The pReview Re-viewing of..
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: No Shia LaBeoufs were harmed in the making of this entry.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: October 17, 2014
After Steven Spielberg changed everything that a war movie could be with Saving Private Ryan, there have been many attempts to recapture that greatness. In fact, here we are, SIXTEEN years later, and, in my opinion, no one's been able to do it as well as he did. That's all about to change, though.. Because now: We have fuckin' tanks. Bad ass, Fast and the Furious tanks!
So, the trailer takes us back in time to the European Theater-- And even though that sounds regal and classy as fuck, it's actually a murder hellhole that cost the entire WORLD about 4% of its population. So.. You know.. Not regal. Or classy. And, actually, kind of insanely awful. But, in order to take our minds off of things, Tyler Durden peps everyone up with one of his famous motivational speeches: "If you think it can't get worse, it can.. And it will."
Actually, what Aldo Raine is trying to do is to steel us against the very real possibility that war, just may be, Hell. Luckily for the men under his command, he's charged himself with keeping them alive. All of them.
The military, apparently, decides that Detective David Mills needs an assistant tank driver. As such, they toss some fresh-faced, no tank-training having, young kid into the lion's den. The Lion's Den, of course, is what I assume Brad Pitt calls the inside of his tank. Not because it sounds cool, but because, in between battles, he stores lions inside of his tank.
We find out that Brad Pitt's character (who is actually called "Wardaddy" Collier) has been killing the Fascist dicks off of Nazis all the way from Africa to Germany with his crew. In the closing stages of the war, however, he must kill the dicks off of just one more batch of Nazzies. And, in order to stop this pivotal force of Nazi fuckheads, the crew of the Fury needs to adopt their new recruit and-- Against all odds-- become a family.
Wardaddy tells the new guy that he wouldn't ask him to do anything that he hasn't done himself-- Which, I can only assume, leads to him immediately asking the new guy to command his men in battle so that he can take a much needed Nazi dick-killing vacation. Probably. Probably not, though, because the trailer instead shows us Wardaddy closing up the hatch and driving cannon-first into war and then forcing the stupid rookie into shooting some damn Nazis, Battle Tank-style!
As these young gentlemen try to survive history, we get to take a peek into the things that motivate them: Pretty women, war horses, fear.. $1.35 a day! Hell, for a buck thirty five, they could all just buy their OWN tank with those wages! They may all need their own tanks, though, because we find out that these mere five war heroes are up against three hundred potential members of Hydra.
If nothing else, this movie's final showdown is going to be balls-exploding spectacular. Even if you don't have balls. You are going to grow balls.. And then, they will explode. I mean, come on.. TANK BATTLE! I'm extra excited, too, because there just aren't a whole lot of tank movies, you know? Certainly no new ones. (Sahara with Bogey.. And, I guess, Tank with James Garner?) The new generation, after seeing air and land views, will finally have a new perspective of WWII. Not only can I not wait to see this, I also can't wait until Hollywood finally makes a movie about that one cat that refused to die at sea.
Fury (2014) poster, trailer, and screen shots courtesy of Columbia Pictures
The Fast and the Furious (2001) scren shot courtesy of Universal Pictures
Tyler Durden courtesy of Jack's inability to cope with life.
Family Ties (1984) cast photo courtesy of NBC
Battle Tank (1990) screen shot courtesy of Absolute Entertainment and Imagineering
Chaingun Hitler from Wolfenstein 3D (1992) courtesy of id Software, 3D Realms, and Bethesda Softworks
300 (2007) screen shot courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
That Darn Cat (1997) poster courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures and Buena Vista Pictures
Pacific Battle Sea War World WW2 found on WindowsACC
Tank Girl (1995) image courtesy of United Artists
All credited images found on Google image searches
POORLY DESIGNED TANK GIRL SUPPLEMENT!