The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
November 16, 2012!
(warning: I put K-Stew's head on a bunch of different things.. And then cursed at them.)
Clicking the poster will open its Official Website in a separate window!
by Jeff Finck
Though, there aren't many movies coming out on Friday, really.. I would like to take some time and tell you about the one movie coming out that actually matters.. The only movie anyone should care about ever.. A movie for the ages, and a movie for all time. I'd like to talk to you about:
Today marks a grand occasion.. Today, we stand on the precipice of new understanding in pop culture and life in general. Today marks the epic culmination of everything we've been working towards since an awkward girl met an equally awkward 107 year old vampire. This is the last day of The Twilight Saga. Now, I know what you're thinking, but no, unfortunately I do not know the way to San Jose or Sesame Street. The other thought on, probably slightly more prevalent in your mind (and more relevant to this blog post), is that you think I'm going to have nothing but bad things to say about the newest Twilight entry. Well.. You're probably right. But it's not my fault! I was born this way! And please don't think that I haven't given this series a fair shake, because I have! I mean, I read part of one of the books.. I even did a full-on marathon (and subsequent Live Tweet-a-thon) of the first 3 movies! And then, before Breaking Bad Part One let everyone down, I even did a full trailer review for it! Click this pic of its sequel to see how hard I tried to give the series a shot.
So, you see? I have to make fun of this.. I need to make fun of this. And seeing as how the entire last movie was about the director trying his damnedest to turn Kristen Stewart into Jeff Goldblum from The Fly, I think even they want this.
So, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part Two comes out tonight at Midnight. (..missed opportunity to release at Twilight tomorrow morning, by the way..) The anticipation for this final chapter is so thick that you could literally put in your fake vampire fangs and bite it.. And then, after you do that, because it's so thick (remember?), your fangs will permanently be embedded in the anticipation until Stephanie Meyer (I refuse to spell her name correctly.. That's not how you spell Stephanie) realizes that she's walking away from a billion dollars a year if she doesn't write another one.. And so she will. But your fake vampire teeth are still stuck in it, so, you know, you'll get royalties and stuff.. And what the fuck am I even talking about anymore?! Oh, right! In the last outing, they had turned Bella Swanson TV Dinners into the From Dusk Till Dawn vampire with a mouth for a stomach..
..and then Bells Palsy Swansonian Institution had herself a freak vampire baby (VAMPIRE BABY!) against literally everyone's better judgment. So, Part One ended with the birthing of a new breed of vampire and the onset of what looked like an all-out war between the Cullen's rag-tag family versus the Italian Vampire Army of Italian Vampires, The Volturi. The Volturi, of course, made up of vampires with crazy useful powers like causing you to think every bone in your body is broken, or preventing you from having senses, or super strength, or total mind control.. Or knowing every thought you've ever had, or knowing how in love with someone you are, or making you feel happy.. So, these guys are basically the X-Men mixed with the fucking Planeteers?
Anyway, Breaking Dawn Part Two is going to air all of the bad blood (pun intended) out for the world (of the Pacific Northwest) to see, and the final showdown between all of the Cullens and all of the Volturi, and all of the Team Jacob, and all of the other vampires in the world will be a sight for the ages!
After all is said and done, this movie is still going to make millions and millions and millions of dollars. Hell, I'll probably even add to the money pile.. Maybe. Just make sure that you catch up on the past movies before running to the theater to sate your desire for all things sparkly, overly dramatic, and everyone’s favorite past time: Closure. And by all means, if you're not already a 16 year old girl going to see this, make sure you scream like someone ripped your urethra out every time Team Edward comes on the screen.. It will help you fit right in. Oh, did I mention that in the last movie, they spent half of their budget trying to make Tinker Balla Swandive look like someone shoved a basketball down Christian Bale's throat in The Machinist?
As a side note, Free Dominguez of the Kidneythieves is in the process of putting together another solo album! 100% independent! She's using kickstarter, though, and can use some help! She's almost to her goal, so click this picture.. Help support her.. And, if you give enough, get some swag for chipping in!