The pReview Re-viewing
Half-Monthly Breakdown for..
(warning: The movie 2 Guns was not written by the rapper 2 Chainz.)
Clicking movie posters will open their official websites in a separate window.
by Jeff Finck
Tragically, we're about half way through the month of August and I haven't said one damn thing about any of these movies coming out! Not to worry, I've finally pulled my head out of my ass (which was very difficult to do.. It's hard to get leverage) and am ready to fire away, poke holes in, and generally tongue the metaphorical assholes of the first half-batch of August's fine movies (in a straight way).. And not so fine movies.. And the ones in between. I have a feeling that a lot of the movies coming out this month are going to be that weird blend of "This movie looks okay, at best.. But I still really want to see it for some reason."
Now, if you've ever seen the trailer for this movie, chances are that the first thought you had after, "Finally! Mark Wahlberg and Denzel Washington have teamed up!" was that this looks kind of like a cross between a video game and a comic book. Or, if you're me, your first thought was, "It's about fucking time that someone re-envisioned Bulletproof!" Further digging into the plot reveals how moronic my first thought was, but.. You know.. Spot on with your first thought! It turns out that Trench (Denzel Washington) and Stig (Mark Wahlberg) are two undercover agents from different agencies (the DEA and.. for some reason, the Navy), and are paired up by the unwitting drug cartel to be best friends.. That don't trust each other. Then they rob a bank together (as ya do when you don't trust someone) that turns out to be owned by the CIA. Dun dun dun. They, of course, then betray each other over the stolen money. And THEN they betray their respective agencies because.. Fuck it.. Reasons, right? But then their respective agencies betray THEM and force O.C. and Stiggs to have to work together to.. Uhmm.. Win.. ..? Convoluted enough for you? Not nearly! Be sure to check out:
We're the Millers
Jason Sudeikis plays David, a friendly, smart, sarcastic, down on his luck pot dealer who needs to make some serious, unfriendly, stupid, non-sarcastic money. His supplier (Ed Helms) offers him a balls-ton of money to pop off to Mexico, snag a little bit of pot and smuggle it across the border. The only problem is that David looks high as fuck at all times and would definitely get stopped-as-fuck the second he tried crossing the border. David decides to hire this awakward kid named Kenny (Will Poulter), a guttersnipe, streetsmart girl called Casey (Emma Roberts), and Jennifer Aniston's well toned body to pose as his family. Because, even though he still looks high, the agents will see his family and realize it's just "family related" pot and let him go. The plan woulda be foolproof, except for a few things: The pot they pick up actually belongs to a massively ruthless drug kingpin who hates when people pick pot up that belongs to him when he didn't authorize it. (strict) His "family" are as compatible as XBOX games are to an Xbox 360. And lastly, the "little bit of pot" is more of an ironic title.. Kind of like "Little John" or "Big-Fat-Ugly-Bug-Face-Baby-Eating" O'Brien. And this next thing isn't really a problem.. But this is what Jennifer Aniston looks like:
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Okay, in the mad scramble to fill the billion dollar book-to-movie void that Harry Potter, Twilight, and Lord of the Rings left (even though, LotR isn't technically done, yet), several other book series have tried to claw their way into our hard, jaded, movie-going hearts: The Chronicles of Narnia almost did it. Diary of a Wimpy Kid fucked some shit up with their core audience or a minute. Nicholas Sparks is still dropping panties. Also on this list is Rick Riordan, who is attempting to cram that void full of Greek mythology with his book series about a young man called Percy Jackson & The Olympians. I mean, just Percy Jackson. The first movie that spun off of his Percy Jackson & The Olympians series was called The Lightning Thief. It came out three full years ago and was pretty successful. This latest outing pits old Percy up against sea monsters, tasks him with finding the Golden Fleece, and, once again, battling Luke Castellan, the demigod son of Hermes, the god of Hermits.
After District 9, how in all of the Charles Dickens could this movie go wrong? Don't think about that too hard, because you may stab yourself in the right eye because of how silly that question is. The answer is, "It can't!" Matt Damon plays Max, a man just trying to bitterly and snarkily get by in the world. Granted, it's future Earth, which has become a shitty, desolate, third world, but I digress. Max urgently needs medical attention, apparently, and the only way to get it is to get his ass to Mars. I mean, Elysium. Elysium (the name of the movie!!!) is actually an orbital Eden-like place that houses all the rich assholes who saw Earth becoming fucked and decided, "Nah." So they left. Max has a couple problems to solve before he can get up there, though.. First: Rich people hate poor people and will do anything to preserve their lavish way of life and keep poor people in their place, so it is just, like, really Mission:Difficult to get to Elysium. The second problem is that, in order to keep Max away, a bossy lady called Delacourt (Jodie Foster) and a vicious brute that looks like Murdock from the A-Team, called Kruger (Sharlto Copley), are tasked with ruining Max's hopes of donning cybernetic enhancements, kicking everyone's asses, racing to galactic paradise, and then exposing the classist societal structure of the future of our current, real world if we don't begin fixing things NOW! Don't worry, though.. I'm pretty sure Max has the answer!
Remember when Disney released a couple of movies about the inevitable breakdown in human society as we slowly poison the planet and the animals rise up against us, but then the self-aware machines come to our aid, destroying all animal life on Earth except humans, leading to the next logical progression: jettisoning into space, and leaving our planet in the care of fully sentient cars, riding around having human adventures and emotions? Can't exactly remember what that movie was called with all the cars.. But.. Anyway.. This one has planes in it.
Final Breakdown: (This monthly breakdown brought to you by Jennifer Aniston's abs.)
We're the Millers
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters