The pReview Re-viewing
Late Ass
Oscar Breakdown!
(warning: Fuck! I'm three weeks late?! Spoiler alert: Cursing wins the Best Sentence Enhancer award!)
There are lots of clickable things throughout.. Don't be shy! CLICK THEM!
by Jeff Finck
written: 3/15/2013
The Red Carpet rolls out, and every veteran actor (slash) actress attempts to slip past the fashion phalanx that is every single person with a microphone and camera aimed directly into their eye-holes. The unlucky actors and actresses are feverishly prodded and inspected like dozens of Banana Joes at the Westminster Dog Show. They are also, of course, caught, tagged, and then released back into the wild.
Everyone takes their seats and Seth MacFarlane regales everyone's inner 15 year old with a totally real and completely true tease of Ron Jeremy turning down the hosting responsibilities.. To "Oh snap!"ing Chris Brown, Rihanna, and Mel Gibson.. To trying to make Tommy Lee Jones laugh.. To..
Captain James T. Kirk (Or Yoms T. Kirk.. It's possible that it's a soft J..) shows up like a "You left me out of the last Star Trek movie, but I'm still here!" demon from "Two Fingers Straight Up" land. He tells Seth MacFarlane to get his shit together because Seth's about to ruin the Oscars. Then they proceed to, apparently, piss every single overly sensitive viewer off by actually completing the fucking joke by showing us how Seth MacFarlane ruins the Oscars using time paradoxes that should not be toyed with!
To everyone who was offended by the boobs song (cleverly titled, "We Saw Your Boobs"), the joke worked, dammit. Calm the fuck down. It worked on multiple levels, even. First, the Juvenile Level: Boobs! Sweet! They made me think about boobs! So, that's cool. Second, the Doctor Who level (Otherwise known as the Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-Wimey level): All of the tasteless jokes are from "another time", in "another world" that didn't actually "happen".. Yet. It's like getting mad at your grandpa because you had a dream that he crapped in your shoes while he made out with your High School crush. It didn't actually happen, but dammit, it was so real! (And disurbing!) And lastly, the Highbrow Level (or, probably more accurately, the Midbrow Level): It's a song objectifying women.. But, it's objectifying women who have basically surpassed that objectification by being recognized for their acting efforts because THEY ARE ALL AWARD WINNING/NOMINATED ACTRESSES WHO ARE GOOD SPORTS WHEN IT COMES TO LIGHTHEARTED COMEDIC BITS ABOUT A FICTIONAL, PROBABLE FUTURE UNIVERSE THAT NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED! And, again, getting upset about this silly opening number is the equivalent of staying angry at this old coot:
In between all of the fictional offensiveness, Seth MacFarlane is given tips by Cap'n Kirk. After one tip, he brings out Charlize Theron and Channing Tatum (ChaT 1 and ChaT 2, lovingly) for a little high class dancing to MacFarlane's rendition of Sinatra's "The Way You Look Tonight". After reenacting the movie Flight with sock puppets, he's instructed to bring out Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe for more song and dance class with "High Hopes". And then, after creepily hitting on Sally Field while dressed as The Flying Nun, Seth appeased the Shatner by singing a short, not funny, but not unfunny version of "Be Our Guest". Click HERE to see an oddly slanted full opening monologue for the Oscars!
And that was just the opening! Now, finding a coherent string of chronological clips of the 2013 Oscars was about as difficult as getting a blowjob from a leprechaun who just had his jaw wired shut.. (the blowjob is actually the easy part.. They're just, like, really hard to catch..) So, for the sake of your sanity, I'll just recap the actual awards and performances for everyone with my words. And jokes. And stupidity. And here.. We.. GO! (Edit: I've recently found a whole bunch of clips.. So, make sure you click on the Winners' images!)
Best Supporting Actor
Octavia Spencer, the sass-master General from the movie The Help (which gave her Best Supporting Actress last year), presented the award for "That guy who's in almost every scene.. But, you know, isn't the main character." The nominees were:
Alan Arkin for Argo.. The A Trifecta! Also, the greatest name to say instead of cursing, Philip Seymour Hoffman for The Master. Tommy Lee Jones and his wig for Lincoln. Robert De Niro for Silver Linings Playbook. And Christoph Waltz for being fucking amazing in Django Unchained.
