The pReview Re-viewing
April 13, 2012!
clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate window
by Jeff Finck
So, this one time when I was 10 and living in California, I was getting ready to head off for school. I walk out of the front door and into the yard and there's this giant bee hovering about. Well, this motherfucker flew right at me and smacked into my forehead. I swear this thing was like 6 inches around, 20 pounds, had a small pipe and Popeye forearms, and was wielding a 12 inch dagger for a stinger. After it hit me in the face, it decided that I should really just go fuck myself, and he was going to assist me in doing so, using his ass big stinger. He buzzed and charged, and I, of course, took off and ran like a BITCH. Right into a tree. That could explain what the hell is wrong with me.
Right.. movie time: There are a few decent reasons to leave the house this weekend, and one great idea that spawned what seems like a horrible idea, but may end up not being sooo bad. We have a movie written by Luc Besson and starring Guy Pearce. There’s a slick horror movie written by Joss Whedon. Danny Trejo, Charles S. Dutton, and Ron Perlman molest your adrenal glands with another. An indie Kickstarter movie about Jazz music or religion or something FINALLY gets made. Oh, and we may or may not have the Farrelly brothers to blame or thank for what may or may not be a horrible mistake or brilliant idea that will probably only excite people who are already hardcore fans of The Three Stooges.
Guy Pearce stars in what is most likely every 90s action star's most moistest of wet dreams. Pearce plays Snow, a loose cannon who is the world's last hope, and who must escape both Los Angeles and New York to board a plane onto a space station/prison to rescue the President's daughter before all of the bad guys from Judge Dredd and Demolition Man find out who she is. And I'm pretty sure Sean Connery has to help him break INTO the prison. Give this a click to read my full review:
The Cabin in the Woods
I think we all see where this is going, right? A bunch of kids head out to a cabin.. IN the woods! They all have to struggle for just the one night? Until morning? Because in the morning, everything will be all right, right? Well, Joss Whedon took that great idea (The first time it was done), and actually made it better! I just love underhanded compliments. In all seriousness, though, this looks fantastic! The 'Take the kids in the woods idea', add an element of the Umbrella Corporation, and then Ted Danson and Gaylen Ross from Creepshow, show up and try to kill everyone. Clever writing and a great cast turn what could be cheesy shlock, into a super fun romp that could actually make horror movies worth going to the movies for, again! But seriously, I'm pretty sure Ted Danson and Gaylen Ross are the bad guys.
The Three Stooges
Never have I wanted to bash a movie more in my life. What's worse is that I have no idea why. On paper, this doesn't look horrible: First off, the Farrelly brothers are behind it (Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin, There's Something About Mary, Me Myself and Irene, Shallow Hal, Stuck On You, Hall Pass.. We actually might want to ignore Shallow Hal..). Second, Will Sasso, Sean Hayes, and Chris Diamantopoulos are all in the cast. Will Sasso is pretty funny, usually.. Not to mention he had the good sense to jump ship on Mad TV before they started vomiting unfunny lines of puke and awful into their fans' faces. Sean Hayes brings spectacular comedic timing. And Chris Diamantopoulos is an incredibly long name. He is completely nailing that. It all falls apart when you watch everything in action, though. Sure, they look spot on, but they're just trying to update something that went well for (seriously) 40 freakin' years! Why? You're the Farrelly brothers.. Just keep doing your blend of hilarious and utterly hard to watch.. Oh wait.. I just answered my own question.
Does anyone remember that viral video of the old man beating the shit out of that intoxicated gentleman after some spotty words? CLICK HERE TO FEED INTO THE INANITY! Well, someone actually turned it into a movie! Really?! This is an Uwe Boll-like move. It has horrible, figuratively, written all over it. They took a very serious incident and over-the-top sill-ified the fuck out of it. Not everything about this is a terrible idea, though. It is starring Danny Trejo, Ron Perlman, and Charles S. Dutton. They even released three 1 minute viral-type trailers for it, that get slightly more ridiculous with each one: ONE, TWO, THREE. The videos make it seem like they took Machete, aged him 20 years, gave him a Castro beard, and then told him that everyone is trying to get Matlock off the air.. And steal his hard candy.. And cancel Bingo.
Blue Like Jazz
Saved by its Kickstarter account, and based on Donald Miller's semi-autobiographical book of the EXACT same name, BLJ (as it has come to be known by me, just now, because I hate typing) is the story of a 19 year old charlatan who is struggling to find himself. He uses religion to assist him, then rejects it, then finds it again.. And then listens to Jazz music. I think. The trailer actually gives us a glimpse at a relatively entertaining journey, as Don attends Reed College in Portland, after escaping Texas and its Bible laden utility belt. The only thing about Reed College is that, apparently, it is completely God-less. This other extreme, forces Don to discover himself in a way that he never imagined. Despite having a nearly central religious theme, Steve Taylor (the director) decided to use a rather adult and realistic take on losing your religion.. And then finding it in that, most sinful, den of iniquity: College.
Final Verdict: (from a Penguin amateur's expert opinion)
Lockout: The Rockhopper Penguin leaps from rock to rock like child who is convinced it is a professional Free Runner. This just in: Guy Pearce is, in fact, a Rockhopper Penguin wearing an incredibly attractive man-suit.
The Cabin in the Woods: The Macaroni Penguin seems to be the most stylish penguin of them all. So slick and so cool, it even got a shout out in the classic song, "Yankee Doodle." Just like The Cabin in the Woods. "Stuck a feather in his cap and called it The Cabin in the Woods."
Bad Ass: Fairy Penguins, otherwise known as Little Penguins, are known to look the part of the underdog. However, if you attack one on a bus, it will football you in the head until you need "An 'amb-uh-lamps'."
Blue Like Jazz: A Puffin is a penguin that isn't a penguin at all, but thinks it's a penguin because it looks exactly like a penguin. Due to its identity confusion, it likes Jazz music and movies about findiing itself.