The pReview Re-viewing's
Late Ass Oscar Breakdown of..
The 86th Academy Awards!
(warning: The Oscars are brought to you by Cadillac. Cadillac: The Cadillac of Cadillacs.)
Lots of clickable things throughout. Everything opens in separate windows, though, so go to town!
by Jeff Finck
written: 3/17/2014
First of all, was I the only one skeeved out by the weird little Oscar-children (Oscar Child? Like Oscar Wilde.. Get it? DO YOU GET IT?!) statues in the background? Not one other person is terrified at the implications that the Oscar Statue can procreate?! No one? Just me, then? Oh well, never mind, I guess. On to more pressing matters! I'm curious: What do you think it means to host an awards show? For some, it's a giant production of showy singing. For others, it's taking pot shots at people you barely know, alienating yourself from the rest of Hollywood and earning the enmity of famous people. Still for even others, it is merely being James Franco.
For Ellen Degeneres, hosting the Oscars pretty much meant just hanging out with-- and fucking with-- her friends. And making new friends. And then hanging out with her new friends.. And fucking with them. She did the obligatory poking fun at the nominees and guests, true, but it never went full-on Golden Globes Gervais. I think the edgiest she ever got was when she dared the Academy to not be racist when picking Best Picture-- Which is good, because we were ALL thinking it. At one point, she ordered everyone pizza.. Then made THEM pay for it. Truly an edge-walker. At another point, she took a selfie with Jared Leto, Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts, Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt, and Lupita Nyong'o that currently has over 3.4 million retweets (and, incidentally, broke Twitter temporarily). Ellen did dwell a little too long on Barkhad Abdi, I thought, and I kept expecting him to run up on stage..
Enough about hosting and hostly duties, you're here for the meat and bones of the show, am I right? Well.. Unless you're a vegetarian. I guess, you'd probably be looking for the.. Tofu? And.. Not bones.. Of the show? I don't understand how vegetarianism works. (Do you just eat *around* the meat?) Regardless! Let's get on with it! The 86th Annual (except that one time in 1930 when they happened twice.. And that one time in 1933 when they didn't happen at all) Academy Awards and this year's theme: Heroes!
Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Anne Hatheway won Best Supporting Actress last year for Les Misérables for singing directly into everyone's feel-locations, thus securing her presenting duties here for Best Supporting Actor. The nominees were:
Barkhad Abdi, the Limo driver turned Somali pirate (isn't that always the way?), for Captain Phillips. Permed up Bradley Cooper in American Hustle. Michael Fassbender making everyone uncomfortable in 12 Years a Slave (to which everyone awkwardly applauded after his clip). Jonah Hill absolutely selling the fuck out of the seduction and corruption of money in The Wolf of Wall Street. And Jared Leto putting it all on the table (and perhaps leaving some on the operating table?) as a transgendered woman called Rayon for Dallas Buyers Club.
And the winner was..
Jared Leto as everyone's favorite alternative to silk, Rayon, in Dallas Buyers Club!
Like I said, the theme of the night was based on heroes of all shapes and sizes, sexes and colors, fictional and less fictional. The first stint of the night focused on animated heroes, fittingly introduced by Jim Carrey-- Who tried to assassinate Bruce Dern with his impression of Bruce Dern.
Kerry Washington showed up all pregnant as hell and stuff and introduced the first performer of the night: Pharrell performing Happy from Despicable Me 2. With a bevy of back-up dancers that included cameos by Lupita Nyong'o, Amy Adams, Meryl Streep, Jamie Foxx, and Kate Hudson, it was a nice little, catchy performance with a positive message. I assume he was probably so happy because he finally ditched Evil Curious George.
Best Costume Design
In an effort to remind people of a 2009 movie that no one knows existed, The Academy kept the cast of Mother and Child together by pairing Samuel L. Jackson with Naomi Watts to present the next award for outstanding achievement in dressing people competently. The nominees were:
Michael Wilkinson for 70s'ing THE fuck out of American Hustle. William Chang Suk Ping for taking Asian martial arts fashion and drenching it in black for The Grandmaster. Catherine Martin's interpretation of Baz Luhrmann's fever dream vision of the Roaring Twenties' excess in The Great Gatsby. Michael O'Connor for dressing people up for the story that forced everyone to know what it would be like if Charles Dickens had sex in The Invisible Woman. And Patricia Norris for finally (facetious) bringing plantation couture back to life in 12 Years a Slave.
