The pReview Re-viewing of..
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(to get rid of the stupid pop-up boxes in the video, just hover over them and click the tiny Xs)
(warning: This review is ALSO not better than the book.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: November 22, 2013
If you need to catch up on where we're at with The Hunger Games movies, go ahead, I can wait two hours for you to go snag a copy of The Hunger Games-- the 2012 movie based on the 2008 book of the same name that was clearly heavily influenced by the 2000 movie, Battle Royale (Whether Suzanne Collins admits it or not), which was based on the 1999 book of that same title.. as well as The Lottery, which is a 1969 short film based on the 1948 short story of the same name. But, if you don't feel like going back and doing all that reading and watching, I'll try and give you a little summation: It's like Battle Royale and The Lottery fell deeply in love in 2011 and decided to get married. Then, nine months later, The Hunger Games came screaming out of The Lottery's vaginal canal and stole everyone's money.
The story goes: Seventy four years ago, the government was really shitty to its thirteen districts.. Like, really shitty. So, the people rose up in defiance. But instead of just, you know, not being shitty anymore, the government squashed the shit out of the rebellion and leveled District 13, both out of spite, and to teach everyone else a lesson. Then, to keep the people guessing, they began forcing random children from the remaining twelve districts to fight to the death for the right of the people in their respective districts to eat like kings for a year. ..I guess.. They secure the balls out of what the Games are, but it's not very clear in the movie who actually has the Hunger (everyone?) and what the prize is for winning the games..
In any case, Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) of District 12 manages to pull off the impossible and survive the 74th Annual Hunger Games with her District-mate, Peeta von Peterpeet (Josh Hutcherson). However, only one survivor is allowed. Instead of killing each other, though, they claim to be in love to gain audience sympathy and then decide to suicide-pact it up and tell the whole system to go fuck itself. Luckily, the Dungeon Master of the Games, Beardy McFlameface (Wes Bentley) stops them just in time and conveniently changes the win condition to: If two tributes survive AND they're both from the same district, then.. You know.. It's all cool and stuff. Which is extremely unfortunate for Beardy because the government forces THAT guy to commit suicide. It is, however, very fortunate for Peeta because that guy's about as useless as a cake decorator in a free-for-all death match.
Now, a year later (don't hold me to that), Katniss' unconventional victory is overshadowed by the fact that life is still incredibly shitty in the everywhere else that is anywhere else other than the capital.. On-the-nosedly called The Capitol. The start of the trailer for Catching Fire shows a very bleak, cemetery-like version of Victors' Village, as Katniss meets up with her younger sister, (sigh) Primrose. Katniss tells her little sis that she wants her and their mother to lay low for a piece, on account of all the shit that Katniss is planning on fucking up in the government. You know, like, I don't know.. Prank calling President Snow (Donald Sutherland). Or.. Or-or.. Ding-dong ditching the White House of the Future..
Primerib Rosenthal (which is how I shall refer to Primrose Everdeen until my dying day) pretty much tells Katnip Everdip (not a permanent nickname) that everything is gonna turn out for the best because, since the poorest district in the nation of Panem won the games, and the way Katniss showed compassion for her opponents, and the fact that she got the government to lick her enormous nutsack.. That the citizens are starting to hope again. But hope amongst the lower-class is a dangerous thing for the citizens and officials living it up in The Capitol, as well as everyone who relies on the status-quo.
To complicate matters more, Katniss' fake-ass television relationship with her survival-pal is starting to weigh down on Peeta off-camera. (YAY, hyphens!) Also, President Snow Patrol and his new scheming-buddy, (sigh) Plutarch Heavensby (Philip Seymour Hoffman), are.. Well.. Scheming.. On how to kill the dick off of Katniss without making her a martyr. All the chips seem to be stacked against Mizz Everdeen (cos I'm nasty). But then, to top it all off, Katniss' home district of District 12 (the twelvest district there is!), comes under attack and her real life love interest, Gale García Bernal Hawthorne (Liam Hemsworth aka Baby Thor), refuses to leave so that he can help defend the impoverished, really shitty land he's come to know and love.. I mean, tolerate. (Well.. Not, like her real real life love interest, but, like her "real life".. Like, reel, as in movie reel, "real life".. In the story. And not the fake Hunger Games within The Hunger Games life.. But, like.. And I've gone cross-eyed) But oh no! Katniss and Gale kissed and President the Rapper Snow recorded the whole thing and he's going to show it in front of the whole world and expose Katniss in a sex scandal that could ruin her image!
So The Snow Miser threatens Katniss with all-out war. War against her, her people, her family.. War against her bow and arrow.. Her Mockingjay brooch! Everything. And like a G, she straight up asks what she needs to do to throw down the gauntlet and get this little war going. Either that, or she asks what she needs to do to prevent it. It's not very clear. In any case, the next scene shows President the Snowman announcing the 75th Hunger Games! Fuck yeah! Only this time, there's a catch: Every twenty five years, there's a unique spin on the Reaping. Sometimes they're all, "This year's Reaping will involve every child whose parents were cruel enough to call their child Peeta." And sometimes, they're all, "Fuck it, we just cloned twenty four Miley Cyruses."
This Quarter Quell (that is what "they" call this whacky twenty five year twist-in-the-Games thingy), the Reaping will only be drawn from the names of past winners! Which seems like it could get interesting. I mean, let's see who we got.. You could have Katniss and Peeta.. District 12's tribute trainer and last Quarter Quell winner, Haymitch Abernathy (Woody Harrelson).. And, let us not forget living legend and winner of the very first Hunger Games, Crazy Earl!
A little off-topic, but I need to address this: I'm pretty sure that I saw Caesar Flickerman (Stanley Tucci) threaten the world's MOST aggressively terrifying blee-jay in there somewhere..
In order to go through the rigamarole of promoting the Games and getting sponsors and sating the public's appetite for bloodlust and child-endangerment, Katniss and the other tributes must make the obligatory pre-Games beauty pageant rounds so that they can remind everyone who they are and that Katniss is still the "Girl on Fire" by showing up with her magical fire dress that always blows people's minds through their taints-- Waitaminnut. Was that little girl wearing a bird costume? Anyway, after that, it's straight to work for Katniss. She has to forget everything she knows about the last Hunger Games because she's about to play.. Uhmm.. The.. New? Hunger.. Games. PART TWO! This time, it's personal. Actually, not really. It's quite the opposite. This time, it's informal. This time, she's playing on Veteran Mode and, this time, hunting deer in the forest just won't cut it as training, anymore.
A nice series of shots close the trailer out, chock full of knowing glances, Mockingjay references, Cinnamon Toast Kravitz, dat drass, and a few key words of wisdom from Haymitch and his beautiful mane of hair: "Stay alive...Remember who the real enemy is." And then, we finally get a shot at the new arena for the brand spankin' new 75th Hunger Games! Aaaaaand.. Apparently, she's competing in the Second Task of Harry Potter's The Triwizard Tournament? Odd..
Fade out on the explosively flaming Hunger Games logo and FADE IN on my excitement! What I find super great about these movies is that I cannot read! That's right.. I said it. The reason these movies are so great is because I can't read. I'm totally illiterate and a bit of an alcoholic. So, I'd be too blind drunk to make out any of the words, anyway. (HOW AM I EVEN TYPING THIS!?) What I'm trying to say is that I haven't been tainted by a pesky thing like "knowing the source material" ahead of time. I get to make a completely naive, totally innocent opinion on whether or not to be entertained by watching a bunch of children lay waste to each others' young lives in the name of a despot whose only joy in life comes from having a fucking fantastic beard and keeping the people he governs firmly under his boot heel. And my decision is: OH YEAH! I can't wait to get into my Katniss Everdeen costume and force everyone to watch me compete at the next big games event after this comes out!