The pReview Re-viewing retRo
International Die Hard Day Re-viewing of..
Die Hard With a Vengeance
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read!)
(warning: Contains profanity and, I swear, only ONE picture of fake testicles with googly eyes and a cowboy hat.. I swear.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: May 19, 1995
The premise: Five years after defeating airport bullies, and seven years after giving some thieves the Great American Dicking, John McClane (Bruce Willis) finds himself in yet another predicament in yet another city. He's gone back to his roots: New York City. In true McClane fashion, though, he's pissed a bunch of people off.. But this time, it's the NYPD. While serving a suspension, terrorism rears it's horrible, ugly, misguided head and a bomb goes off in a department store that's been closed for five years. That'll teach you dirty So-and-Sos to liquidate and NOT sell off your property in a timely manner! Wait.. I just thought of something: If Bonwit Teller had actually sold their property off in a timely manner, that building might have been a soup kitchen, or a free clinic, or an orphanage or something! Damn. Consider my words eaten, Bonwit Teller.. You guys are fucking heroes!
In the world's emptiest hallway, ticks the world's loudest clock.. And in the world's busiest streets, explodes the world's.. I don't know.. Like, a bomb goes off. It's not the biggest bomb.. But it gets the job done. ("It's not the size that counts, it's the collateral damage that comes with it!" Says every self-conscious terrorist.) The NYPD are on edge when Scar shows up and is in the mood to play Simon Says. Simon (Jeremy Irons), the "Mastermind of Terror" (Which sounds like a REALLY shitty Batman villain), forces McClane off of suspension and brings him into his cat and mouse revenge plan by, seemingly, just asking politely. Something that not one person in this whole series so far has had the balls to do except for Hans Gruber when he asked Mr. Takagi really nicely.. Oh, I just thought of something! I bet they're related! Simon and Hans.. Not Hans and Takagi. Although, I bet if they were related, they would have a super sexy sister. Now THAT is something I'd like to see. Luckily, I have the internet and MSPaint!
When the path to revenge leads straight to John McClane, you know that whatever city he's in is about to get completely fucked directly up. Having McClane in your city is kind of like having a mobile Hellmouth. Except, instead of attracting demons and vampires and whatnots everywhere, it attracts high octane energy and no holds barred, white knuckled, adrenaline fueled thrill rides.. And explosions. Lots of explosions. Like, a fuck ton of explosions. In Vengeance, the baddies figured out finally figured out that this is the 20th century and upgraded from old-timey bombs to bombs that look like juice dispensers.. But still have all the subtlety of old-timey bombs.
It takes less than a minute for the race card to get tossed down like the last domino at the Andalusia Rotary Club. (Which sounds racist at first, but peep game: DOMINO, BITCH!) Samuel L. Jackson plays Hey-Zeus Carver, Bruce Willis' comic relief (slash) "It's okay to make racial comments because we have a black guy in the lead this time" (slash) lovably angry co-star. As John and Zeus race across "the city so nice, they named it after the state it's in and then threw 'City' on the end of it," Zeus can't seem to handle McClane's driving, so instead of calmly offering to drive, Zeus calmly screams every line directly into the side of McClane's face! I'm pretty sure some big company in the future could get a lot of use out of someone so commanding and forceful with speech..
After a lover's quarrel, it's decided that McClane, when ACTUALLY partnered with someone, is twice as much of a threat to his partner than he is to himself. But that'll teach Sam Jackson for trying to help out some crazy white boy in the hood. It would seem that all of the fun and games are just a ruse to steal some money.. JUST like Hans effing Gruber. (Yeah, I called that shit like three paragraphs ago..) The only difference is that he plans on taking all of the money in the Federal Reserve and sending it down to Davy Jones' Locker. ..Uhmm.. In the Long Island Sound. Which.. If you think about it is kind of not that bad. I mean, yeah, the deepest it gets is about 300 feet, but that's like running from endzone to endzone in an aquatic football field.. Straight down. And everyone knows that I am super awesome at running straight down and winning at water..
The rest of the trailer is filled with Die Hard staples like shootouts, car crashes, train wrecks, explosions, truck surfing, swizzle sticks, macaroni collages, water tubing, bloodied McClanes, yippee-ki-yaying, ship bombs, Mortal Kombats, penguin hula contests, one-liners, and (to continue the tradition of Die Hard 2) ridiculous subtitles. (Side note: I may have made up about half of that stuff.) ((Spoiler alert: I did.)) Luckily, ridiculous and unbelievable are the reasons that these movies work. I mean, seriously, John McClane is about the unluckiest man in the universe! He's kind of like the complete opposite of Han Solo. (aka The Luckiest Man in the Universe) Yep, that's it, John McClane is the alternate dimension, reverse Han Solo. And this May is going to be fucking awesome!!!