And the winner was..
Catherine Martin for The Great Gatsby!
Best Makeup and Hairstyling
Sam Jackson and Naomi Watts stayed on-stage to present the winner of the category in which stylists try to make people not look ugly and horrifying.. Or make people look ugly and horrifying.. Or a different combination of those things.. Or just one of those things.. Or.. I hurt my brain.. The nominees were:
Adruitha Lee and Robin Mathews for being the ones given credit for Jared Leto and Matthew McConaughey losing almost 100 lbs between them in Dallas Buyers Club. Stephen Prouty for turning Johnny Knoxville into a believably psychotic 80 year old man in Bad Grandpa. And Joel Harlow and Gloria Pasqua-Casny for walking the line between utter racism and blockbuster hit/flop for The Lone Ranger.
And the winner was..
Adruitha Lee and Robin Matthews for their efforts at corpsifying Matthew McConaughey, transgendering Jared Leto, and making Jennifer Garner look exactly like she always does in Dallas Buyers Club!
Best Picture Tease Part One
So, they do this every year: Some person of note comes out and introduces three of the nine nominees for Best Picture. The first presenter this year was Harrison Ford. And, apparently, Harrison Ford has SEEN things.
Aspiring Filmmakers Showcase
Just a quick aside here.. This year's Academy Awards directors, Neil Meron and Craig Zadan, tasked Channing Tatum with picking the winners of an aspiring filmmakers contest. He had to choose six ambitiously talented people with replacing the traditional beautiful models who appear as on-stage award bearers. I gotta say, and I am in no way questioning their talent, but I wonder if "Channing Tatum" could have "selected" a more diverse group of winners..
Best Animated Short Film
Kim Novak and Matthew McConaughey came out to present the next two awards and the world apparently lost their collective shit over Kim Novak's face. I'm not going to say anything about it, specifically, except that it's a shame that Hollywood (or anyone for that matter) thrusts any kind of pressure on people to make them feel the NEED to alter their appearance in any way. That being said, the nominees were:
Feral, an extremely lighthearted romp about a child forced to survive in the wild, only to be brought into civilization and be forced to adapt and survive all over again.. Wait, did I say light-hearted? I meant completely fuck-heavy. Get a Horse!, which is a throwback to 1920s Disney animation starring Mickey, Minnie, and Peg Leg Pete.. And also, Disney's attempt to monopolize the 2014 animation awards. Mr. Hublot, the animated answer to the unanswered question: Are you a big steampunk afficionado with OCD? Possessions is basically if you've ever wanted Beauty and the Beast to ditch that whole love story and be redone in bat-shit crazy animation. And Room on the Broom, the animated version of that timeless, classic, two year-old, 2012 children's book of the same name.
And the winner was..
Laurent Witz and Alexandre Espigares for Mr. Hublot!
Best Animated Feature Film
Keeping in line with presenting like-awards, Kim Novak and Matthew McConaug-Heeeeyyyy stayed on for the Feature award, as well. The nominees were:
The Croods, for making everyone care about cavemen again.. Not since Ringo Starr have we.. Never mind. Despicable Me 2, for making people question whether or not Uncle Fester and some anthropomorphic Twinkies can be heroes or not. Ernest & Celestine, for making people question what Ernest & Celestine even is. Frozen, for being the most talked about animated movie of 2013. And The Wind Rises, for giving people an answer as to where the fuck Hayao Miyazaki has been for the last five years.
And the winner was..
Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee, and Peter Del Vecho for Frozen!
Every Day Heroes Nod
Continuing the theme of the night, Sally Field came out to introduce the Every Day Heroes montage. And despite Sally Field having played Norma Rae AND Norma Rae even being included in the montage, the connection is lost on OK Magazine. Congratulations, OK Magazine.