And the winner was:
Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained!
Best Animated Short Film
Presenting this award are Paul Rudd dressed as Charles Manson, and Melissa McCarthy doing her best Angelina Jolie impression. Both of them awkwardly auditioned for every animation casting director alive by stumbling through their impressions of robots and inner city mice before letting us know who had the shortest, best animated flick. The nominees were:
Adam and Dog by Minkyu Lee. Fresh Guacamole by PES (Not to be confused with PEZ.. I know.. I checked. Online.) Head Over Heels by Timothy Reckart and Fodhla Cronin O'Reilly. Maggie Simpson finally got her biggest day in the spotlight since shooting Mister Burns in The Longest Day Care by David Silverman. And Paper Man by John Kahrs.. Incidentally, Paper Man was the last time anything on film made me feel feelings. Bastard.
And the winner was:
John Kahrs' Paper Man!
Best Animated Feature Film
Continuing right where they left off, Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy stayed onstage to present the feature film award because.. You know, fuck it.. They're already out there. The nominees were:
Brave by Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman. Frankenweenie by Tim Burton.. No doubt trying make up for his snub for the 1984 Best Short Film award (that never happened). ParaNorman by Sam Fell and Chris Butler. The Pirates! Band of Misfits by Peter Lord. And Wreck-It Ralph by Rich Moore.. Which should win Best Video Game References in a Movie.. But the Academy is probably too scared that this would be the only film to ever win that award ever.
And the winner was:
Brave by Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman!
Best Cinematography
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! Well.. Some Avengers. And actually, really just the actors who played the Avengers. Robert Downey, Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner, and Samuel L. Jackson came out to present the award, possibly representing the fact that The Avengers should have won every award of the evening, up to-- And including-- Best Documentary Short Subject. The nominees for Cinematography were:
Seamus McGarvey for Anna Karenina. Robert Richarson for Django Unchained. Claudio Miranda for Life of Pi. Janusz Kaminski for Lincoln. And Roger Deakins for Skyfall. Cinematographic!
And the winner was:
Claudio Miranda for Life of Pi!
Best Visual Effects
AVENGERS REMAIN! Iron Man, Captain America, The Incredible Hulk, Hawkeye, and Nick Fury stayed out there and presented this one, as well, which made sense seeing as they were kind of nominated for Best Visual Effects.. And if they won, you know.. Less walking. The nominees were:
Joe Letteri, Eric Saindon, David Clayton, and R. Christopher White for The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. Bill Westenhofer, Guillaume Rocheron, Erik-Jan de Boer, and Donald R. Elliott for Life of Pi.. Bill Westenhofer, you may remember as the Visual Effects supervisor on The Golden Compass.. What's that? You don't even remember The Golden Compass? Janek Sirrs, Jeff White, Guy Williams, and Dan Sudick for Marvel's The Avengers. Richard Stammers, Trevor Wood, Charley Henley, and Martin Hill for Prometheus. And Cedric Nicolas-Troyan, Philip Brennan, Neil Corbould, and Michael Dawson for Snow White and the Huntsman.. For using special effects to try to make Kristen Stewart "the fairest of them all."
And after basically sitting through a full movie's worth of credits, the winner was:
All of those people for Life of Pi!
Best Costume Design
To present the award for Best Costume Design, the lovely Jennifer Channiston! The nominees were:
Jacqueline Durran for Anna Karenina.. Which was basically a bunch of dresses with a movie sewn around it. Paco Delgado for Les Misérables. Joanna Johnston for Lincoln.. And presumably nominated for her strength in resisting the urge to give Lincoln an Oddjob hat so he could destroy slavery with his killer accurate throwing capabilities. Eiko Ishioka for Mirror Mirror. And Colleen Atwood for Snow White and the Huntsman.. My God. If Snow White is the fairest in the land.. Which Snow White do they mean?!
