actually, I got sidetracked on his ever-changing hair and I'm not entirely sure what he's doing at this point. I think there are demons after him and then gargoyles show up.. And somehow, they went from a massive, giant-sized monster Adam Frankenstein who looks like he uses rhino horns as toothpicks to a normal, Aaron Eckhart sized Adam Frankenstein who kind of looks like a he might be a lawyer who got all depressed and decided to dress down for the day because the other Classic Horror Movie Monsters went out drinking and didn't invite him.
Which brings us to the trailer! YEAH! And just right away, it is established that Gargoyles have absolutely zero knowledge (or desire?) on how to use a fucking door. So, this Gargoyle (let's call him Gideon and say he's portrayed by Jai Courtney) comes crashing through the ceiling of a really old looking church in the middle of restoration.. Because Gargoyles have as much respect for restoring really old churches as they do for using doors.. And gives us a little razzle-dazzle by turning into a human in the blink of an unfolding-his-wings. I assume he does this because he needs human hands to read the book he's come barreling into the church to find, and Gargoyle hands are complete rubbish for turning pages.
It turns out that old Gargoyle-boy just broke into the church to read Doctor Frankenstein's dream journal.. Or whatever. What he discovered will blow your mind! Click the link and.. Wait a minute. This isn't a fucking click-bait website. What happened next was that Gideon finds out through an old-ass diary that the myth of Frankenstein's Creature is true! He, of course, bases his whole assumption on a figure drawing rendering that vaguely resembles Aaron Eckhart.
Remember Heavy Metal Adam Frankenstein from the second paragraph? Well, that dude is wandering around the Arctic wilderness in some nice-ass shoes is all I'm saying. He then magically transports himself two hundred years into the future and into the trendier parts of whatever city he happens to be in current times and.. Hold up. I have to address this: He has this wildly different, much shorter haircut, right? And I'm okay with that. I am. But.. But what if Adam wants longer hair again in the future? I mean, how does a reanimated corpse grow hair? It can't, right? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a nice haircut and all, but people like to change. Especially when it comes to their hair. It's not like he can just snag a Flowbee on eBay or something..
Adam assures us that he is, in fact, a beautiful and unique snowflake and then proceeds to show us what happens to people who try to pigeonhole him: He murders the fucking fire from their souls! This apparently catches the attention of the Gargoyles and they try to convince Adam that he should use his strength, speed and stamina in their Dungeons and Dragons adventure. (Even though, I think they meant Strength, Dexterity, and Constitution) He politely declines by quoting his favorite song..
Adam says that he goes his own way.. His way, apparently, is crashing through a window, smashing through the ground, bashing into a subway car, and magically ending up leaping through a conference room window and into Satan's Little Helper's downtown office. Satan's Little Helper, of course, being Bill Nighy in dual roles as Wessex-- the sleazy corporate prick in charge of the Wessex Institute-- and nefarious Prince Naberius-- the leader of the demons and actual Satan's right hand man-ish. Wessex tells Adam that he can't stop the demise of the human race.. Which I think is a bit of an overreaction to someone breaking a window in your office. I mean, Adam did it. What did humans ever do? Dick. But then you find out that Naberius has actually had it in for humans for a while and he's planning on creating an army of Frankenstein Monsters to take over the Earth because.. Trying to take over Earth is what demons do.. I guess?
Enter the female lead. Because nothing says, "We need a romantic interest" like a Frankenstein tale! Yvonne Strahovski plays Terra, a beautiful woman breaking down the barriers of stereotypes that hot women can't be scientists and working for Wesker at Umbrella Corp.. I mean Wessex at the Wessex Institute. She is charged with finding out Adam's secret to immortality and, I assume, NOT to fall in love with Adam. Which she probably does. But, I mean, can you blame her?
After Adam sets Terra straight (I assume with Vitamin A, if you catch my meaning.. And I hope you do.. Because I don't know what I'm talking about), he lets her in on Wessex/Naberius' evil plan to wipe out the human race.. By using immortal humans! Which I think might be a little weird considering that he wants to kill humans, that way the demons can walk the Earth without having to deal with humans, but now they'll have to instead deal with immortal humans and.. What the fuck is this movie about again?! Oh, never mind.. World War Z zombies just showed up to attack the Gargoyles!
And then Adam punches a Gargoyle in the face so hard a building explodes into jet streams of fire! Holy fuck yes! This January, ladies will fly to Earth as Gargoyles and turn their stone bodies into Lord of the Rings Elven fineries and insult Aaron Eckhart to his face.. Aaron Eckhart will claim that he's a monster, but the hot blonde lady that falls in love with him will try to change him.. Bill Nighy will just be fucking amazing in everything he ever does.. Yvonne Strahovski will be the one thing Adam decides to fight for in this whole Malaria-induced fever dream of a plot..
The back end of the trailer is just filled with shit you've probably seen from other fantasy action flicks like Van Helsing, Resident Evil, Lord of the Rings, the Underworld series, every Dungeons and Dragons wet dream, Blade, The Matrix, End of Days, Legion, and even Man of Steel. But let me ask you a question: WHO FUCKING CARES?! (rhetorical) This thing looks popcorn munch-worthy like no other movie that's come out this year, so far* and I. Can't. Wait.
*with the exception possibly being Her
- Movie poster, trailer and screenshots of I, Frankenstein (2014) courtesy of Lionsgate and found on Google Image searches.
- Promo photo of Boris Karloff from The Bride of Frankenstein (1935) courtesy of Universal Studios
- Dracula (1931), The Mummy (1932), The Wolfman (1941), and The Creature from the Black Lagoon courtesy of Universal Pictures/Studios/Int/l
- Fleetwood Mac "Go Your Own Way" single (1977) courtesy of Warner Bros.
- Screenshot of Carriers (2009) courtesy of Paramount Pictures and found on Google Image search.
All credited images found via Google Image searches