The pReview Re-viewing of..
Transformers: Age of Extinction!
(it is highly recommended to watch the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: Was anyone else disappointed this wasn't called TR4ns4MR5?)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: June 27, 2014
So, straight away, I feel like I should try to catch everyone up on the Transformers' cinematic universe, from Transformers on through Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallguy, and lastly, Ozzy Osformers 3: Bark at the Moon! I'll be brief: A bunch of judgmental-ass robots from another world come down to Earth and start some shit with each other. And then Shia Lebeouf screams, "OPTIMUS!" for roughly seven hours. And somewhere in there, Megan Fox said Michael Bay was Hitler.
The trailer kicks off for this by taking us back to Antarctica! Yeah! There, the ambiguous They find *another* Transformer in the ice and, not learning from their last mistake, decide, "Fuck it! Let's do it again!" So, Stanley Tucci and friends experiment the balls out of the alien material these big, hulking, transforming sons of bitches are made out of (metal), while Lockdown shows up and poses because of.. Reasons. Luckily, these things are.. (wait for it)
Mechanic, inventor, and secret bounty hunter in the Star Wars universe, Cade Yeager (played by former funky person, Mark Wahlberg), finds and decides to rip apart a *very* rusted piece-of-shit semi that was just.. I guess, laying around somewhere? I assume that Optimus allegedly died in between movies or something? Probably in some weird, mechanical stranglebation session.
In any case, Cade and Company (worst name for a sitcom, ever, by the way) decide that it's time to get to work. However, Cade has never seen a rusted out, pile of garbage semi truck, before (apparently), and something's just not quite right, here.. Oh, and guys? I think we just found a Transformer.
I will only say this once: If you are some nobody, running a family farm while moonlighting as an inventor/mechanic, and you find a decrepit seventeen year old, rotting husk of a truck, the government will find you and Kelsey Grammer will think you're harboring Optimus Prime. After what I am assuming is not his first attempt to track down Optimus, he finally hits pay-dirt! At first, O.P. Firelegs is a little hurt that, after saving the Earth THREE freaking times, people are still mad at him. Regardless, he still feels an affinity to humans and decides to stick around.
Well, it turns out that the Decepticons are back.. Kind of. The humans are also in on it, too.. I guess. But everyone is a target. Target number one, though, is still Optimus, and Facegun Transformy-Head is out for blood. Or oil. Or whatever the fuck Transformers use for whatever the fuck blood does. (I'm not a doctor.) The guy with a gun for a face is actually called Lockdown.. He also has a hook for a hand (making it easier for him to lock things down?)! He's a bounty hunter from outer space and he's come to drag Optimus Prime back to space while the humans manufacture synthetic Transformers here on Earth to track down other Transformers while the Decepticons try to expunge humanity while the Autobots try to hide from the hunters, but simultaneously try to stop human extinction. It's all very simple, really.
For some reason in these movies, every time there is some massive Transformer fucking shit up, Big Willy-style, there are always a smattering of humans crawling all over bejeezus and back like some extremely squishy, flesh-sacked ants. And this movie is no different! Just look at all these humans frailly running around the feet and airspace and city-spanning cables of these iron giants! In the mean time, Optimus begins to lose hope in humanity (probably because of our learning-disabled ways of constantly running about the feet, airspace, and city-spanning cables of fuck-giant robots), but Cade is there to pick his spirits up with some choice, positive wor-- Wait a minute.. Was that Transformer smoking a fucking cigar?!
There's some good old-fashioned Michael Bay-style action here: Lots of explosions, the good guys on the wrong end of a major ass-whooping for a while, explosions, humans kissing near explosions, family in immediate danger of explosions, and.. Holy fucking shit! Optimus Prime riding Grimlock! Sweet tits! That's a good move, though. If you want to distract an audience from what they thought they were watching, Optimus slaying his enemies while cowboying Grimlock is a good way to do it. Seriously, if there's one thing America loves, it's robots defending us while riding dinosaurs.. That are also robots.
Now, I know this is out.. And I know this has gotten some ROTTEN reviews, already-- Just terrible-- But despite all of that, I am still in. I, somehow, hung onto my seat for the first three and I am ready and, again somehow, willing to grip that bastard again. Plus, when I found out that this latest outing basically scrapped the entire opening trilogy and kind of rebooted itself within its own universe, imagine my excitment that what we ended up with was NOT the next logical step in where this franchise was CLEARLY heading, had they continued down their original path:
Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) poster, trailer, and screen shots and The Ladies Man (2000) screen shot courtesy of Paramount Pictures
Calvin decal courtesy of some asshole disrespecting Bill Watterson's beloved character
Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2002) screen shot courtesy of Williams Street and Radical Axis
Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals (2008) courtesy of NBC
The Dark Knight (2008) poster courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
21 Jump Street (2012) courtesy of Columbia Pictures and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures
Shia Lebouf courtesy of losing his fucking mind
All credited images found using Google Image searches