And the winner was:
Jacqueline Durran for Anna Karenina!
Best Hair and Make Up
To present the award for Best Hair and Make Up, the fabulous Channing Anistatum! The nominees were:
Howard Berger, Peter Montagna, and Martin Samuel for Hitchcock.. Bold visions for the team on making Anthony Hopkins look like a cross between Alfred Hitchcock and a hotdog. Peter Swords King, Rick Findlater, and Tami Lane for The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.. Peter Swords King, also nominated for Most Appropriately Named Crewmember of Any Movie Anyone's Ever Worked on Ever. And Lisa Westcott and Julie Dartnell for Les Misérables.. For liberally covering everything in dirt, yet still making everyone so damned pretty.
And the winner was:
Lisa Westcott and Julie Dartnell for Les Misérables!
50 Years of Bond Tribute
We'll now take a break by cutting to Halle Berry (star of probably the worst Bond movie, ever) presenting the Fifty Years of Bond tribute. How do you transition from the worst Bond film into literally anything else? Easy, just have Dame Shirley Bassey (Goldfinger, Diamonds Are Forever, and Moon Raker) bring us back in time singing the Goldfinger theme by using her husky waves of audible nostalgia. And her gold dress. And then I was sure that they were going to slime her Nickelodeon style at the end of the song.. But.. You know.. With liquid gold.
Best Live Action Short Film
Now I know they were just adequately reading from the teleprompter, but Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington presented this award with the look of two people who were seriously banging the ever living balls out of everyone watching the awards program. Using their lustful eyes and breathy words, they also let us know that this is the first year that all of the nominees will be presented on home video! ..er.. DVD.. Or whatever the devil you kids are using at home, nowadays. LaserDiscs? Who knows.. Anyway, the nominees were:
Asad by Bryan Buckley and Mino Jarjoura. Buzkashi Boys by Sam French and Ariel Nasr. Curfew by Shawn Christensen. Death of a Shadow (Dood Van Een Schaduw) by Tom Van Avermaet and Ellen De Waele. And Henry by Yan England (Ironically, he's Canadian).
And the winner was:
Curfew by Sean Christensen!
Best Documentary Short Subject
In a rare moment of humility, Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington also presented Best Documentary Short Subject. I say humility because they were humble enough to step all the way down to the level of Documentary Shorts from their upper echelon of their own Documentary Feature, Django Unchained. The nominees were:
Inocente by Sean Fine and Andrea Nix Fine. King's Point by Sari Gilman and Jedd Wider. Mondays at Racine by Cynthia Wade and Robin Honan (Possible prequel to Tuesday's With Morrie?). Open Heart by Kief Davidson and Cori Shepherd Stern. And Redemption by Jon Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.. I mean.. Jon Alpert and Matthew O'Neill
And the winner was:
Inocente by Sean Fine and Andrea Nix Fine!
Best Documentary Feature
After basically filming a movie akin to a documentary about a fake movie, this is an appropriate award for the next presenter. Presenting Best Documentary Feature: Ben Affleck! Actually.. More like Beard Affleck. The nominees were:
5 Broken Cameras by Emad Burnat and Guy Davidi. The Gatekeepers by Dror Moreh, Philippa Kowarsky, and Estelle Fialon. How to Survive a Plague by David France and Howard Gertler. The Invisible War by Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering. And Searching for Sugar Man by Malik Bendjelloul and Simon Chinn.
And the winner was:
Searching for Sugar Man by Malik Bendjelloul and Simon Chinn!
Best Foreign Language Film
Like a page out of Glee (or any teenaged melo-dramedy on TV), the Academy threw some darts at a board full of actors names and came up with chiseled-from-granite Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain and her chiseled-from-clouds breasts. Exactly neither one tried to be funny. Just like me in these previous sentences. In plain English, these two American, white-as-hell actresses presented the Best Foreign Language Film. The nominees were:
The hardest movie to watch that you'll ever love, Amour by Michael Haneke from Austria. Kon-Tiki by Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg from Norway. No by Pablo Larraín from Chile (Possible sequel, Yes?). A Royal Affair by Nikolaj Arcel from Denmark. And War Witch by Kim Nguyen from Canada.. Three things Canada does best: War, Witches, and French-Vietnamese filmmakers!*
*citation needed
And the winner was:
Amour by Michael Haneke!