Best Visual Effects
Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Emma Watson strutted out to present the Visual Effects award.. And while, Emma Watson usually looks great, someone on her Visual Effects team forgot to tell her hair to calm the fuck down. (First real slam of the post! Take that, Hermione! I.. I.. I'm sorry.) The nominees were:
Tim Webber, Chris Lawrence, David Shirk, and Neil Corbould for showing everyone how fucking terrifying space is in Gravity. Joe Letteri, Eric Saindon, David Clayton, and Eric Reynolds for Dwarving and Hobbiting out human actors and trying to ignore how goofy everyone says the name of their monstrous dragon friend in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smoge. Christopher Townsend, Guy Williams, Erik Nash, and Dan Sudick for making everyone believe that a suit made out of metal is able to fly.. Also that a woman made entirely out of Gwyneth Paltrow could be an action hero.. in Iron Man 3. Tim Alexander, Gary Brozenich, Edson Williams, and John Frazier for copy and pasting Pirates of the Caribbean antics all over the Old West in The Lone Ranger. And Roger Guyett, Patrick Tubach, Ben Grossman, and Burt Dalton for making Star Trek Into Darkness even MORE science fictiony.
And the winner was..
The people responsible for ruining any aspirations of me becoming an astronaut: Tim Webber, Chris Lawrence, David Shirk, and Neil Corbould for Gravity!
Ellen decided to become Zac Efron by hijacking his seat while he was onstage introducing the performance for Moon Song by Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs) and Ezra Koenig (Vampire Weekend) from Her. It was a beautiful, subtle performance, but I couldn't help but notice the lack of Karen O literally phoning this shit in on an iPhone. Shame. Also, with all the hijacking, I really wanted Barkhad Abdi to be stalking Ellen..
Best Short Film - Live Action
Jason Sudeikis and Kate Hudson came out to present this award, and let me tell you something: They looked good. I mean really good. Everyone.. You should Google search them to find out how good they looked. But these guys.. Sorry, I lost my train of thought and started thinking about Jason Sudeikis' bow tie and Kate Hudson's exposed torso again.. I mean, damn. Okay, okay.. Let's just move on. The nominees were:
Jason Sudeikis for.. I mean.. Kate Hudson and her.. Nope. Okay, for real this time: The child soldier awareness short, Aquel No Era Yo (That Wasn't Me).. But, not like, promoting child soldiers.. They're totally against it. Also, Avant Que De Tout Perdre (Just Before Losing Everything), which follows a day in the life of a woman leaving her pile of garbage husband. Helium is what happens when a dying boy, who thinks heaven is going to be boring, becomes friends with a hospital janitor, who gives him a way more kid-friendly version. Pitääkö Mun Kaikki Hoitaa? (Do I Have to Take Care of Everything?) is the story of what happens when a family's trip to a wedding is basically directed by Monty Python. And The Voorman Problem, which is the tale of a man trying to convince a psychiatrist that he's a god. Not THE God.. Just A god.
And the winner was..
Anders Walter and Kim Magnusson for Helium!
Best Documentary - Short Subject
So, when the thing you want to bring to light is either too emotional.. Or if you just can't fill up enough time with establishing panoramic shots of your locations.. You get thrown into the Short Subject category. And before I go ranting about Kate Hudson and Jason Sudeikis again, I'm just going to announce the nominees. They were:
Cavedigger, which follows Ra Paulette, an artist who uses the Earth as his canvas. The awkward, emotional reunion of a neo-Nazi and a gay victim of his from twenty five years prior in Facing Fear. A Yemini revolution doc called Karama Has No Walls. The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My Life, which breaks its foot off in your feelings' asshole by telling the harrowing tale of the world's oldest Holocaust survivor. And Prison Terminal: The Last Days of Private Jack Hall.. Which documents.. the last days.. of.. Private Jack Hall..
And the winner was..
Malcolm Clarke and Nicholas Reed for The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My Life! (RIP Alice Herz-Sommer)
Best Documentary - Feature
Now, we hit the big dogs of Documentaries: The feature-length bastards. People always claims they watch the whole thing, but we all know that everyone waits for it to be released and then catches the cliffs notes on Wikipedia. Well, Bradley Cooper came out in his finest (you'll always be the Sack-Man to me!) to intro these nominees. And they were:
The Act of Killing, documenting government atrocities in Indonesia. Dirty Wars, documenting government atrocities of the U.S. in foreign countries. The Square, documenting government atrocities in Egypt. Cutie and the Boxer, documenting the atrocities of snubbing a painter who boxes. And 20 Feet from Stardom, which documents the lives of background singers and the atrocities of ignoring them.. Fun fact: You ARE interested in that.
