The pReview Re-viewing retRo
International Die Hard Day Re-viewing of..
Die Hard 2: Die Harder
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read.)
(warning: Contains cursing and 38% less jazz hands.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: July 4, 1990
The premise: Holy fucking shit, it's happening again! It's Christmas again and when John McClane (Bruce Willis) arrives at Washington Dulles International Airport just outside of Washington D.C., more than just Republican assholes will pucker! And after that horrifying image, I will say this: Not John McClane's. (winky face) After teaching every Los Angeles police officer how to do their jobs the fun way, our human Q*bert from the first movie decides to join up with the LAPD, apparently, and keep teaching them how to do their jobs.. Two years pass and he is set to rendezvous with his wifely person by driving to D.C. (aka The safer route) while his wife, Holly (Bonnie Bedelia), flies out (aka The completely fucked route). Posting up at the bar, McClane notices a bunch of assholes about to fuck shit up, and decides to execute his own brand of justice: Get shot at a lot and hope for the best while cracking wise the whole time. (Because asking nicely just isn't the American way!)
At the busiest airport in the country that is named after a Secretary of State that served under Dwight D. Eisenhower, we are currently in a Code Yellow! That can really only mean one thing, folks: Someone has finally eaten the yellow snow. It's a Christmas miracle! Someone finally fell for it! More probably, though, the Code Yellow refers to the fact that all systems are a no-go. Uh-oh! Make that a Code Red. Go-to man-in-charge, Fred Thompson vetoes the Yellow and just calls a Professional Foul on the airport. Now it has to go to the locker room and we are just gonna to have to play the rest of this game with one less airport on the field.
Whatever the malfunction is, it is preventing all approaching planes from being able to land. Dennis Franz and company get suited up to take down the perpetrating sons of bitches ruining everyone's Christmas plans. But when the S.W.A.T. team has been obliterated, the Army's been called in, and the owner of McDowell's is calling the shots, anything could happen.. And does! McClane's loose cannon antics better be enough, or else in two hours or less, the planes running on fumes in the sky won't just be circling and sputtering.. Apparently they're going to veer 30 miles off course and hit.. Dun dun dun.. The White House!
Being the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time has never prevented John McClane from being that wrong guy in that wrong place at that wrong time.. And Christmas Eve in Virginia is no different. In fact, The Wrong Guy in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time is the title of John McClane's autobiography.
This is a sequel to the greatest Christmas movie ever. (Sorry, Gremlins and Lethal Weapon.. Oh, and go fuck yourself, Miracle on 34th Street.) It should be interesting to see how this plays out. I mean, there's no hint at who the bad guy is in this, other than some terrible weather, exploding airplanes, and ridiculous sequel subtitles. But if the first movie is any indication, this movie is going to be the fucking tits! Terrorists and 35 stories couldn't kill McClane.. So, I doubt some inclement weather and a silly title can hold him back.