The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
January 18, 2012
(warning: It's award season!!!!)
Clicking the movie posters will open their Official Websites in a separate window!
by Jeff Finck
Did you miss the Golden Globes this past Sunday?
So The Last Stand with Lil Arnie Schwarzenegger (his rap name?) comes out tomorrow! You know, the one where he plays a 65 year old sheriff who will definitely NOT say that he's getting too old for stuff and so on and so forth and things of that nature. Also coming out? Broken City! Finally answering everyone's call-to-arms for Allen Hughes to make a sequel to Menace II Society.. Starring a bunch of white dudes. And the last major release to drop: Mama. Mama is directed by Andres Muschietti and, of course, is based on Mamá, which was directed by.. Uhmm.. Andres Muschietti. It looks creepy enough, though.. And it's produced by Guillermo del Toro!
The Last Stand
Arnold Schwarzenegger plays all-American former LAPD-- former Last Action-- hero, Sheriff Ray Owens. Owens has decided to lay back in a quiet border town called Sommerton Junction. After a notorious drug kingpin escapes FBI custody, he goes to Taco Bell. I mean, makes a run for the border. And in what the '90s would call, "The only way to handle a situation like this", Owens is tasked with being the second, and apparently ONLY line of defense. To stop the guy. The drug guy. And his army of bad guys. In Sommerton Junction. Where there couldn't possibly be any chance of receiving reinforcements. Worry, not, though.. Arnold is going to defeat crime. All crime.
Mark Wahlberg plays NYPD Officer Billy Taggart (named after the two whitest cops in Beverly Hills), who was nearly disgraced years ago with his involvement in a controversial shooting involving some low-life scum that probably deserved it.. Because the guy he shot probably said something about being a fan of Good Vibrations.. And we all know that *no one* is a fan of Good Vibrations. I kind of lost track there.. Oh, Taggart is bailed out of trouble by Mayor McCheese (Russell Crowe) and eventually hired to prove the disloyalty and infidelity of the Mayor's wife (Catherine Zeta-Jones). Further investigation leads Taggart face-to-face with corruption and learning that he should really take pictures before signing contracts.
FUCK! FERAL CHILDREN! First of all: Children in horror movies are just automatically creepy. It doesn't matter if it's a seven year old British kid in a Newsie cap on crutches handing out billion dollar bills to kindly old ladies in lovely floral hats-- If it's a horror movie, that kid is creepy as fuck. Period. Well, in this flick, when two little girls mysteriously disappear into thin air, their Uncle and his girlfriend go on a massive cabin-wide manhunt for them. Five years of searching pays off, because they find them in a cabin in the middle of some woods.. They also find evil fucking fuck-evil full of creepy evil.. And fuck. Oh, and Jessica Chastain plays Rebecca Romijn from Rollerball!
Final Breakdown: (This week's Final Breakdown brought to you by classic Arnold!)
The Last Stand