And the winner was..
Morgan Neville, Gil Friesen, and Caitrin Rogers for 20 Feet from Stardom! (Told ya.)
Best Foreign Language Film
Just like the category suggests, these are the best of the best in movies that were released in a foreign language. And fittingly presenting the award were two complete and totally non-English speaking celebrities: Ewan McGregor and Viola Davis. (Everyone knows that neither Scots nor women can speak English.. It's science.) The nominees were:
Belgium's The Broken Circle Breakdown, where a couple with a dying child pretend to enjoy Bluegrass music. Italy's The Great Beauty, in which an elderly socialite reflects upon his life and slowly becomes emo. Denmark's The Hunt, which teaches the world that simply being around children can ruin your entire life. Cambodia's The Missing Picture, which sneaks in a partially animated film AND documentary about the Khmer Rouge into the Foreign Language Film category. And Palestine's Omar, a story of a Palestinian man who is a baker by day and a freedom fighter by night.. Until one day, he is caught and must decide to become an informant for those he's been fighting against. I guarantee I was never going to guess that plot from that title.
And the winner was..
The elderly, former party animal/emo old guy story from Italy, The Great Beauty!
Best Picture Tease Part Two
The second presenter to come out and address the crowd in the subject of the next three films up for the Big Award of the night is Tyler Perry! A fine job, well done.. But I can't help but notice the missed opportunity to have this whole slot called Tyler Perry presents Tyler Perry presents Madea's Best Picture Tease.
Brad Pitt fought a horde of zombies (I assume) and made it to the stage to introduce U2's performance of their song Ordinary Love from the Nelson Mandela biopic called Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom. They put on their usual U2 bravado and strutted across the stage all U2-like. At one point, I'm pretty sure Bono got on his knees and tried to impregnate all the women in the house. A solid performance (if you like U2), but I was really disappointed no one thought to try and get a Nelson Mandela hologram up on stage with them.
Best Sound Mixing
A lot of people are confused about the difference between Sound Editing and Sound Mixing, but I think I figured out an easy way to explain it: Sound Editing is Michael Winslow from the Police Academy movies. He makes a lot of sound effects perfectly on his own. He's a cool fucking dude. Sound Mixing is what would happen if someone took all the sound effects Michael Winslow makes with his mouth-hole and then mixed them together into a really cool dubstep song. Oh yeah, Charlize Theron and Chris Hemsworth came out and introduced this award.. The nominees were:
Chris Burdon, Mark Taylor, Mike Prestwood Smith, and Chris Munro for the blending of all of the water noises with the gunfire and boat engine sounds in Captain Phillips. Skip Lievsay, Niv Adiri, Christopher Benstead, and Chris Munro (pulling double duty, apparently) for blending all of the space noises with the dialog and dysfunctional equipment noises in Gravity. Christopher Boyes, Michael Hedges, Michael Semanick, and Tony Johnson for blending all of the fantastical combat sounds with all of the mythological creature noises in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. Skip Lievsay (also pulling double duty), Greg Orloff, and Peter F. Kurland for integrating a bunch of hippy folk music into the story of a cat and its shitty owner in Inside Llewyn Davis. And Andy Koyama, Beau Borders, and David Brownlow for making a bunch of battle noises (with their mouths, I assume) and then mixing it into a harrowing tale of survival in Lone Survivor.
And the winner was..
Skip Lievsay, Niv Adiri, Christopher Benstead, and Chris Munro for Gravity!
Best Sound Editing
By the way, someone make a Michael Winslow dubstep song. Do it now!!! Chay-Chri stayed out to present this other sound category, as well. The nominees were:
Steve Boeddeker and Richard Hymns for all the water noises in All is Lost. Oliver Tarney for all the water noises in Captain Phillips. Glenn Freemantle for all the space noises in Gravity. Brent Burge and Chris Ward for all the fantasy noises in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. (by the way, I was super excited that Charlize Theron said "Smaug" all weird like you're supposed to because Chris Hemsworth dropped the damn ball.. "Smow-oog") And Wylie Stateman for all the 'splosion noises in Lone Survivor.
