The pReview Re-viewing of..
The Expendables 2
CLICK THE TITLE TO VIEW THE TRAILER IN A SEPARATE WINDOW
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: Contains explosions, firefights, cursing, and testosterone. So, basically, testosterone.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: August 17, 2012
The premise: Bad guy, and 100% creatively named, Jean Vilain (Jean-Claude Van Damme) steals a bunch of plutonium. In order to prevent World War III, Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) calls in Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) and his lovable rag tag group of mercenaries to ACTUALLY finish a job that he hires them to do. When they inevitably don't, everyone becomes expendable and Church hires Arnold and Chuck Norris to.. I don't know.. Punch them, or something. Then, everyone starts fighting and shooting and grenading and Taylor Swifting all over the damn place. One key plot point, apparently, is that one of Ross' crew is murder-fied by Jean Vilain! The Expendables then go on the hunt.. for blood.. First Blood. Part 2. Electric Boogaloo.
The trailer starts with Barney Ross' crew sliding around all willy-nilly on the power lines into some country.. Probably Ubekibekibekibekistanstan or something.. And taking heavy fire. But can you really blame the locals? If a bunch of heavily armed beefcakes commandeered my power lines in the name of unnecessary, adrenaline fueled, thrill riding, I'd take offense, too! After landing, however, we realize that.. Actually, there is no reason given for this intrusion. Ross and Lee Christmas (Jason Statham) just decide to murder a bunch of folk in the middle of the jungle. With just their fingers.. And new guy, Billy.. And his bullets. Billy, aka Billy the Kid, aka Gale Hawthorne from The Hunger Games, aka Liam Hemsworth, aka Baby Thor, is one of the newest additions to the crew, and apparently he's a fucking beast with a high powered, fully automatic sniper rifle.
Narrowly escaping, Ross gives the thumbs up, and then the entire cast cocks their weapons in succession, revealing that Billy is now hooked on the life of being a full time mercenary. Still dodging all plot, the trailer continues with Lee Christmas ruining some kind of weird, monk officiated wedding where the groom marries cutlery, and then he kills everyone AT the wedding.. WITH cutlery. I am TOTALLY glad my wedding was completely normal, and had zero knives in attendance. Also, zero Jason Stathams..
Again, the trailer continues with lots of action: Jet Li abusing people with his legs and fists, there are motorcycles and explosions.. There's also a glimpse at another new member. Yu Nan plays Maggie, a bucket full of spitfire who pops up throughout the trailer. And then: Plot! Bruce Willis reprises his role of Mr. Church, upgrading from cameo to "substantial role." He is shown talking down to Ross and referring to his group as a "psychotic gang of mutts." After a tongue lashing like that, you can really only do one thing: Recreate that time Bruce Willis killed a helicopter with a car.. Except, this time with a Rokon motorcycle.
Church tells Ross that it's time for payback. It is implied that he hires the Expendables once more, this time to take down Jean Vilain, who, as I said, has stolen a whole bunch of plutonium. Jean Claude Van Damme, doing his best Johnny Cage (which is funny, because Johnny Cage is CONSTANTLY doing his best Jean-Claude Van Damme), muses about how he can change the world with his new found transuranic radioactive toys. And then Chuck Norris shows up as Booker, either offering his assistance or threatening everyone. It's pretty ambiguous as to whose side Booker is on.. But I'm pretty sure he's threatening everyone because everything Chuck Norris says is a threat. Speaking of threats, Arnold Schwarzenegger pops back up as Mauser again, screaming about being back or something.. Whatever the fuck THAT means.
Mr. Church tells Ross that they better do what he told them to do.. or else.. He'll.. I don't know.. wet willy them, or something. When regrouping, I noticed that they're missing a couple key members: Jet Li and Liam Hemsworth are notably absent. And, seeing as literally every single article on the internet says that one of the good guys is murdered, and one of the main plots is that the group seeks revenge, I assume the dead Expendable is one of those two. So Ross says to track whoever did.. And then find whoever did it.. And then, if there's time.. Kill whoever did it. So, after spray painting a bunch of "clever" phrases on a hodgepodge of vehicles, the team dresses like they're in the fucking Ski Patrol and goes on the offensive.
After several actiony shots filled with wall wreckin', face kickin', arm breakin', knife stabbin', and boat shootin', it's hinted that Mr. Church and Mauser are in leagues, as they attempt to get away in a Smart Car. And, as everyone knows, if you want to make a getaway, Smart Cars are like.. Number.. How many cars are there? Well, whatever the number is, Smart Cars are right up there with.. Last.
The climax of the trailer is filled with more action and even less.. Not action.. Also, the final showdown between Ross and Vilain is featured, as well as the fabled Split Kick that Van Damme has ever so subtly ingrained into his action movies like a nail made out of C4 being hammered into a glacier of TNT by a 2 ton hammer made of nitro glycerin.
Much like the first movie, I have a feeling that there's a lot of skepticism surrounding this.. Mostly because I actually heard groans in the theater when I saw the trailer for this! Seriously?! What the fuck do these people want?! I understand that, sometimes, when you put your action dream team together that you get this:
But sometimes, you get this:
Pet Peeves: Pink drapes.
Underrated quote: "You're gonna regret this the rest of your life... both seconds of it."
Overrated quote: "Adrian!!!!"
Weaknesses: Tied up Asian women
Underrated quote: "It's an unlicensed boxing match. It's not a tickling competition. These lads are out to hurt each other."
Overrated movie: Transporter 2
Likes: Standing against walls, smoking.. Waiting for people to tell him to stop, so he can beat the hell out of them.
Dislikes: People asking him to stop smoking.
Best Jet Li movie: The Enforcer (aka My Father is a Hero)
Pet Peeves: When Man-At-Arms disagrees with him
Overrated quote: "If he dies, he dies."
Other overrated quote: "I must break you."
Randy Couture plays Toll Road
Pet Peeves: Paparazzi.. He hits them with an axe.
Overrated UFC weightclass: Heavy weight
Underrated weightclass: Light Heavyweight
Mid day snack preference: Gerard Butler
Worst movie choice: Norbit
Best movie choice: Idiocracy
Likes: Feeding deer in wooded glens
Overrated quote: "Get to the choppa!"
Underrated quote: "I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine!"
Pet Peeves: Keeping legs together
Worst movie: Street Fighter
Best movie: Bloodsport
Likes: When people don't mention Street Fighter.
Fact: Chuck Norris legally named his penis "Shotgun"
Fact: Whenever anyone claims shotgun, Chuck Norris adds them to his list.
Best movie starring Chuck Norris and Jonathon Brandis: Sidekicks
Most well known role: Gale Hawthorne
Least well known role: Spencer
Most well known brother: Chris
Least well known brother: Luke
Role you may know her from: Horuko from Speed Racer
Role you probably don't know her from: Ermei from Jingzhe
Role you WILL know her from: Maggie from Expendables 2