The pReview Re-viewing of..
CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read!)
(warning: If you think this is a game, 2003's DMX is gon' give it to ya.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: November 1, 2013
By now, we're all extremely aware of what Ender's Game is, right? What's that? You don't?! You aren't familiar with the book that was written almost thirty years ago and has inspired almost every Man vs. Insect space-battle driven story since?! Let me explain in great, painstaking detail everything you need to know about this one part in a book series that changed the way literary science fiction aficionados in the 1980s looked at science fiction text. I cannot stress enough that what I am about to tell you could, in fact, blow your legs clean off of your feet, and fuse your socks to the skin on your feet, and then launch your feet into your lower torso, and propel your lower torso entirely out of the stratosfeet. Again, if you are unfamiliar with what Ender's Game is and where it comes from, and all of the intricate ins and outs of its origin.. I am going to.. Blow. Your. Mind. With. Such. Great. Detail. That. You. Will. Literally*. Die.
Okay.. There may be a bit more to it than that.. Perhaps a few extra nuances in storytelling and maybe just a little nicer writing. But it's pretty damn close. In any case, our cinematic introduction to this boy called Ender and his eponymous Game starts out with a gruff sounding, young gentleman (young?) explaining how some time in the distant past, there was an alien invasion that nearly destroyed all of mankind. They used superior numbers, superior technology, and.. Apparently dick-ships made entirely out of the sun.
What's worse, is that they knew our strategies. How could they have guessed that we would use jet fighters and missiles to oppose a flying enemy?! HOW!? WITCHCRAFT! They even knew our weaknesses. The cunning devils somehow just knew that having a thousand to one advantage over us would be our downfall. Devious warlocks. We somehow pulled through, though, using what I assume was a massive nuclear explosion that wiped out a large portion of our planet based on zero foreknowledge of the story and only minimal attention paid to that part of the preview where it looks like that happened. But who is narrating this? How could this omnipresent voice-over know all of these details? Was he there? Did he survive the nuclear, fuck everything-- including the future-- Earth blast?
Indeepspace-a Jones claims that we need an entirely new kind of soldier in order to survive the inevitable second coming of the mysterious alien race of Jesus-bugs called.. Buggers (seriously.) Okay, they're actually called Formics eventually in the series.. And from what I read, they call them that throughout the movie as well.. So, down, Fanboys, down! Like I was saying, Colonel Graff (the character's actual name, played by Harrison Ford.. If you haven't understood all the Indiana Jones jokes) says that the International Fleet (actually what it's called) needs to come up with an entirely new, never before seen-- or thought of-- soldier. So, they decide to take a massive bite out of actual history, where this has totally been seen and is not at all a new idea, and decide that chil'rens are a totally viable option when faced with intergalactic conflict.
Children were chosen because they don't think the way adults think. You know, so, it's like an extremely violent, life or death Kids Say the Darnedest Things where they just act out all the darnedest things. They also don't have the same fears or challenges when it comes to dealing with life's little problems. Like, if an adult gets a stomach ache, they realizes that they ate too much and probably need to lie down. And if a kid gets that same stomach ache, they realizes HOLY FUCKING SHIT, MORE CANDY! VIDEO GAMES! :runs around like they're on cocaine: :head falls off:. But, more importantly, child soldiers are something the enemy will never see coming. More to the point, the I.F.'s secret prepubescent weapon is something that no one saw coming:
Enter Ender. (<--- You can't tell me that wasn't the best sentence of this entire Re-viewing.) Ender (Asa Butterfield, no relation) is basically what you'd get if you cross Bug Hall with Keanu Reeves: Alfalfa meets Neo. That southern accented white guy from Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift meets Jesus Christ Action Star. Ender is the embodiment of destiny. And if Harrison Ford is Morpheus, then I guess Maori Ben Kingsley is.. I don't know.. The Oracle?
So, Ender teams up with Mattie Ross and Little Miss Sunshine, under the command of Lizard Man, Old-man-diana Jones, and The Help (Viola Davis) to play a series of fun battle games for two hours. Which seems odd because, for the entire trailer, they're really hammering in the fact that Ender is "chosen" and will be a "hero" if he succeeds this "game".. And the poster jams the title's dick firmly into its own ass by claiming that this "isn't" a "game." So.. Who knows what that's about? But in the end, who fucking cares?! Look at all these special effects! That thing exploded! Ender is Minority Reporting the shit out of those spaceships! There are lasers blowing up planets! Pew Pew! There are zooms and panoramics and cool sci-fi sound effects and Ender screaming, "NOW!" FUCK YEAH!
I'm not entirely sure what the tag at the end of the trailer means: "The enemy's gate is down." ..I mean, unless it's some sort of sexual thing. Then I know exactly what it means. (winky face) But this movie looks phenomenal! ..Iiii-I-I think. I mean, with all the controversy surrounding Orson Scott Card and his medieval views on equal rights, I think it's okay to still like the terrible person's writing, right? Maybe? I mean, for all I know, this could all turn out to be some sort of Starship Troopers/Punk'd episode where Ashton Kooootcher pulls off an Orson Scott Card mask and gets us all in some sort of three decades old practical joke. Actually, if that's the case? Kudos, Mr. Kutcher. Kutch. Doze.
And I know this has already hit theaters, and people are taking to the 'Nets in droves, loudly exclaiming: "Yeah.. It's all right." And I assume we won't be getting all the depth one could get from reading the book, but.. You know what? Fuck books. Books are for poor people who can't afford to go to the movies and have their books read to them using flashing lights, loud boom noises, and high-paid movie stars. Whenever I see a book, I flush that shit right down the toilet. Fuck books. This movie is going to be great and I can't wait to see it!