The pReview Reviewing of..
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read!)
(warning: Absolutely ZERO Teddy Ruxpin jokes! Cursing throughout.)
by: Jeff Finck
The premise: Once upon a time, John (Mark Wahlberg), as a child, wishes on Christmas that his favorite stuffed bear, Ted (Seth MacFarlane's voice), would come to life and talk to him. (Christmas wishes come true?! All right, cool..) And be his best friend. Because he's home schooled and doesn't have any friends. Or know how to make them because of the social interaction he's been denied from home schooling. I assume. Either that, or by the end of the movie, we realize that John has some serious mental issues, and is completely schizophrenic, and is imagining the entire thing from the comfort of his child schizo-coma.
The trailer begins with a club scene, in which John is feeling some Good Vibrations and shaking his Funky Bunch (I am sooooooooo sorry, Mark Wahlberg. But I think you can take a couple jabs at your past for what you said about 9/11. (I like how I wrote that last line like he'll ever read this in a million years.) He doesn't seem to have the same suave, hip-hop moves from the days of yore, and helplessly twirls around the dance floor like he’s Lindsay Lohan on a merry-go-round. Mila Kunis, unfortunately, happens to stumble into the wake of the Wahlberg Windmill and takes a fist to the face like a champ. In this day and age of domestic abuse, I feel that maybe this sends the wrong message to young men in clubs: If you slug a woman in the face in a club, chances are it will NOT be Mila Kunis.. She'll more than likely end up looking like the Predator monster dipped in acid. I'm not saying every club girl looks THAT bad, but I'm just saying there's a better chance of getting this:
And even if it is Mila Kunis, be careful. If you cross Mila, I am pretty sure that she would use her Russian blood and fuck your shit up with some God-infused borscht, Raiders of the Lost Ark style.
Well, it appears that decking Mila Kunis in the face completely works. ('the fuck?!) Just as long as, at the end of it all, you happen to be Mark Wahlberg. Fuck me, then, right? Anyway, there's a series of lovey-dovey moments of blissful happiness, and then shit gets Calvin and Hobbes real quick. A thunderstorm causes John to have a mini episode, in which, his ex-toy/current best friend, Ted, comes screaming into the room and leaps onto the bed. After the greatest song about thunder (Ever.), Mila Kunis rolls her eyes and wishes it would all just go away. The joke is on her, though, because she's not a little boy on Christmas, so her wishes can go fuck themselves!
Also, am I the only one that keeps picturing, when Ted talks, what it would be like if Peter Griffin got ahold of the Snuggle bear and they had a fucked up baby?
In the morning, the two unlikely friends share some dry cereal, and Pop 'Ems, and weed.. (Teddy bears have lungs?! All right.. Fine..) And then discuss John's future with Lori. John's planning on taking Lori out to dinner and isn't sure if she's expecting something super special, like a new car, or a puppy, or an engagement ring.. Or anal sex. After four years, you would think he knew where he stood on the anal thing. But he should definitely figure out where he's at with the marriage thing soon, or else.
At dinner, Lori decides to put her foot down and tell John he needs to ask Ted to move out. Okay. This is the point that the movie FINALLY loses all realism to me. Seriously? How in the fuck can a 27 year old teddy bear move out on his own? Tell me that. Does he have a Social Security card? Is he a citizen? Apparently, they convince Ted to move out, because then he has a job. What?! Work permits? Is he recognized as a viable tax-payer?! BULLSHIT! There just might be too many unanswered questions for my taste. But then again, what the fuck do I know? I write movie reviews about movie TRAILERS, I still blow bubbles in my chocolate milk, I still build forts in my living room, and I still pretend the floor is lava.
In the "adult" world, like I said, Ted finds a job and meets a lady. Filling John in on his solo adventures, Ted lets him know about the new love interest. He says she has a white trash name, and in one of the best scenes in comedic movie trailer history, John attempts to guess it, in what I consider "Family Guy dedication" to a joke. He guesses something like 40 straight names, to no avail. It's very similar to the 'song title/girl name' bit on Family Guy, but with more cursing, and for some reason way funnier. It probably has something to do with the fact that it's Mark Wahlberg and an impish teddy bear with a New England accent bantering. Like Mark Wahlberg talks to animals.. Really creepy, fucked up, talking animals.
What’s cool is that MacFarlane and company hinted at this movie way back when they released Family Guy: It's a Trap! During that opening story crawl, they said that they needed to literally crap out the third Star Wars spoof so that Seth MacFarlane would be allowed to make his movie. This movie. Thank God, too! This looks incredibly funny. I just hope that the simple title, Ted, doesn't confuse anyone into thinking it's about any of these people: