CLICK THE TITLE TO VIEW THE TRAILER IN A SEPARATE WINDOW!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: I. Am. Iron Man. Na-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh Nah-curse words.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: May 3, 2013
Before we get into Iron Man 3, I need to make sure that we're all fairly well-versed in the exploits of Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) and his alcoholic, reckless, womanizing ways. I mean, you have to know where he's come from to wildly speculate as to where he's going, right? In the first movie, Tony Stark is set up out of complete ass-nowhere by his beloved family friend and current father-figure, Obadiah Stane (Jeff Bridges), to be killed by The Ten Rings, a poorly named terrorist group in Afghanistan led by some asshole whose eyes were too big for his britches. Stane ruins the Ten Rings' leader guy's day with brain aneurysms and then Stark, with the help of his pals Rhodey (Terrence Howard) and Pepper (Gwyneth Paltrow), ruin Stane's day with explosions and desperation. It all ends with Iron Man telling everyone he's Iron Man and Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) telling Iron Man that he's going to be an Avenger.
In Iron Man 2, Tony Stark pisses off Mickey Rourke so hard, that he thinks he's actually a Russian scientist/part-time extreme lion tamer. Mickey Rourke calls himself Whiplash and goes after Tony Stark and everything he's ever loved. Ever. Including his dead father. And his priceless collection of 1992 pogs.. Probably. As the events slowly unfold, Sam Rockwell shows up and manufactures a gazillion other Iron Men to do battle with the original Iron Man and Rhodes (dressed as yet another Iron Man), who looks strikingly similar to Don Cheadle, now. In the end, half of just about everything is exploded and Tony's told that he sucks as an Avenger. And then we forget about the whole movie after the credits because we find out that Thor is probably running around New Mexico.
In The Avengers, Tony learns to become a team player while making snarky comments at gods and Hulks and secret government agencies and captains of America.. And.. Well, everyone, really. Then some stuff happens, and then he takes an atomic bomb into outer space, blows up some aliens and then hurls himself at the ground like a really blunt lawn dart. He's caught at the last second by the Hulk, though, because apparently Thor forgot that he's able to fly. Everyone lords their victory over Loki and then celebrates with Shawarma!
So, here we are, now.. Rocking out to Iron Man 3. The trailer kicks off with Stark doing what he does best: Talking about himself. He builds neat stuff. He's banging Pepper Potts. He saves the world every now and then. He generally just rocks out with his iron cock out. But, oh no! He's got insomnia! Hashtag: First World Problems.
After William Sadler lets us all know that he was elected President of the United States on the sole platform that the Mandarin needs to be stopped (we'll get to the Mandarin in a minute), the fucking Iron Patriot shows up to assume a totalitarian command on the world and to wreck everyone's fragile human-skinned asses and.. Wait a minute! What the balls is Rhodey doing in that shit!? Uhmm.. I guess.. Nevermind? In any case, now the U.S. has got an Iron Man and an Iron Patriot to go and shove their iron fists deep within the Mandarin's.. Wait a minute! Why does the Mandarin have Captain America's shield tattooed on his damn, non-Asian neck?
Okay, time to address the zealotous elephant in the room: the Mandarin. One of Iron Man's oldest and most feared, most Fu Manchu moustachio'd, totally Chinese enemies. Is now being played by Sir Ben Kingsley. Don't get me wrong, now, Ben Kingsley can do Asian.. He.. He just probably wouldn't be my first choice for the Mandarin. I see what they're doing, though: By making him a non-nationality driven character, they're freeing him up to become the world's first universally accepted terrorist. Very progressive. He helms the Ten Rings, which you may remember being the bumbling dopey mopes from the first movie who lost their entire encampment to a barely functional Tony Stark and his crudely constructed suit of armor that they, in no way, even remotely attempted to prevent him from making. The Mandarin leads the Ten Rings with a literal set of ten rings.. Which, you may remember from the comics as Icey, Mindy, Shocky, Burny, Gravitron Johnson, Darky (not in a racist way), Disintegro, Windy, Hurty, and The Matter Remixologist Supreme. Oh, and why in the fuck did Agent Smith tell us he was going to ninja ejaculate on everyone?
An airplane is emptied of its precious human cargo, there's a barely standing wall with nuclear bomb flash-shadows splashed across it.. Grauman's Chinese Theater uses its breath attack and consumes dozens of people in an all out fireball! Joke's on the Mandarin, though.. I hope it was worth it, because now he has to wait 1d4 rounds to use it again! These are just some (not so) subtle hints that the Mandarin is akin to the Wu-Tang Clan.. In that he is, in fact, nothin' to fuck with. And in order to cement that fact, he missile fucks Tony Stark's sweet Malibu mansion made out of Enterprises (the USS kinds.. Not the Rent-a-Car kinds). And from the wreckage, Tony Stark must rise like the mythical phoenix! An ironclad, glorious phoen..
By the way, If someone asks you a question like, "Do you want an empty life or a meaningful death?" The answer is ALWAYS "empty life." Seriously. Or, if you can get away with it, see if you can finagle some of that Extremis virus into your empty life. I hear that shit will FUCK you up! In a good way. Like.. Really good.
In a Ransom/Taken-esque, schoolyard "calling the bully out" move, Tony Stark tells everyone that he's not afraid.. He's going to find this mad man.. And he's going to kill him. He lets the whole news world know.. Along with whoever the fuck this guy is, with his eight year old Nokia flip phone:
So, Stark is not afraid. He's no longer politicking.. In the traditional sense. For all I know, he may still, in fact, be "recounting long tales, stories, or jokes while holding a lit bowl of marijuana, to the exasperation of those assembled." The time is at hand for revenge. Revenge against the Mandarin for blowing people up. Revenge for attacking Air Force One. Revenge for turning Pepper Potts into a fucking action star. But most of all, revenge for the Mandarin making the Blue Raja's costume look cool.
The trailer goes out with a bang, finally introducing Tony in full Extremis mode, using thoughts to don his armor, that way his hands are freed up to do some many more activities! And right at the end, when you don't expect anything cooler than a telekinetic Tony Stark, an entire Iron Man army shows up and, despite the Hulkbuster looking suit at the end looking like someone super glued armor onto an anthropomorphic manatee (Iron Man-atee?), looks cool as fuck!
Jon Favreau directed the first two, but decided to take a break with this one in order to.. I don't know.. Probably bathe in all the money he's made so far. A man called Shane Black takes over the reins, this time. Now, if his name sounds familiar, you may remember him as the guy who wrote Lethal Weapon, Lethal Weapon 2, The Last Boyscout, Last Action Hero, The Long Kiss Goodnight (he was really into L-movies), The Monster Squad, and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (also with Robert Downey, Jr.). Oh yeah, and if you've ever seen Predator.. He played Hawkins!
So yeah, Iron Man 3! Marvel continues its stampede through the cinematic Pridelands, consuming our cash and obliterating and stomping haphazardly on sales records like they're made out of Simba's dad. This is a pretty unique third installment of a franchise, actually.. Not only is it a sequel to Iron Man 2, but it will also take place in the aftermath of The Avengers! So it's kind of like two sequels rolled into one all-out, no holds barred title match for the most successful dual sequel. And since I can't think of even one other one, I have a feeling that Iron Man 3 is probably going to win. I can't fucking wait!