And the winner was..
Glenn Freemantle for Gravity!
Best Supporting Actress
Presenting the award for Best Supporting Actress always goes to the previous year's winner of Best Supporting Actor, which is nice because that means there are absolutely no double standards at The Academy. Christoph Waltz stepped out onstage and totally nailed his performance as Best Supporting Actress Presenter, this year. The nominees were:
Sally Hawkins for putting up with her sister's shit in Blue Jasmine. Jennifer Lawrence for putting up with everyone's shit in American Hustle. Lupita Nyong'o for putting up with a recklessly awful and wholly evil institution's shit in 12 Years a Slave. Julia Roberts for putting up with Meryl Streep's shit in August: Osage County. And June Squibb for not putting up with anyone's shit in Nebraska.
And the winner was..
Lupita Nyong'o for her powerful work as Patsey in 12 Years a Slave!
And then there was a celebrity pizza party on camera where they made some pizza delivery guy's life. I assume because they wanted to show that celebs can be normal people, too.. But really managed to just show everyone how much cooler pizza is and how much cooler you are if you are famous and enjoy pizza. Also, I assume no one who rushed their time on stage because of "time constraints" was overwhelmingly blinded with rage with this bit.
The Academy Museum of Motion Pictures
At one point, Cheryl Boone Isaacs-- the President of the Academy Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences-- came out to talk about this super sweet museum for the history of talkies and silent talkies. It will be designed by Renzo Piano (the guy behind prison shanking London with The Shard) and architect/brother to automaton fortune-teller Zoltar from Big, Zoltan Pali. They're setting up shop and expanding on the May Company building in Los Angeles.. But let's be honest, they're really just trying to make a museum that looks like a space ship.
Best Cinematography
To present the award for the people responsible for making sure that every movie we see isn't completely visually dumb-looking (I need one of these people for making my words sound not dumb), Bill Murray and Amy Adams came out.. Then Bill Murray made everyone wet. In their pants. The nominees for Best Cinnamon Toast-tography were:
Philippe Le Sourd for his ethereal work in grounding The Grandmaster in reality.. Kind of. Emmanuel Lubezki for basically illuminating the stark blackness of space in Gravity. Bruno Delbonnel for keeping everything evenly black and white in Inside Llewyn Davis. Pheon Papamichael also for his B&W work on Nebraska. And Roger A. Deakins for all of that blue lighting and blue darkness in Prisoners. And, according to Bill Murray, Harold Ramis for Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, and Groundhog Day.
And the winner was..
If you thought Gravity wasn't going to win every technical award, you should probably stop trying to predict winners because Emmanuel Lubezki totally won it for Gravity!
Best Film Editing
The unsung heroes of movie production are the editors. There's no joke here. These guys are the reasons movies make sense. Here to present the award that sings the praises of these film ninjas are Anna Kendrick and Gabourey Sidibe. The nominees were:
Jay Cassidy, Crispin Struthers, and Alan Baumgarten for American Hustle. Christopher Rouse soloing the shit out of his job on Captain Phillips. John Mac McMurphy and Martin Pensa for Dallas Buyers Club. Alfonso Cuarón and Mark Sanger for Gravity. And another soloist, Joe Walker, for being the glue to Solomon Northup's big screen story for 12 Years a Slave.
And the winner was..
Remember how I JUST said that Gravity will probably win every technical award? Yeah, this is yet another time that proves that theory correct because Alfonso Cuarón and Mark Sanger took it home for Gravity!
Whoopi Goldberg came out in some insane red ruby high heels, just daring a house to fall on her. She intro'd the 75th Anniversary for the Wizard of Oz by calling out Judy Garland's grown-ass kids (Liza Minnelli, Lorna Luft, and Joseph Luft) and announcing Pink's rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Pink also tempted falling houses by attempting to one-up Whoopi by wearing a ruby red dress.
