The pReview Re-viewing
Monthly Breakdown for..
(warning: Some words may be furloughed due to government shutdown.)
Click on movie posters for their Official Websites!
by Jeff Finck
written: October 1, 2013
Look, I know everyone is concerned about "Obamacare" and the "government" "failing its citizens wholly".. And whether or not Miley Cyrus and Sinead O'Connor are going to duke it out Celebrity Death Match style (actually, Sinead needs to leave that little girl alone, and Miley needs to calm her way-too-skinny ass the fuck down and stop being an awful person).. But, in order to get your mind off of things: Quick, think of the scariest movie you've ever seen in your entire life. Got it? Okay, now that you're all thinking about Beautician and the Beast, I'd like to talk to you about fear. Real fear. What if, every movie that comes out this month is progressively the worst movies ever made?
Like, what if this film about the horror that is the existence of space, starred Kirk Cameron and the holographic image of Tupac?
What if this tense thriller about online gambling starred, not Ben Affleck and Justin Timberlake, but instead, Adam Sandler as male-female twins?
What if Robert Rodriguez and everyone involved thought that a pink Lady Bic razor was a much better weapon than a machete for his newest installation of the Greatest Mexican Hero?
What if Billy Ray and Paul Greengrass took some serious artistic liberties with Captain Phillips' story and the whole thing was actually now about a man called Phil Lips and, instead of Somali pirates, he was abducted by armed men with really shitty Muhammad Ali masks?
What if, instead of another oddly updated remake of Shakespeare's most recognizable work, they just take Baz Luhrmann's version and cast cave people?
What if the new prison movie starring Ahnold and Rocky took their old school action star appeal a step further and it actually starred Spartacus and Tuco from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly?
Oh! And there's another Carrie remake?! How many remakes do think this would get if Steven King had named her Piggy?
What if the team behind Jackass was forced to quit and had to exclusively make safety videos as a punishment for shoving things in their asses for all these years?
What if ANYONE knew what the fuck The Counselor was actually about?!
Get it? Counselor.. Count Slur?! GET IT?! Well, enough of the silliness.. Let's take a look at what is actually coming out (slash came out) this month!
So, in an attempt to terrify every single person who may have been on the fence on whether or not they wanted to be an astronaut (in the distant future), Alfonso Cuarón aka the man who made Charles Dickens not boring aka the reason we know who Diego Luna and Gael García Bernal are aka the man responsible for directing George Richmond's craziest shot in the history of film. Wait a sec.. Where was I? Oh yeah, Alfonso Cuarón was destroying the will to become an astronaut, one frame at a time. Sandra Bullock and George Clooney play astronauts Dr. Ryan Stone and Matt Kowalski (respectively) as they.. Uhmm.. Space.. And stuff. I don't really know why they're up there. But none of that matters because HOLY FUCKING SHIT EVERYTHING BREAKS AND EXPLODES AND THEY'RE LEFT IN SPACE WITH NO WAY HOME AND NO SHUTTLE AND NO AIR AND HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
In the world of online poker, only two rules apply: 1) Win at any cost. And 2) Actually.. There are twenty two rules. The plot of this movie revolves around all twenty two rules being thrown to the cyber wind. (Cyber wind: Totally a thing.) Justin Timberlake portrays Richie Furst, a promising young student at Princeton whose parents hated him.. And you can tell because they named him Richie. Also, on a more related-to-the-plot note, he pays for literally everything with online poker winnings. But when he's cheated out of all of his "pay for literally everything" money by Ben Affleck (who is portraying Evil Ben Affleck), Richie tracks him down.. And then parties with him in paradise. Then, FBI Agent Papa Doc from 8 Mile (Anthony Mackie) gets all pissed and tries to ruin all the fun. I'm gonna go ahead and say that I can totally relate with this one.. Because I swear I'm being cheated every time I play some online poker..
A long time ago, in a galaxy that is exactly the one that we are currently in, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino basically re-invented Grindhouse movies with their two movie series.. Called.. Uhmm.. Grindhouse (Planet Terror and Death Proof). During the Double Feature event, viewers were treated with a handful of movie trailers for movies that don't exist (two of which have actually since become movies) and ads for shit no one was selling. Machete-- the story of an ex-Mexican Federale (Mexicop?) turned revolutionary, played by Danny Trejo,who is forced onto the trail of a conspiracy to deport every illegal immigrant that Robert de Niro, Don Johnson and Jeff Fahey can get their hands on-- was one of the films. It ends with Machete exposing all the corruption in Texas and obtaining a green card.. And.. It had something else going for it.. But I can't recall..
Now, Machete has received a sequel along with that green card. This time, he is recruited by President Carlos Estevez to once again Mexican-exploitation-action-film at things. (Mexploitation?) Apparently, a powerful revolutionary called Mendez (Demián Bichir) has threatened to introduce Washington D.C. to his friend, a missile.. And, who cares about that because Mel Gibson is probably the bad guy. This will have all of our favorites from the first flick: guns, women, action, nudity..