Tribute to Musicals!
Let's take another break! Now presenting, a fairly thin-ish John Travolta saying names funny! Actually, for all I know, he may be saying them correctly. But if they're right, I wish they were wrong! John Travolta, by the way, putting all rumors to rest about his recent questionable sexuality by introducing the Oscars' tribute to musicals. The tribute began with Catherine Zeta-Jones totally lip syncing her way through "All That Jazz" from Chicago. (You know, that movie she was in based on that play that almost no one who liked the movie knew existed.) Then, Jennifer Hudson (looking fooiiine) literally (figuratively) ate everyone in the audience's happy thoughts by singing "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls. And lastly, the cast of Les Mis sprayed itself all over the stage, audience, home-viewers living rooms, and the ears of everyone who didn't bother going to the theater to see it. And I fucking loved it.
Best Sound Mixing
Seth MacFarlane introduced himself and Mark Wahlberg! That's fun. And then someone spent probably five grand animating Ted (from the movie Ted) so he could present the award for sound, rather than visual effects because.. You know.. That makes sense for this award presentation. The nominees were:
John Reitz, Gregg Rudloff, and Jose Antonio Garcia for Argo. Ron Bartlett, D.M. Hemphill, and Drew Kunin for Life of Pi. Andy Nelson, Mark Paterson, and Simon Hayes for Les Misérables. Andy Nelson, Gary Rydstrom, and Ronald Judkins for Lincoln. So, I guess Andy Nelson is in this to fucking win this. And Scott Millan, Greg P. Russell, and Stuart Wilson for Skyfall.
And the winner was:
Les Misérables! I mean Andy Nelson for Les Misérables!
Best Sound Editing
Every time Mark Wahlberg does anything, I can't help but think of him trying to hang out with animals. AND NOW HE IS!!! The nominees for Sound Editing were:
Erik Aadahl and Ethan Van der Ryn for Argo. Wylie Stateman for Django Unchained. Eugene Gearty and Philip Stockton for Life of Pi. Per Hallberg and Karen Baker Landers for Skyfall. And Paul N.J. "Ohs Tees and Esses" Ottosson for Zero Dark Thirty.
And the winner was:
A FUCKING TIE!
Per Hallberg and Karen Baker Landers for Skyfall and Paul N.J. Ottosson for Zero Dark Thirty!
Best Supporting Actress
Sweet! They got Christopher Plummer to read us all a bed time story!!! KEEP SAYING THINGS! He also gave out the award for Best Supporting Actress.. Which usually goes to the person who didn't quite *star* in the movie they were in, but managed to completely outshine everyone, including the lead actress/actor *in* said movie. The nominees were:
Amy Adams for The Master. Sally Field for Lincoln. Anne Hathaway for Les Misérables (and her nipples, apparently). Helen Hunt for The Sessions. And Jacki Weaver for Silver Linings Playbook.
And the winner was:
Anne Hathaway! (duh.)
Best Film Editing
Sandra Bullock aggressively presented the award for Best Film Editing to one of the following film editing people.. Persons? The nominees were:
William Goldenberg for Argo. Michael Kahn for Lincoln. Jay Cassidy and Crispin Struthers for Silver Linings Playbook. And Dylan Tichenor and Willen Goldenberg for Zero Dark Thirty. William Goldenberg is like the Andy Nelson of film editors, apparently.
The winner was:
William Goldenberg for Argo!
Adele!
