The pReview Re-viewing of..
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: The D is silent. Like the C.. In "fuck". Adult supervision is required.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: 12/25/2012
So, two horses walk into a bar.. The first one says to the second one, "Man, I'm thirsty!" Also, Jamie Foxx is the bartender. Get it? Jamie Foxx is a man. Haha! Hah.. heh.. I.. I got nothin'.. (*)
Throughout the ages, the name Django has meant many things to many people. For instance, in the Romani language (gypsies to you "outsiders"), Django means "I awake." To one website claiming that they know the Hebrew meaning, it means, "Yahweh is gracious, Yahweh is merciful." (In their defense, Django has way less syllables than all that, so, you know.. Excellent consolidation powers!) And yet, in other cultures, galaxies far, far away, if you will.. Django has a different meaning altogether.
The trailer for Quentin Tarantino's latest journal entry for the wide wonderful world of Quentsy Tarantula kicks off with a very succinct lesson in bounty hunting. Killing people for money is a timeless tradition, and the badder your target, the more money you get.
While Dr. King Schultz (Christoph Waltz) educates young Django (Jamie Foxx) in the ways of gunning for hire, Dr. Schultz is shown bountying his hunt with all kinds of rifles, spring-loaded pistols, charm, and a lovely Austrian accent. Schultz is gunning for a crew called the Brittle Brothers. I assume that their last name is Brittle and that they are probably related to each other.. Either that or forming a gang with an osteoporotic motif must have been the "street cred" earning thing to do in the 1800s.
Dr. Schultz needs Django's help because, while he is a quite effective bounty hunter, he also just loves tales of revenge.. Also, he doesn't know what the Brittle Brothers look like-- But Django does. The Brittles, as it turns out, kidnapped Django's wife (Kerry Washington) a while back and sold her to the full-time plantation owner of Candie Land/part-time King of the World, Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio).
Calvin Candie, whose mouth moonlights as a Cenobite's asshole (he has bad teeth), claims Broomhilda (Django's kidnapped lady wife-person) as his property.. As one is wont to do in those days. He flexes his "right" to ownership by claiming that he can do whatever he wants with his "property" (i.e. Broomhilda). Unspeakable things like.. Making them do chores.. Or, putting his finger really close to their face and saying, "I'm not touching you." Or making them play Parcheesi. You know, sick shit.
So a deal is struck! If Django helps Dr. Shultz find and kill the fragile bones out of the Brittle Brothers, Dr. Shultz will help Django track down King Candie and put an end to his mouth of terror. Apparently Django finds the Brittle Brothers fast as fuck, because fifty seconds into the trailer, these two renegades are already knocking at Candie's diseased molars. Candie, being a good host (but awful judge of knowing what good dental hygeine is), invites the duo in for racist fight night by the racist fire!
Candie becomes Captain Curious and inquires how Django and Schultz came to be acquaintances. Schultz, a man of discretion, merely says that a "fortuitous turn of events" brought them together. Of course, "fortuitous" means "violent", and "events" means.. Well, actually, yeah.. Events. Schultz used the classic "Possession is 9/10 of the Law" rule and happened to "possess" a gun during said events.. Which, in turn, prevented Django's "owners" from possessing anything. Including their lives! (He killed them and freed their slaves, is what I'm getting at.) Candie, still in the dark on what the intention of these two unlikely friends may be, has his world rocked by Black Ebeneezer Scrooge (Actually named Stephen and played by Samuel L. Jackson) when he explains that Django and Schultz are there for Broomhilda!
The reunion between Django and Broomhilda is glorious! She's so overcome with relief and joy that she promptly slips into a coma and then dies.. Probably. Probably not. But after some deep reflection, Candie wonders aloud why slaves don't just rise up and kill the whites. Although a fair point, I believe the answer isn't so simple. I am convinced that had the Civil War not broken out, I'm pretty sure that the slave owners of America were going to face down the wrath of a century's old secret weapon..
The trailer continues on as Django's struggles lead to a showdown with Colonel Sanders, a Jonah Hill led KKK, explosions, dogs, snow, I assume penguins crossbred with polar bears.. Also jousting with bullets AND spelling lessons. Not to mention the deleted scene where a white woman tries to have Django arrested for eating her baby. (Rimshot, please!) (**)
I am a huge fan of Quentin Gran Torino continuing his stroll around historic movies and I cannot wait to see this one! (Not to mention everything Quentin Tarantino has done thus far..) I read that this could be part of a trilogy of talkative, ultra-violent historic pieces (starting with Inglourious Basterds, of course!), so, maybe his next outing will be some crazy version of the Roman Catholic heyday. Who knows? But I do know one thing; I will be there with my 10-15 bucks every time he releases one.
Or maybe he could revisit the 80s again? (***)
A big thank you to Thony Wideman (*), Joey Vosovich (**), and Katie Jackson (***) for their assistance in the writing of this review!