Best Production Design
Benedict Cumberbatch and Jennifer Garner came out to present this award.. Presumably because those were the two names struck when the Academy Director of Presenters (probably a real position) chucked a couple of "Presenter Selectors" (darts) at the "Presenter Database" (dartboard full of celebrity names). And just who was nommed for the award given to the team that best forces you to believe that the people in the movie are where they claim they are in the movie? The nominees were:
Judy Becker and Heather Loeffler for making everyone relive the late 70s in American Hustle.. Even people who didn't live through it once, yes.. Even THEY relived it. Andy Nicholson, Rosie Goodwin, and Joanne Woollard for building space brick-by-brick in Gravity.. Also, space items and the other things and space stuff. Catherine Martin and Beverley Dunn for causing a resurgence of people who didn't really grasp the moral of the story to want to recreate the parties of The Great Gatsby. K.K. Barrett and Gene Serdena for creating the absolutely plausible (except for the pants) future of Her. And Adam Stockhausen and Alice Baker for recreating Paula Deen's wet dream in 12 Years a Slave.
And the winner was..
Catherine Martin and Beverley Dunn for bringing Baz Luhrmann's fever dreamcreation to life in The Great Gatsby!
Most Popular Heroes Nod
One of my favorite actors, Chris Evans (who played no one's favorite super hero, Captain America), came out to introduce the next heroic montage of the night. Basically, they took the term "hero" literally and chucked in a bunch of big movie studs and like.. I don't know.. Three? Lady studs. I was excited that they threw the Independence Day speech in there, though.. But a full-on, raging missed opportunity to not include this fucking guy:
In honor of the fallen greats that spent their lives and careers bringing movies to life, Glengary Glenn Cose came out to give a few, nice words. And then Bette Midler forced the memory of everyone who died in 2013 to become air beneath her wings.
Best Picture Tease Part Three
The final presenter of the list of nominees for Best Picture was Goldie Hawn. Now, again, I'm not going to specifically say anything about Goldie, but if there was an event that acted as a cautionary tale for actresses thinking about getting work done, it was the 86th Academy Awards. That being said, I hate that the cameras always shut off right before they do these totally real, and completely not made-up-by-me gags!
So, John Travolta made for the stage in order to introduce Idina Menzel singing Let It Go from Disney's Frozen, the final performance of the night. That was what he MEANT to do.. Instead, John Travolta squinted his way through his lines and accidentally introduced someone called Adele Dazim. (One final thought on plastic surgery and facial "enhancements": It should also be noted that even actors aren't above the scrutiny and self-consciousness that plagues the wildly famous.) As for the performance, look, I know that Idina Menzel is the original performer of Let it Go, but I couldn't get behind this performance for two reasons.. 1) I feel like Demi Lovato's version (and all of her songs) is the greatest of all of both of these versions. and B) I do realize that it wouldn't have worked with the playlist of this year's Best Songs, but it was hard to concentrate when Idina Menzel should have been singing Defying Gravity for a different movie.
Best Original Score
Now for the music awards portion of the evening! The score is such an important part of a movie, to me. It basically tells me what I'm supposed to be feeling in certain parts of the movie.. And what part of my body to be feeling them in. I may be thinking of something else, now that I reread that all typed out-like.. However, I refuse to delete anything once it's on paper. Sorry.. "Paper". Introducing the award was musically inclined singer/actor Jamie Foxx and his co-presenter, has-heard-music-before/actress Jessica Biel. The nominees were:
John Williams (because, of course John Williams) for The Book Thief. Steven Price for his dramatic ambiance in Gravity. William Butler and Owen Pallett for their quirky future tones of Her. Alexandre Desplat for giving Judi Dench's journey some more weight in Philomena. And Thomas Newman for trying to Disney up Disney's Saving Mr. Banks.
And the winner was..
Steven Price for Gravity! Though, realistically, the score for space would just be the audible interpretation of this picture.
Best Original Song
Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel held down the stage to present the Oscar for Best Original Song. The nominees were:
Pherkel Wallmess for his upbeat ditty Happy for Despicable Me 2. Christine Angio-Plez and Ronson Slopez for their epic Let It Go for Frozen. Kerney Ohm and Spackle Joams for The Moon Song from Her. And Pack Shoopmon, Dev Nevas, Anderson Clepteen, and LaRee Moolmin for Ordinary Love from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom.
