The (sort of)
pReview Re-viewing of..
The Expendables 3!
CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: May cause heart attacks to become heart "assaults".)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: August 15, 2014
If you don't like action movies-- More to the point, if you don't LOVE 90s action movies-- Chances are that you probably didn't bother watching the first two Expendables movies. If you did, that's great and you support good movies. Well, "good" in the sense that the first two movies are two hundred and six combined minutes of adrenaline fueled, testoster-boner inducing thrill rides into how to construct every action movie fan's vision of what would happen if their favorite action stars traipsed around in a video game plot. (read: Plot not needed.) Speaking of this movie not needing a plot, I've decided that I won't be doing an actual preview reviewing of this one. (Be sure to check out my full review of Expendables 2's trailer, though!) Instead, I am just going to take a little time and familiarize everyone with the characters you're getting ready to be.. Umm. familiar.. With.
Sylvester Stallone reprises his role as Barney Ross
Barney Ross is the leader of the Expendables-- A group of mercenaries with hearts of gold. To my knowledge, they've only ever done two missions: One time, they killed Stone Cold Steve Austin and a very helpless Eric Roberts. Then, they hunted down Jean-Claude van Damme because he killed Thor's brother. Barney Ross takes it personally when you kill Thor's brother.
- Likes: When people notice his new haircut
- Dislikes: When people criticize his new haircut (see above)
- Not to be confused with Barney Rubble
Jason Statham reprises his role as Lee Christmas
Lee Christmas is basically Barney Ross' first mate. He's an ex-British Special Forces soldier who has killed more people with knives than times you've touched yourself at night. His non-knife girlfriend is Cordelia from Angel. Lee Christmas had to become a vampire and kill Angel in a vampire fight, once, to win her heart. Afterwards, Lee Christmas turned himself back into a human by stabbing the vampire out of himself with a wooden knife.
- Likes: Knives; Stabbing people with knives; Having sex.. Possibly with knives.
- Dislikes: The TV show Angel.
- Not to be confused with Lee Merriweather (you thought I was going to make a Christmas joke, didn't you?)
Jet Li reprises his role as Yin Yang
Yin Yang is an expert at hand-to-hand combat.. In other words, he beats the hell out of people using his feet and anger. Lots of people like to point out how short he is. Yin Yang thinks those people are racist.
- Best Friend: Little children attached to ropes in martial arts fights.
- Arch Nemesis: A small child called Lee Jets.. Who wouldn't let Yang tie a rope to him to use him as a weapon
- Not to be confused with The Yin Yang Twins
Terry Crews reprises his role as Hale Caesar
Hale Caesar loves doing two things: Cooking and working out. Also, guns. And killing bad guys. And screaming. Hale Caesar loves doing five things.
- Favorite Team-Up: Luke Cage and Iron Fist
- Least Favorite Team-Up: when the Apple Dumpling Gang rode again
- Not to be confused with a Caesar salad
Dolph Lundgren reprises his role as Gunner Jensen
This Swedish mountain has issues in playing well with others. When he's not fighting tyranny, he's usually fighting Yin Yang.. Or Italian boxers. He is extremely intelligent-- Genius, even. However, there was a brief time in the '90s when he thought he was Jesus.
- Special Abilities: Super Strength; IQ over 150; Always knows when it's "Miller Time"
- Special Disabilities: Enjoys Miller Genuine Draft
- Not to be confused with Jesus
Randy Couture reprises his role as Toll Road
Toll Road is the resident demolitions expert for the Expendables. He joined the Expendables after being kicked out of the band, Wham!. Early in 1981, Wham! was a five piece rock outfit, but then Toll Road ate two of the other members and was promptly released. He took the rock with him, though, and George Michael and Andrew Ridgely were forced to make pop songs about alarm clocks, or something.
- Totally Jealous of: Dave Bautista
- Totally Not Jealous of: Georges St-Pierre
- Not to be confused with a Toll Booth
Arnold Schwarzenegger reprises his role as Trench Mauser
Mauser was once allied with Barney Ross, but due to a misunderstanding that no one actually witnessed, they had a falling out and didn't appear together even once in their eighty year combined careers.. Even though, everyone in the world openly hoped it would happen.. Alas, the population at large would be denied that amazing event until 2010.
- Fun fact: Trench Mauser disappeared between 2003 and 2010. It is believed that he lost much of his mass due to the stress of governing a small nation. In 2009, it was reported that he re-purchased his muscles on the black market in Austria.
- Not to be confused with Arnold Schwarzenegger
Wesley Snipes as Doc aka Doctor Death
Doc used to be a medic, but apparently gave all that up to help found the Avengers.. I mean Expendables. He is, unfortunately for him, being held captive by an unknown force. It is my understanding that wherever it is that he's being held, he is slowly ridding their prison system of vampires.
- At odds with: Lee Christmas' history with vampires
- Really enjoys: Being in Direct-to-video movies
- Not to be confused with Billy Blanks (you racists)
Harrison Ford as Max Drummer
Drummer is the best (only) pilot on the team. I heard that he once piloted a ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs! Which is super impressive, because that implies that Max Drummer has advanced knowledge of Quantum Mechanics.