Just when you thought that you escaped the viral marketing campaign, the regular marketing campaign, the subliminal marketing campaign, and everyone who couldn't stop talking about it, Skyfall the movie got a few Oscar nominations.. Oh, and then Jennifer Lawrence took a break from being everyone's fantasy BFF to introduce Adele singing a cover of her song, "Skyfall". Dressed like an astronomer's wet dream, Adele emoted, doing her best Lana Del Rey impression in front of a sixty foot re-enactment of the opening credits of James Bond 23: The Great Valley Adventure. But I'll be honest, Adele pretty much killed it.
Best Production Design
Presenting the award for Best Production Design, Daniel Radcliffe came out shining and had an air of suaveness about him. Kristen Stewart came out, begrudgingly spoke through her teeth and looked like Daniel Radcliffe sucked all of the class out of her hair. Actually, that's a bit harsh.. I apologize. Apparently, Kristen Stewart showed up with an injured foot and was on crutches most of the night. However, that may explain why she had about 150,000% more emotion than usual! In any case, the nominees were:
Sarah Greenwood and Katie Spencer for Anna Karenina. Dan Hannah, Ra "The Sun God" Vincent, and Simon Bright for The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. Eve Stewart and Anna Lynch-Robinson for Les Misérables. And Rick Carter and Jim Erickson for Lincoln.
The winner was:
Rick Carter and Jim Erickson for Lincoln!
In Memoriam
George Clooney, putting Sean Connery's beard to shame, presented this year's In Memoriam. Those honored and remembered were Ernest "The Borg" Borgnine, Ray "I Am Science Fiction" Bradbury, Michael Clarke "The Human Teddy Bear" Duncan, Charles Durning, Nora Ephron, Marvin Hamlisch, Tony Scott, MCA himself: Adam Yauch.. Also, Geoffrey G. Ammer, Richard Rodney Bennett, George Bowers, Hal David, Jake Eberts, Stephen Frankfurt, Ulu Grosbard, Tonino Guerra, Celeste Holm, Michael Hopkins, Eiko Ishioka, Erland Josephson, Jack Klugman, Michael Kohut, Herbert Lom, John D. Lowry, Chris Marker, Ralph McQuarrie, Frank Pierson, Carlo Rambaldi, J. Michael Riva, Richard Robbins, Charles Rosen, Andrew Sarris, Harris Savides, Robert B. Sherman, Lois W. Smith, Theodore Soderberg, Bruce Surtees, Neil Travis, Charles C. Washburn, Matthew Yuricich, and Richard D. Zanuck. Then, in honor of Marvin Hamlisch (an older Christopher Mintz-Plasse, if you will), Barbra Streisand played us out to the tune of "The Way We Were" to remind us of they way those people were.
There were some notable snubs, however. Like Andy Griffith, Larry Hagman, Donna Summer, Gore Vidal.. No to mention Harry Carey, Jr., Ann Rutherford, David R. Ellis, Nagisa Oshima, Alex Karras, Mel Stuart, Susan Tyrrell, and Joyce Redman. The Oscars' website even had to put an addendum on their website to make up for being dicks to some pretty cool people. ..who probably don't really care that they were snubbed, because.. You know.. They're dead.
Alrighty, into the final stretch.. Here come the awards you probably skipped ahead to!
Best Original Score
Remember Chicago? The year was 2002.. The cast was full of fresh faces like Renée Zellweger, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Taye Diggs.. And not so fresh faces (but faces nonetheless) like Richard Gere, Queen Latifah, John C. Reilly, Christine Baranski! Who better to present the musical section than the cast of a ten year old musical (celebrating their 10 year anniversary)! The nominees were:
Dario Marianelli for Anna Karenina. Alexandre Desplat for Argo. Mychael Danna for Life of Pi. John Williams for everything he's ever done.. But this year, it's Lincoln. And Thomas Newman for Skyfall.
And the winner was:
Mychael Danna for Life of Pi!
Norah Jones
We'll take a short break before announcing the nominees and winner of Best Original Song by giving you a performance of one of the nominees from Best Original Song! A piano-less Norah Jones sang, quite beautifully, her song "Everybody Needs a Best Friend" from the movie Ted, to the tune of not-knowing-what-to-do-with-her-body.
Best Original Song
Continuing the grand tradition of doubling up award presentations.. Chicagoland stuck it out and delivered on Best Original Song, as well. No sour grapes here, though, considering they didn't win the year that they were nominated. (sad face) The nominees were:
"Before My Time" from Chasing Ice by J. Ralph.. Which is a song sung by Scarlett Johansson about glaciers. Seriously. "Everybody Needs a Friend" from Ted by Seth MacFarlane and Walter Murphy. "Pi's Lullaby" from Life of Pi by Mychael Danna and Bombay Jayashri. "Skyfall" from Skyfall by Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth. And "Suddenly" from Les Misérables by Claude-Michel Schönberg, Herbert Kretzmer, and Alain Boublil.. Because nothing says Original Song like just randomly adding a new song to a 33 year old story.
And the winner was:
"Skyfall" from Skyfall by Adele and Paul Epworth!
Best Adapted Screenplay
Now, when adapting a screenplay, you must remember that it's usually written by someone who puts months-- sometimes decades-- into a story, only to have someone come along, buy the rights to the story, and then piss quite literally (figuratively) on it. Sometimes the screenwriter is pretty direct with their translation.. But, usually there's a lot of piss. The nominees were:
Argo for Chris Terrio's adaptation of The Master of Disguise by Antonio J. Mendez and Joshuah Bearman's article in Wired Magazine called How the CIA Used a Fake Sci-Fi Flick to Rescue Americans From Tehran. Beasts of the Southern Wild for Lucy Alibar and Benh Zeitlin's adaptation of Lucy's own book Juicy and Delicious. Life of Pi for David Magee's adaptation of Life of Pi by Yann Martel. Lincoln for Tony Kushner's adaptation of the (I'm absolutely positive) rousing Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln by Doris Kearns Goodwin. And Silver Linings Playbook for David O. Russell's very unique vision of The Silver Linings Playbook by Matthew Quick.
And the winner was:
Chris Terrio's mash-up for Argo!
Best Original Screenplay
Charlize Theron and Dustin Hoffman presented Adapted Screenplay and stayed on stage for Original Screenplay as well.. Side note: Am I the only one who thought it a bit weird that the Academy tried (by making Dustin Hoffman stand next to a tall short-haired blonde woman) to force us all to remember way back when Brigitte Nielsen used to stand next to normal sized people? I digress. The nominees were:
Amour by Michael Haneke. Django Unchained by Quentin Tarantino for being blow-your-dick-clean-off-in-a-good-way amazing. Flight by John Gatins.. I assume for his clever writing and *almost* making Denzel Washington unlikable.. Almost. Moonrise Kingdom by Wes Anderson and Roman Coppola. And Zero Dark Thirty by Mark Boal.. And probably, everyone who wrote every random ass, non-redacted document they stole away to write this flick.
And the winner was:
Django Unchained by Quentin Tarantino!
Best Director
Nearly bringing it home, Barbarella (Jane Fonda) dressed like she just came from the set of Dynasty.. And 1990s' film go-to "What not to do in a relationship" Lothario,Michael Douglas, present the Best Director award! The nominees were:
Michael Haneke for Amour. Ang "The Jackie Robinson of Asian Directors at the Academy Awards" Lee for Life of Pi. David O. Russell for Silver Linings Playbook. Steven Spielberg for Lincoln.. Probably won't win, though, because I hear there are zero aliens or anima-tronic dinosaurs. And Benh Zeitlin for Beasts of the Southern Wild.
And the winner was:
Ang Lee for Life of Pi!