Wait.. I mean, Pharrell Williams for Happy. Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez for Let It Go. Karen O and Spike Jonze for The Moon Song. And Paul Hewson, Dave Evans, Adam Clayton, and Larry Mullen for Ordinary Love.
And the winner was..
Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez for Let It Go from Frozen!
Best Adapted Screenplay
Robert De Niro and Penelope Cruz were the latest to receive the dartboard treatment and paired up to present the Best Screenplay awards! First up was Adapted Screenplay.. As in: Someone else wrote the entire story, most of the dialogue, created every character.. And then, usually-- Not always, but usually-- someone comes in and shits all over it to turn it into a watchable movie. The best version of that's nominees were:
Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy, and Ethan Hawke for concluding their trilogy for Before Midnight. Billy Ray for adapting a mouthful of a book for Captain Phillips. Steve Coogan and Jeff Pope for bringing the story of Philomena to life. John Ridley for bringing Solomon Northup's account to the mainstream public for 12 Years a Slave. And Terence Winter for making an asshole wildly famous by retelling Jordan Belfort's story in The Wolf of Wall Street.
And the winner was..
John Ridley for his adaptation of 12 Years a Slave!
Best Original Screenplay
Bobby De Niro and Penny Cruz (I'm allowed to call them that, we go way back*) stayed out and presented Best Original Screenplay. These are the pure-breeds, ladies and gentlemen. The nominees were:
*I was recently accosted by both actors for over-familiarity.. Apologies.
Eric Warren Singer and David O. Russell for American Hustle's ABSCAM Scandal plot.. Which, I'm pretty sure should technically be in the adapted story category. Woody Allen for his tale of two sisters in Blue Jasmine. Craig Borten and Melisa Wallack, also deceiving everyone by adapting Ron Woodroof's true story, for Dallas Buyers Club. Spike Jonze for aiming a mirror at society with Her. And Bob Nelson for making the story of one man's journey with his son to Nebraska actually not boring.
And the winner was..
Spike Jonze for Her! And apparently, five other people.
Best Director
This is the home-stretch, everyone.. The main event of this three and a half hour event. Who will be the best director for the next 364-ish or so days? Well, Angelina Jolie and a very stern Sydney Poitier (They came out to tell us. The nominees were:
David O. Russell trying to repeat last year's success with American Hustle. Alfonso Cuarón for destroying Sandra Bullock's entire psyche (in real life and in the movie) in Gravity. Alexander Payne for getting Bruce Dern back into action in Nebraska.. And by "back into action" I, of course, mean "back into a movie with no action". Steve McQueen, but not that Steve McQueen, for having the British balls to smack America in the face with its own awful and tragic past in 12 Years a Slave. And Martin Scorsese for making so many awful people seem so glamorous and likable in The Wolf of Wall Street.
And the winner was..
Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity!
Best Actress
Daniel Day-Lewis sauntered out to present Best Actress. Daniel Day-Lewis, you may recall, won Best Actor last year for playing Abraham Lincoln.. Not the vampire hunter. Daniel Day-Lewis has won this honor a couple other times, so it was no surprise when he totally laid the gauntlet down for this year's Best Actor to do a better job presenting next year. The nominees were:
Amy Adams for being the brains behind the hustlers in American Hustle. Cate Blanchett for her portrayal of every living-beyond-their-means, entitled fuck in the history of this country in Blue Jasmine. Sandra Bullock for single-handedly carrying Gravity.. Ironically, spending most of the movie trying to find something to hold on to. Judi Dench for her heart-wrenching performance of a woman who may or may not have had her life ruined by nuns in Philomena. And Meryl Streep for her big-ass performance and big-ass hair in August: Osage County.
And the winner was..
Cate Blanchette in Blue Jasmine!
Best Actor
Last year, Jennifer Lawrence won Best Actress so hard that she decided her legs were completely optional. It turned out that they really aren't that optional and so, after standing back up, she carried on. This year, her job was just to present the Best Actor award.. And since she already used her One Fall a Year card, she pulled it off phenomenally. The nominees were:
Christian Bale for being the hustleader in American Hustle. Bruce Dern for making me want to believe in sweepstakes entries again in Nebraska. Leonardo DiCaprio for taking a wholly awful person and getting me to ALMOST cheer for him in The Wolf of Wall Street.. Almost. Seriously, Jordan Belfort was a piece of shit. Chiwetel Ejiofor for really bringing us into Solomon Northup's struggle for re-attaining freedom in 12 Years a Slave. Though, it was super easy to NOT root for slavery, which helped. And Matthew McConaughey for injecting a ton of spirit into AIDs victim Ron Woodroof's life in Dallas Buyers Club.