- Big fan of: People getting off his plane.
- Also enjoys: People giving him back his wife and/or family.
- Not to be confused with the drummer from Def Leppard
Kelsey Grammer as Bonaparte
Bonaparte is retired. But that won't stop him from being in this movie and doing stuff! What stuff, you ask? Well, instead of admitting that I don't know, I'm just going to say it's classified!
- Turn ons: [REDACTED]
- Turn offs: [REDACTED]
- Not to be confused with Dori from the Hobbit
Antonio Banderas as Galgo
Galgo (Spanish for Greyhound Lines, Inc.) is an ex-Spanish Armed Forces soldier. He used to accurately shoot people for them from very far away (Spanish for Sniper). Every four years, or so, Galgo likes to grow a mustache.. He then uses a complicated Rube Goldberg machine that aims and snipes it off with a high-powered rifle.
- Likes: Mustaches every four years
- Dislikes: Having a mustache the rest of the time
- Not to be confused with Trailways Transportation System.. Or whatever is Spanish for that
Ronda Rousey as Luna
Luna made her name as a nightclub bouncer, when Bonaparte was all, "Dude, bro.. She's, like, totes hot and should fully be on our team." Bonaparte was actually being played by 1989's Keanu Reeves when he said that. She is the sole female member of the Expendables.
- Pet Peeves: When someone calls her the ExpendaBelle.
- Fun Fact: In February of 2014, she once took fifteen hits of acid and thought she was a frog who joined the MMA (see above). She won ten fights in a row.
- Not to be confused with Luna Vachon
Kellan Lutz as John Smilee
Smilee is one of the "new guys." The Expendables, I believe, use him for his penchant for moto-racing and the fact that he may possibly be a fucking vampire. This, of course, puts him at constant odds with Lee Christmas and Doc.
- Likes: Being in action movies!
- Really Likes: Not being in shitty Young Adult fiction-based movies.
- Not to be confused with Mr. Smiley
Victor Ortiz as Mars
Mars may be the first person on Earth to combine being a sharpshooter with being a boxer. Due to needing to be close-quarters in order to box someone, coupled with the need to be relatively far away in order to snipe someone.. Mars has fitted every bullet he fires with tiny boxing gloves.
- Secret #1: Mars is secretly laughed at by the scientific community for his boxing glove bullets.
- Secret #2: Mars was given six comendations for his boxing bullets by the scientific community only out of the fear of actually being shot by something as terrifying as bullets that box you before shooting you.
- Not to be confused with the planet Mars
Glen Powell as Thorn
Thorn is one of those guys who demands you call him "Thorny" or "Ramathorn". He also constantly refers to his penis as The Ramrod. The only reason people put up with it is because his skills as a hacker are so great that he will make your entire internet existence claim that your name is Rod Farva and that you like to have sex with blow up dolls.
- Favorite Movie: Super Troopers
- Favorite Actor: Jay Chandrasekhar
- Fun Fact: Depends on the pick-up line "Every Rose has a Thorn." when hitting on women named Rose.
- Not to be confused with the subject of a Poison song
Mel Gibson as Conrad Stonebanks (the bad guy)
Stonebanks helped create the Expendables with Barney Ross, but knowing that he wouldn't be Forever Young, he decided to go Maverick and sell Lethal Weapons to Attack Forcez in other countries. He's recently resurfaced and now has a Bounty on him and Barney Ross wants Payback for his betrayal. But Barney will need to have a Brave Heart if he's going to collect this p[articular Ransom and Get this Gringo. Bird on a Wire.. Mad Max.
Best Movie Starring Mel Gibson and Jet Li: Lethal Weapon 4
Best Movie Starring Jet Li and Antonio Banderas: Ballistic - Ecks vs Sever
Best Movie Starring Antonio Banderas and Sylvester Stallone: Assassins
Best Movie Starring Sylvester Stallone and Wesley Snipes: Demolition Man
Best Movie Starring Wesley Snipes and Jason Statham: Chaos
Best Movie Starring Jason Statham and Mel Gibson: Expendables 3, probably.
Expendables 3 (2014) poster and trailer and The Expendables (2010) screen shot courtesy of Lionsgate
Bullet to the Head (2013) screen shot courtesy of Warner Bros
My Father Is A Hero (1995) screen shot courtesy of Win's Entertainment, Ltd.
Idiocracy (2006) screen shot and X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) screen shot courtesy of 20th Century Fox
Johnny Mnemonic (1995) screenshot courtesy of TriStar Pictures
Randy Couture college pic found on MMA Fury
Arnold on cover of Muscle & Fitness found on Store Mags
Blade (1998) screen shot courtesy of New Line Cinema
Six Days Seven Nights (1998) screen shot courtesy of Buena Vista Pictures
Machete Kills (2013) screen shot courtesy of Open Road Films
Ronda Rousey crouched pic found on The Epoch Times
Kellan Lutz vamp pic found on Bad Boys Deluxe
Victor Ortiz pic found on Bleacher Report
Glen Powell Guardians of the Galaxy premiere pic found on Ace Show Biz (credit to Apega/WENN)
Mel Gibson beard pic found on News.Com.Au
All credited images were found on Google Image searches