The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
January 11, 2012!
(warning: I have Photoshop now.)
Clicking the movie posters will open their Official Websites in a separate window!
by Jeff Finck
Bear with me because this may not end up being much of a breakdown. I have Photoshop now and I haven't figured out how to use it, yet. Have you ever handed a rocket launcher to an infant? This will probably be a pretty similar experience. Sure, the baby will eventually figure out how to calculate range and splash trajectory and the subtle usage of the inner workings of such a complicated machine.. But until then, it's just a whole lot of pulling the trigger and everyone running for cover while the countryside is painted with all manner of entrails and hill people body parts.
This weekend is going to be a cinematic treat, considering the first couple months of the year is generally filled with the bottom of the barrel of the theatrical community's sloughed skin. Gangster Squad promises to take us deep behind enemy lines in the organized war on organized crime in cluster-fuck Los Angeles. The one Wayans brother (Marlon) brings us back to the Scary Movie franchise with A Haunted House.. But couldn't legally call it Scary Movie. I assume because someone else is currently beating that dead horse into the quicksand with an infant-powered rocket launcher. The critically acclaimed (so far) story of how WE (and totally NOT a trained team of professional Navy SEALs) took down Osama bin Laden in Zero Dark Thirty. And lastly, on limited release in theaters (but, apparently, you can already get it on-demand.. Or DVD and BluRay if you happen to be in the UK at the moment), comes The Baytown Outlaws. The Baytown Outlaws is basically if Raising Arizona and Smoking Aces had a no-holds barred, action-comedy child about Billy Bob Thornton trying to kidnap a completely more different kind of child.
Gangster Squad tells the tale of a time when cops played it fast and loose. And the women were even faster.. And the gangsters were even looser. Uhmm.. Whatever that means! This is a take on that time in Los Angeles' checkered history when Mickey Cohen decided that he was in charge and the fine fellows in law enforcement politely asked him to completely fuck off.. Using guns and more guns. And probably car bombs. And probably politely. But especially with guns. But especially politely. Though, they probably don't accomplish their goal considering that Cohen was only arrested after being convicted of tax evasion.. Because, apparently, gangsters are just godawful at taxes. Click this pic to read my full trailer review for Gangster Squad!
A Haunted House
I wanted to say so many things about this! So, here goes!
..it spoofs Paranormal Activity and possession movies in general..
I know, right!?!?
Zero Dark Thirty
After the September 11th attacks, Osama bin Laden became one of the most hunted and bearded men on Earth. This flick follows the alleged decade long mission that brought the monster to justice. Jessica Chastain stars as Maya, a CIA agent tasked with being both incredibly attractive and totally competent at her job. The fact that this character exists in a movie nowadays is pretty enlightening considering that they usually give a role like that to Matt Damon. Maya gets shit done, though, I assume.. Because then a group of U.S. Navy SEALs run around about a half hour after Midnight and fuck bin Leezy's shit up. Just be sure to look out for the inevitable, awful sequel, where Osama bin Laden comes back to lif--
The Baytown Outlaws
The Oodie brothers: Brick, Lincoln, and McQueen (Ah, my favorite Borderlands character, president, and Steve.. Respectively) are on lease by local sheriff, aptly called Sheriff Millard, as his hired guns. These guys bring vigilante justice where there would, presumably, otherwise be normal, legal justice. Celeste (Eva Longoria) hires the brothers to track down her ex-husband: Career criminal, Carlos Lyman (played by the human tapeworm, Billy Bob Thornton). Carlos shot his old lady and snatched their disabled godson, Rob (Thomas Sangster), so's he can later snatch the kid's trust fund when he turns 18. After the brothers re-snatch (gross) Rob, Carlos sends all kinds of hoodlums, bounty hunters, and assassins after the brothers! Hilarity and ultra-violence ensues! (We hope!) Incidentally, Re-Snatch Rob is the name of my douche bag alter-ego.
Final Breakdown: (This week's Final Breakdown brought to you by outdated old-timey gangster slang!)
A Haunted House:
I give this talkie the old Bronx Cheer. Pffffffftttttt!
Zero Dark Thirty:
Some Ritzy dame and a crew of cat's meows take out the biggest wet blanket in the world? Sounds aces!
The Baytown Outlaws:
Gotta love it when a scorned bearcat gets her claws out. A proper vengeance schtick. Now you're on the trolley!
This movie seems like it will be a fine viewing.