And the winner was..
Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club! But, like, the Matthew McConaughey from four months ago..
Best Picture
Throughout the night, various celebrities foretold a great and noble prophecy: At the climax of the eve, nine moving pictures would clash, yet only one would be showered with praise and rise above all others. Okay, that really wasn't that epic.. Actually, that wasn't even a very good introduction to this category. The way you really introduce this category is find the star of one of the worst movies of the year and have THAT guy introduce it.. So Will Smith showed up and told everyone what's what. The nominees were:
American Hustle, the lighthearted portrayal of a late 70s sting that shone a light on public corruption.. Which today wouldn't cause much of a shock considering that government corruption is pretty much just public knowledge. Captain Phillips, the story of one man's telling of one man's account of high seas piracy off the coast of Africa in the modern world. Dallas Buyers Club, a movie about a single man versus Big Pharma and how he told them to go fuck themselves with a borrowed needle. Gravity, the story of why no one should ever go to fucking space because fucking space is fucking scary. Her, which follows one man and shows how his attachment to technology is basically one big metaphor for current society.. Oh, and it is also a love story, sort of. Nebraska, which will make you want to spend as much time with your loved ones as you can possible get ahold of. Philomena, which will make you question whether or not you trust nuns in Ireland.. And all the stuff I said about Nebraska, too. 12 Years a Slave, the extremely fucked up tale of how one, totally free, black man in the 1800s was kidnapped and sold into slavery because he was a black man and almost no other reason.. For twelve years.. A slave. And The Wolf of Wall Street, the giant magnifying glass of a movie that showed us all how money corrupts and not one person in a position of any major authority gives any kinds of fucks about it.
And the winner was..
Steve McQueen, Brad Pitt, Dede Gardner, Jeremy Kleiner, and Anthony Katagas for 12 Years a Slave!
Much like last year, I cannot thank you enough if you managed to get this far! I can't wait for next year.. Maybe I'll actually have something prepped and ready to go the next day? Hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaahahah...
Also, bonus Barkhad Abdi joke:
All 86th (2014) and 83rd (2011) Academy Awards screen shots courtesy of Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
Barkhad Abdi from Captain Phillips (2013) courtesy of Columbia Pictures
Jared Leto acceptance speech photo (2014) courtesy of Reuters
Furious George courtesy of Olechka
Blazing Saddles (1974) screen shot, Captain Planet and the Planeteers (1993), Gravity (2013) poster and screen shots, and the helmet from Private Benjamin (1980) courtesy of Warner Bros.
Mr. Hublot (2013) courtesy of Stephane Halleux
Olaf from Frozen (2013) courtesy of Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
OK Magazine Oscars Breakdown (2014) courtesy of OK Magazine
Space Weather Around the World (2008) courtesy of NASA
Helium (2014) screen shot courtesy of M&M Productions
Noisy Neighbors (2013) photo courtesy of Rocket Lease
The Great Beauty (2013) screen shot courtesy of Medusa Film
Brad Pitt's Bawnjourno Pizza (2013) courtesy of Unknown
Academy Museum of Motion Pictures drawings (2013) courtesy of Renzo Piano Building Workshop
Kindergarten Cop (1990) screen shot courtesy of Universal Pictures
The Wizard of Oz (1939) screen shot courtesy of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
Luhrmann Vision courtesy of really terrible skills with Photoshop Elements
Independence Day (1996) screen shot courtesy of 20th Century Fox
Ridley Scott courtesy of Elizabeth and Colonel Francis Percy Scott
Spike Jonze's imaginary friends and family courtesy of MSPaint
The Moonman Video Music Award courtesy of MTV
The Spice Girls promo shot courtesy of Virgin
The Doctor of Doctor Who (2010) courtesy of BBC One
All credited images found on Google Searches and screen grabs from Youtube