The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for..
February 14, 2014!
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(warning: If you hate remakes, burn your eyes out with a soldering iron, now.)
by Jeff Finck
Well, it's almost Valentine's Day and nothing says romance like the Winter Olympics! And the Winter Olympics are well under-way.. And everyone involved is paying the price. Well, everyone except Vladimir Putin. I'm sure that guy is sitting shirtless in his well-lit, very warm, fully furnished living room, rubbing sour cream and onion on his manly nipples, insisting that his guests really dig in to his chest dip. NIPPLE DIP! What was I talking about again? Oh yeah! MOVIES!
So, what do you get when you cross Judge Dredd with Wyatt Earp, a murder robot, and a vengeful Christ.. Then toss him into a social commentary on unemployment, the decay of the American dream and corporate greed? Well, you get the greatest cyborg cop movie to ever be released. Now, let me ask you a different question: What do you get when you cross a great idea with a needless remake attempting to make a social commentary on gun control and military overreach? Yeah.. You probably already know that answer..
More remakes! This time, we have an all-black cast retelling of one of the most classic Brat Pack (read: All-white cast) movies, also called About Last Night... (Except it's different because the 1986 one had an ellipsis!)-- And actually, they're both remakes of a 1974 David Mamet play about four nobodies from Chicago. Regardless, this new one follows a couple of dude-friends called Bernie (Kevin Hart) and Danny (Michael Ealy) who start dating a couple of woman-friends called Joan (Regina Hall) and Debbie (Joy Bryant). Jeez, who named these people? A 1970s housewife? In any case, it's probably better to just remake the whole thing rather than have Demi Moore and Rob Lowe try and do this in black face.
Another son-of-a-bitching remake! Well, in 1981, Franco Zeffirelli brought Scott Spencer's Endless Love novel to life by butchering the shit out of it and making everyone super uncomfortable by trying to make sixteen year old Brooke Shields into a sex symbol. Now, thirty three years later, they're trying it again. Only, now, it's like, really messed up to imply children having sex, so they're using older actors. Problem solved. Basically, the whole thing is yet another movie bad boy from the wrong side of the suburban tracks falls in love with a proper girl who has parents that care about her, but because parents never trust their kids to do the right thing, it all gets super out-of-control.
Holy all of my balls! Finally, NOT a remake! Well.. I mean.. Kind of. It's an adaptation from a book, so we didn't entirely get away unscathed. Winter's Tale spans about a hundred years and centers on the love triangle between an immortal thief called Peter Lake (Colin Farrell) and a tuberculotic woman called Beverly Penn (Jessica Brown Findlay).. And Russell Crowe.
Final Breakdown: This week's Final Breakdown is brought to you by Shirtless Putin Torso!
About Last Night
Nyotaimori image (2012) courtesy of ladye.hubpages.com/hub/Nyotaimori-Eating-Sushi-of-a-womans-bare-body
Robocop (2014) poster courtesy of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer and Columbia Pictures
About Last Night (2014) poster courtesy of Screen Gems
About Last Night... (1986) poster courtesy of TriStar Pictures
Endless Love (2014) poster courtesy of Universal Pictures
16 and Pregnant (2009) logo courtesy of 11th Street Productions
Winter's Tale (2014) poster and screen shot courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
Shirtless Putin (2007) courtesy of The Republic of Tuva as well as Vladimir Spiridonovich Putin and Maria Ivanovna Putina
Robocop helmet (1987) courtesy of Orion Pictures
Jim Belushi hair courtesy of the 1980s
Highlander (1986) screen shot courtesy of 20th Century Fox
All credited images found via Google Image searches