Turtle up, general public! After denouncing any future plans at becoming an astronaut, here's another dream-killer. After this one, you'll never want to captain a cargo ship off the east coast of Africa ever again. In 2009, Somali pirates tried to take control of the crew of the MV Maersk Alabama, but settled for the captain after being completely foiled by things like "preparation" and "forethought" on the part of the awaiting crew and things like "winging it" and "no real plan except this ladder we got" on part of the boarding pirates. I don't want to give too much away, but I really wish the news reports way back in 2009 had come with a Spoiler Alert.
Romeo & Juliet
Remember when Baz Luhrmann completely ruined all other remakes of Romeo + Juliet by making the greatest version of that story that anyone will ever make by setting the whole thing in modern times and using the original dialogue?! Well, this one takes place in its original setting, but uses modern-ish dialogue. WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP REMAKING THIS?!?!
400+ Year Old Spoiler Alert: So, a near adult male falls in love with a thirteen year old girl that he hasn't met and steals her away from a fully grown adult who is in love with, and is betrothed to her.. And marries her, instead. Juliet's cousin gets pissed and tries to kill Romeo, but kills Romeo's best friend on accident. Then, Romeo gets pissed and kills Juliet's cousin for killing his best friend.. And gets banned from the city. In all the banishment and murder, some wires get crossed and, when Juliet pretends to kill herself, Romeo and her previously betrothed suitor fight over a "dead" (and I can't stress this enough) thirteen year old girl. Romeo kills Juliet's jealous ex, then kills himself because.. Well, he is really melodramatic. Juliet wakes up from her "death", sees some old bullshit, then kills herself because she's really young and stupid. Then everyone who survived this spree, gets a stern talking to by the Prince.. Not even the King. Oh, and the whole thing takes place over the course of five days. Seriously.
Sylvester Stallone plays Abigail Breslin.. I mean Ray Breslin, the greatest prison escape artist of the all of the centuries. His job is to get sent to prison, and then piss all over every defense that prison has. His latest job sends him to the ultra-est, most-est toppest secret-est facility, totally non-ominously dubbed The Tomb. Upon arriving in this 13 Ghosts' house version of a prison, he meets Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is a terminator called Rottweiler..? Rottmayer? ..Oscar Rottmayer Weiner.. I mean Emil Rottmayer. Together, they must defeat Jesus Christ and escape.. All with nothing but the aid of Holly from The Office and 50 Cent's computer hacking skills from (I'm guessing) the land of non-existence. I wish I could say more, but, simply put, DO I FREAKING NEED TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE!!!?
Everyone's favorite little ball of teenage angst is back on the big screen! Again! For the.. Third time? If you are unfamiliar with the plot because either you don't/can't read (which is peculiar.. What are you doing on this site?!), or you are very young and think this is going to be a shitty reboot of The Rage: Carrie 2 (even though that makes zero sense and you should be smacked hard in the mouth with broken glass if you think that), allow me to break the plot down real quick-like. There's this girl named Carrie, and everyone hates her because she was raised by a mother who is so backwards that she thinks periods are punishments from God, but not so backwards that she lives in a nice suburban neighborhood and sends her mentally-frail daughter to public school. Well, it turns out that years of shitty parenting and constant bullying gives you telekinetic murder powers that cause people to want to pour blood on you because kids are unimaginative and stupid. And dicks.
Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa
The overlying story here is that an old man called Irving is taking his grandson, Billy, on a cross-country trip to bring Billy to his father because his mom is in jail. What this actually is, is Johnny Knoxville dresses up like an old man and pranks people by physically assaulting himself at them, while simultaneously exploiting a young child (actor) in hilarious ways. One diliriously exhausted fan laughed maniacally through her teeth:
"I wholeheartedly believe that Bad Grandpa will be incredibly crude yet amazing. I'm partially looking forward to the inevitable demoralization and exploitation of a young child by a would-be pedophile dressed as geriatric patient. The "real-life" reactions of unsuspecting strangers will no doubt be a source of much delight and 'belly laughter'. Finally, the inappropriate sexual references will no doubt stimulate interesting and intriguing humoral reactions."
I've searched high and low.. I've watched the trailer for this about six hundred million times, and this is what I've dug up on the plot: Michael Fassbender plays a man called Counselor, a man who is making a one time deal with Javier Bardem (who plays Captan Lou Albano's first mate aboard the USS Mario*) and his wife, Cameron Diaz (who makes a cameo as Cheetara, of Thundercats fame*). Counselor is using middleman-extraordinaire, Cowboy Brad Pitt* as a liason on his dealings with First Mate Blou Balbano and Cheetara, all the while trying (and failing, I assume) to keep his fiancee, Laura Angel* (Penelope Cruz), out of the whole thing. I'm pretty sure, I nailed it.
*Names and facts invented out of necessity because I actually did no research
Final Breakdown: This month's Final Breakdown is brought to you by the posited question: If these movies starred various anthropomorphized animals, would you still watch it? If the answer is YES, you should go see the movie. If the answer is YES solely because of the animalic replacement, you should probably stay away. If the answer is NO, I have a new question: Why the fuck wouldn't you go see a movie starring a anthropomorphized creature?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Romeo & Juliet
Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa