The pReview Re-viewing
Year in Re-viewing
(warning: 100% subjective.. 7% creative. Spoiler alert: May contain some spoilers.)
Clicking on movie titles or posters will open their trailers in a separate window!
by Jeff Finck
This is it! No more 2013! Everything else, from here on out, has to be better.. Right? Not so fast! If you're like me, and I know you're not.. You like to dwell in the past. I'm going to break down a whole bunch of 2013 for you.. So much that you'll wish it was 2014! And you're in luck! IT IS!!! So sit back, relax.. But not too much-- it's not the funky future of 2014 and you'll need to exert some effort to read.. Wait.. It is.. But it's not.. -- while I explain to you all the greatest things about movies in 2013!* Put on your 3D glasses now.
*just not WHICH movies were greatest.. or who was the best actor or actress.. or most things..
Normally, when I think of great movie trailers, my mind immediately jumps to big action, high budget, lots of stars, amazing cuts, great songs-- You know, a massive WOW! factor on all levels. The five trailers I chose are, I'd say, a little more subtle and likable after-the-fact. So, you are entirely welcome for my originality! When it all comes down to it, watching these trailers is kind of like hearing a Jamiroquai song fifteen years after it's relevant.
In any case, here it is:
Best Movie Trailers of 2013!
(and I must be clear: Just because it had a great trailer DOES NOT mean it was a good movie)
At first glance, this just seems like your run-of-the-mill, boring, thirty-something couple vacation/road trip movie.. And you may dismiss it there and stop watching the trailer. DON'T DO THAT! Keep watching because, if you do, this almost turns into a, "What if Mickey and Mallory got older, relocated to Northern England, and decided to become caravan enthusiasts?" And then the whole trailer is glued together with Soft Cell's Tainted Love and Frankie Goes to Hollywood's The Power of Love, which makes it as perfect a psychotic match as Mickey and Mallory, in my opinion.
When I first heard that this book was becoming a movie, I thought, "Well, this should be sufficiently fucked up." The trailer delivered on that promise. Seeing the movie cleared some things up, which was nice of it to do like the sentient thing that it is. But, like every movie nowadays, it ended on a "This is going to have a sequel." note. A sequel would be kin of cool, but, really.. If Hollywood never makes The Incredibles 2, every other sequel can eat its own asshole.
When this was first announced, I actually tried to drown myself in the intestines of a Blue Whale. I was like, "FUCK THIS!" I thought that it was fully unnecessary and didn't need to be remade. But then I heard that this might, in fact be a sequel on top of being a reboot.. AND there might be a sequel to this, AND there might be another Army of Darkness, and THEN, there's going to allegedly be a full-on Evil Dead Part 3! I then gleefully shit myself and was promptly asked to leave that particular Denny's.
The Great Gatsby is one of those books that you read and think, "Why am I being forced to read this in school?" Years later, if you do ever pick it up again, it's actually not too bad. So, when I found out that Baz-lin Luh-Rouge-mann-- Mister 1996's Romeo + Juliet himself-- was psychotically behind this, I jumped on-board. I assume his next project will be to cast Leonardo DiCaprio in a Catcher in the Rye book-to-movie that takes place in a universe entirely filled with paint.
I'm only slightly ashamed to admit that I'd never even heard of this! My shame is, however, completely overshadowed by my supreme awesomeness and inability to actually acknowledge the effects of shame on the human condition.. So, I win! Now, I'm not sure if this movie is any good, as I have not seen it.. But how bad can it freaking be with a plot that looks like Romeo & Juliet set in a Labyrinth baby-rescue sequence?!
Best song in a Trailer
(aka Jack White vs Himself)
I looked at every trailer I could get my eyeholes and earholes on and decided that most movies should just use Jack White related projects for their trailer music. Macklemore may have been used in more TV spots-- and while I like his music, I am, however, getting a little iffy about the only two songs the world seems to be aware of-- I'll be a son of a bitch if Jack White doesn't make you feel things you didn't know you wanted to feel. And you know what? Fuck it. I'm even going to throw The Hangover Part III's use of Wolfmother's Apple Tree in just for sounding like Jack White.
The Great Gatsby
Love is Blindness by Jack White
(trailer) Song starts at 0:50/2:27
GI Joe: Retaliation
Seven Nation Army (Glitch Mob Mix) by
The White Stripes
(trailer) Song starts at 1:08/2:32
Most Spot-on Trailer
Basically, if you watched this trailer and were subsequently disappointed by this movie, you brought that on yourself. I am pretty sure that if you read the title of this movie and were subsequently disappointed by this movie, you have brain problems. The movie promised only three things: Someone called Hansel, someone called Gretel, and that both of them were going to hunt witches. Everything else is just a bonus!
Best Big Ass Spider! Movie Trailer
I was recently told by The Helm to watch the opening scene of this flick, and in that two minutes and fifty nine seconds of footage, I laughed, I cried.. I masturbated furiously (unrelated).. I even got a little gassy. But, in that near three minutes, I was a god. Some of you more internet-savvy folks can probably find this online somewheres, but for everyone else (including the internet-savvy): BUY THIS, NOW! I really hope we see some sequels to this.. But, you know, sequels starring other big-ass things.
Worst Movie Trailer
In all honesty, spoof movies should have stopped in 2001 after they made Scary Movie 2 and Not Another Teen Movie, when we had all just won at making and seeing spoof movies. Here we are, twelve years later, and it boggles my mind that, in that time, no one has figured out how to make a good spoof movie. There are some decent parody and satire movies, don't get me wrong, but check this trailer out, straight spoofing has nearly died: Remember that horror movie starring Madea? Ahh, the scary movie, Black Swan.. Remember how terrifying Inception was? They're really delving into Epic Movie levels of bullshit, here..
Most Deceptive Trailer
I just don't know what happened. This movie had SO much going for it. A RIDICULOUS cast, a decent movie trailer.. Not to mention enough writers and directors that someone should have stepped up and said, "If the only reason a joke is mildly amusing is because you just wouldn't expect that star to do that thing, then we have a problem here." But that guy didn't exist during the making of this.
Most Unnecessary Sequel
I say unnecessary because, while this was a decent action movie, they could have just as easily changed all the minor references to John McClane to be about LITERALLY ANY OTHER ORIGINAL CHARACTER BECAUSE THIS WAS NOT A DIE HARD MOVIE AND SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN LAZILY ATTACHED TO THE SERIES! Sorry about that. Seriously, though.. Why make this a sequel? This would have been an amazing action flick if they just called it, Loud Americans in Russia. Boom. I just started a new franchise.
Most Dick-Move Way to Keep Movie Rights from Marvel
Look, if Fox wants to keep casting Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, I don't think anyone is going to complain.. But why in all of every fuck on this planet do they, after X2, just keep shitting on this character every chance they get? LET MARVEL HAVE HIM BACK!!!!
That's it for the 2013 Year In Re-viewing! Stay tuned, later today I will be posting a special 2013 Year in Characters! Thanks for stopping by and have a very erotic, very Happy 2014!!!!