The pReview Re-viewing of..
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Click the poster for the Official Website!
CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: I imagine the international alternate title is going to be Captain Cold Man and his Military Adventures.*)
*probably not
by Jeff Finck
written: 3/21/2014
Release Date: April 4, 2014
If you were wondering what Steve Rogers (aka O Captain My AmeriCaptain) has been up to now that all of the space aliens have all been defeated and everyone is pretty much back to doing their own thing.. Have I got a story for you! Well, Cap's apparently living it up in Washington D.C., ignoring all the threats that are threatening the world with their threatenous ways.
And thanks to the current state of how the government treats its military, he's forced to squat at the Lincoln Memorial.
The trailer purports to tell us a tale of even more pressing matters than Cap-tent America's living conditions. It kicks off explaining just who the Winter Soldier exactly is.. In a kind of mysterious, non-explanatative way.. Using cryptic dialogue full of vague details. Yeah, I said it: Vague details! (Shut up. You're an oxymoron.) Black Widow (Scarles in Charge) is dishing all about the phantom that is the Winter Soldier, explaining that most people in the know, don't even believe he exists. And everyone else that does believe is just a fucking urban legend-perpetuating asshole, creating scary tales of season-oriented militant men. Also, even if this guy is really real, Captain America is going to have a tough time finding him.
My guess is because it's summer time. The Winter Soldier HATES the summer time.
Good ol' Cappy Americap parachutes onto a rooftop in a brief shot in order to show everyone that, even though he's a super soldier full of.. Super.. Ness.. He's still pretty much just another normal dude who is not friends with gravity. He tells Robert Redford that he joined S.H.I.E.L.D. to do good.. And Robert Redford, I assume, doesn't give a shit because he's too busy waiting for someone to make Sneakers 2. Actually, he tells Caprageous Americool that sometimes, the only way to help build a better world is to just tear the old one down.. And sometimes, that makes enemies. Really cool enemies with masks.. And metal arms.. Who hate cars.. But like explosions.. And who look apathetic to imminent danger.. While sidestepping said danger in a really cool way. Did you see that scene?! How cool was that?!?!? Oh, and I assume he really digs the show Metalocalypse.
If this guy isn't a William Murderface, then I don't know who is.
It turns out that Nick Fury (The Samuel L. Jacksonian Institute of Technology and Swearing) was in the exploda-car that The Winter Soldier asploded! While he recovers, Captain Steve "Roger America" Rogers America recounts his encounter with El Soldado Invierno to the Scarlett Letter.. I mean Black Widow. "He's fast.. He's strong.. Had a metal arm".. And then, before the Winter Soldier finishes his acceptance speech about receiving these adjectives in a public forum, Kanye West pops into the scene and tells him that he's gonna let him finish, but he thinks Vash the Stampede is the fastest, strongest, most metal armed dude of all time.
This isn't a very good joke.. But I wanted to work in Vash the Stampede, somehow.
Cap left out one key weakness, though.. The Winter Soldier is terrified of steering wheels.
The ability to control the trajectory of cars is a hot button issue with this guy.
Robert Redford (who, I assume is just playing Robert Redford) pops back up to ask if Cap is ready for his Twelve Step program. Unfortunately for Cap, several of those steps involve being completely owned by The Winter Soldier. Seriously, this guy can even throw Cap's shield as good as Cap can! S.H.I.E.L.D. should just recruit this guy. I mean, come on!
He could be called Soldier America! Or.. Captain Winter.. Or something.. I-I'm bad at naming things.
(long paragraph warning)
But then Captain Double A, Em Rick-a is all, "Fuck that." and, since Fury is out of commission, he recruits his *other* black friend: Falcon! (probably.. I mean, there's a quick cut in the trailer that basically says Fury died.. Or maybe it's Hawkeye?) Yeah, to make up for all of his shortcomings (i.e. His inability to fly or understand current references), Captain American't Fly teams up with Sam Wilson aka Falcon. They call him Falcon because since a small boy, he really dug birds. After both of his parents were killed because of crime (because.. Comic books), he eventually moved away to Los Angeles to become a criminal called Snap Wilson. But not a shitty East Coast criminal, either.. One of those cool West Coast glamorous criminals. When he decides to take a big job in Brazil, his plane, of course, crash lands on an island called Exile Island. The apparent reason it's called that is because there is a group of failed villains there that call themselves The Exiles, on account of them all being exiled for being so shitty. It turns out that this group is affiliated with the Red Skull (Hugo Weaving from the first film, for the uninitiated) and everyone is up to Nazi shenanigans. Seeing an opportunity to give Captain America (who was also on the island for unrelated, non-criminal, Nazi-busting reasons) some grief, Red Skull used the Cosmic Cube to amnesiate Snap into forgetting all about his criminal ways and become a goody two shoes idealist from Harlem, thus becoming Sam Wilson once again, in order for him to team up with Captain America.. In order to later betray his new friend when Red Skull un-amnesiates him. Also, the Red Skull used the Cosmic Cube to, for some reason, give Sam the ability to communicate with birds, which prompted Sam to also become friends with a falcon called Redwing. When they got back to Harlem, Sam Wilson donned the moniker Falcon to fight crime with Captain America. And the rest is history!
Is what I would've said if this movie followed ridiculous comic book logic lunacy.
Actually, Sam Wilson becomes the Falcon because he has a super badass wingsuit and can fly. And probably no other reason. At this point the trailer shows a lot of soldiers attacking Cap and Company, which makes me think one of three things: Either Captain America pissed off the United States and they send some dudes after them-- Also, in essence, this means America hates America.. Which is kind of a metaphor for current domestic opinion. Two: Captain America is being hounded by foreign terrorists secretly bankrolled and sneaked into the country by HYDRA (they're the bad guys from the first movie). Or C: Captain America pissed off S.H.I.E.L.D., in which case, good luck because they have a freaking helicarrier. I somehow just don't see Captain America's shield being able to bring down--
Uhmm...
The rest of the trailer sounds off about the end game and how freedom costs a buck o'five and how Captain America is no longer Captain America, but is now Giving Orders America.. And lessons in determining who your enemy is in an aerial battle. (Seriously, if you don't know who the bad guys are, why even bother? Just give up.) And it all looks fucking awesome! Plus, it helps that Chris Evans is pretty much perfectly cast as Mister Rogers. As for the title, if you're not a comic book fan and you have done absolutely zero research into this movie and you're just waiting for it to hit theaters so you can pop that Cinematic Universe boner in your own time, I won't spoil who The Winter Soldier actually is. (Don't click this sentence unless you want a massive spoiler that isn't really a spoiler to most people that want to see this movie.) Being somewhat familiar with the comics, myself, I'm pretty excited that they took this direction with the movies. It'll be nice seeing Cap actually making some friends and finally show him trying to come to terms with how morally ambiguous everyone is in this day and age. I, for one, cannot wait to put on my best American Captain cosplay and charge on down to the theater!
I'll be the one with all of the terrible. Just all of it.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) poster, trailer, and screen shots courtesy of Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures and Marvel Studios
Inside the Lincoln Memorial (2013) courtesy of Metro DC Photography
William Murderface of Metalocalypse (2006) courtesy of Titmouse, Inc. and Williams Street
MTV Music Awards stage courtesy of MTV
Kanye West courtesy of Dr. Donda C. Williams West and Ray West
Vash the Stampede of Trigun (1996) courtesy of Madhouse
Captain America #117 (1969) courtesy of Marvel Comics
Redneck Captain America courtesy of poor decision-making skills
All credited images found via Google Image searches
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