Best Actress
Jean Dujardin, last year's best actor for The Artist, came out with his voice a-blazing. Turns out that this guy can actually talk!! I was shocked! I thought the only reason The Artist was a silent film was because they managed to find a bunch of mute actors who were really good at emoting! I thought the only reason John Goodman and James Cromwell were in it was because they got in a graphic Voice Box Fight.. Which is totally a thing. Turns out: Fuck me, I guess. Anyway.. The nominees were:
Jessica Chastain as Maya, the woman who personally shot and killed and skinned and ate Osama bin Laden in Zero Dark Thirty. Jennifer Lawrence as Tiffany Maxwell.. Who was more like Tiffany Max-UNwell in Silver Linings Playbook. Emmanuelle Riva, the 86 year old, oldest actress ever to be nominated for Best Actress as Anne Laurent, from Amour, that movie that you shouldn't watch if you are feeling even slightly suicidal.. Or sad.. Or, even if you're just in an all-right mood. Quvenzhané Wallis, the 9 year old, youngest actress ever to be nominated for Best Actress as Hushpuppy in Beasts of the Southern Wild. And Naomi Watts as Maria Bennett, the steadfast, hard-as-steel balls of a mother of an English family caught in the devastating 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, who Reese Witherspoon is obsessed with in The Impossible.
And the winner was:
Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook!
Best Actor
BALLS! Someone brought Margaret Thatcher back to life as a zombie, and not one person in the entire audience is freaking out nearly half as much as I am-- And I just realized that is actually Meryl Streep and never mind anything I just said. Apparently, she won Best Actress last year for *portraying* Margaret Thatcher. Weird. Oh well.. The nominees for Best Actor were:
Bradley Cooper as Patrick Solitano, Jennifer Lawrence's foil in Silver Linings Playbook. Daniel Day-Lewis as Babe-raham Lincoln in Lincoln. Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean, the man so nice they named him twice.. And then (SPOILER ALERT) over-reacted and arrested him for stealing bread and forced him into hard labor and turned him into an escaped convict and slowly hunted him down and murdered him with stress in Les Misérables . Joaquin Phoenix as Joaquin Phoenix portraying Freddie Quell in The Master. And Denzel Washington as Whip Whitaker, the pluckily named self-abusing alcoholic from Flight.
And the winner was:
Meryl Streep was so unimpressingly surprised that it was..
Daniel Day-Lewis as Abraham Lincoln from Lincoln!
And last, but certainly not least.. But certainly last:
Best Picture
Presenting the presenter of re-presenting the presenter for Best Picture, Hipster Jack Nicholson approached the microphone and lets out a string of "Fuck You" to everyone who presented an award that evening.. Then he introduced First Lady, Bangs Obama. Michelle Obama looked elegant, draped in silver fineness.. Standing in a room full of military whos-its, all standing around pretending to have a dinner party. After a rousing speech about how wholesome Django Unchained was for the youth of the world, she threw it back to Jack. And the nominees were:
Amour, the uncomfortable French film about the boundless limits of love. Argo, the harrowing story of six Americans who had their courage tested by pretending to be Canadian. Beasts of the Southern Wild, the movie that resonated with everyone in the world who is familiar with living in a Louisianan bayou. Django Unchained, the story of one man's struggle to overcome every obstacle in his way to get to the woman he loves.. Also, that movie where they got a bunch of white people to say the N-word.. Like, a whole lot. Les Misérables, the epic tale of a wronged Frenchman who seems to travel with a giant cloud of raining shit at all times. Life of Pi, the beautiful telling of a boy called Pi and his raft full of metaphors. Lincoln, the dramatic re-telling of the final months leading up to the passing of the 13th Amendment to the Constitution.. And subsequent, "dick move" by "that dick" John Wilkes Booth. Silver Linings Playbook, the classic story of boy with bi-polar disorder meets girl with issues and the two fall madly in mutual relationship of convenience until both fall madly in love with each other. And Zero Dark Thirty, the cinematic embodiment of, "Behind every giant fuck of a monstrous man who is a giant dick of a ball-licking asshole, is a woman who is determined to kill that motherfucker.. By half past midnight."
And the winner was:
Argo!
Finale!
Okay.. Maybe it wasn't that bad.. But still! I want to thank everyone for reading this far, *if* you actually read this far. If you didn't, you missed the funniest Oscar coverage that I've ever done in my entire life! And never mind that this was the only time I've ever covered the Oscars.. Shut up. But seriously, THANK YOU! ..and keep coming back for more reviews! As a bonus, here's Daniel Day-Lewis as Margaret Thatcher!