The retRo pReview Re-viewing of..
The Boondock Saints
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read!)
(warning: Contains profanity! Erin Go Fucking Bragh!)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: January 21, 1999
The premise: Two Irish brothers (played by Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus) and their Italian friend called Rocco (Appropriately played by David Della Rocco) have all had enough of Crime's shit. They use guns, anger, heavy drinking, and accents to tell it to go fuck itself. Then the bad guy from Speed 2: Cruise Control shows up to track them down and tell them, "Hey, calm down.. The police should be telling Crime to go fuck itself." But they don't care, and keep telling Crime to eat shit, anyway!
The trailer opens up on a crime scene, in which, Willem Dafoe is playing FBI agent, and part time goblin, Paul Smecker, who is helping the Boston Police Department work out just what in the hell happened to a couple of dudes in a back alley in Boston. According to the assessment, it was no ordinary gang land assassination.. Something went wrong. Now, I'm no expert, but I assume that what went wrong was that the victims went down the alley in the first damn place. I haven't been in a lot of back alleys in Boston, but the few I have been in usually look like this:
Special Agent Smecker continues his education of the police force by making connections wildly about how, apparently, all the bad guys in the city start turning up dead and somehow it's related. He must have used "thinking" and "common sense." Hmm.. How novel. He seems unfazed by the death of 2 pieces of trash, though.. And I can respect that. I can't help but think that Batman could take a page out of Smecker’s book. I mean, Batman keeps catching bad guys and locking them up, but they constantly keep breaking out, like, fucking instantly. He should just kill people.
And then shit gets real. The masked vigilante brothers begin rocking the proverbial boat and just unload clips into these mob guys. They start a war with everyone! The Russians, the Italians, poker players, strip club patrons.. Hell, they even take a shot at Hipster Santa Clause (Billy Connolly)!
All of this bedlam is justified, of course, because these guys are on a mission from God. I mean, it says it right in the title: Boondock SAINTS! I remember a couple of other Tour de Force brothers who were awesome and on a mission from God:
I mean, these guys:
Their mission, because they chose to accept it, is to decide who is right, and who is dead. They know the rules: never get involved in a land war in Asia.. Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line.. Never feed them after Midnight.. Never say that you'll "Be right back".. Never have sex in the woods.. Never say never (Starring Justin Bieber).. and the most important rule: If it exists, there is porn of it.
The line goes: "We're sorta like 7/11: We're not always doing business, but we're always open." That is, if 7/11 sold toilets to drop on people from apartment building roofs, rope to hang from so you can shoot people, guns for taking justice into your own hands, bullets to put through peoples' skulls, ink for hand tattoos, gloves to wear so no one sees your hand tattoos.. Wait.. this sounds familiar..
As the trailer winds down, Agent Smecker has a come to Jesus decision to make: Should he abandon everything he's worked so hard to maintain, to uphold the law and bring these vigilantes to justice? OR does he give in to his baser nature and aid the brothers in their own personal war on crime? I'm pretty sure he just says, "Fuck it." and goes on a mad dash killing spree, himself. Actually, at one point, I'm pretty sure I saw him dressed like a lady.. Possible undercover work? Time will tell.
The entire closing to the preview is a mish mash of fuckery and violence, interwoven with slow motion character introductions and the motherfuckin' Ode to Joy! This is a pretty well-crafted trailer for a movie that isn't getting much in the way of a release.. or budget.. or attention. My only hope is this does well enough to get a DVD release so I can show it to all of my friends! The Boondock Saints may just be the coolest brothers since these guys: