The pReview Re-viewing
Friday Breakdown for
March 1, 2013!
(warning: May not be appropriate for small, suited children..)
Clicking movie posters will open their official websites in a separate window.
by Jeff Finck
Holy eff balls! I'm actually writing this in a kind-of time-appropriate fashion, *before* the movies on Friday actually come out?! I must be one of them Terminator machines sent back from the funky future of tomorrow to rant about movies of inevitable release.. And to kill you all.
I'm just kidding.. If you all died, who would read my blog? It's a well-known fact that 94% of all dead people have serious trouble seeing things. Do NOT ask about the other 6%.. It'll keep you awake at night. Because it's too stupid. And doesn't make any sense. And I'm just going to go ahead and start ranting about the movies coming out tomorrow. And..
Jack the Giant Slayer
For the uninitiated, the stories of Jack come from an old English folktale (Beanstalk) and a Cornish fairy tale (Giant Killer).. Both about a kid named Jack and his obsession with being a complete asshole ALL THE TIME. In the former, he gets some magic beans in exchange for his mother's cow (Because.. Fuck her), and skips home merrily, only to be berated by his mom for being a moron. The beans are thrown out and miraculously grow into a giant stalk that reaches into the clouds. For entirely zero reason, Jack climbs that motherfucker all the way up, discovering a whole world in the clouds. He breaks into a giant's house, cuckolds the giant that lives there, steals every valuable item the giant has, and then kills the giant when he gets too curious as to what has caused his sudden destitution. Then Jack and his mom live well off of their blood money. In Jack the Giant Killer, Jack literally mutilates and slaughters every giant he meets, nabs a bunch of magic stuffs, and then becomes a knight of the Round Table. Because King Arthur is there, too.
This new movie stars Nicholas Coult as Jack and is pretty much a combo deal that falls in between the dickish-ness of the Beanstalk Jack and the maniacal psychopathy of the Giant Killing Jack.. It also benefits from having Ian McShane, Bill Nighy, Stanley Tucci, and Ewan McGregor. And it's grittier.
21 and Over
Graduating from college is the single greatest experience that someone with a Liberal Arts degree who actually might have a future in their selected field of study will ever know.. Aside from actually finding a job in their selected field of study. Well, in this world, Jeff Chang (Justin Chon)-- the guy who the title refers to as being currently "21 and over"-- is actually fifteen steps ahead of the game because he's planning on going to Med School. (Fuck you, Liberal Arts!) Jeff Chang actually leaps twenty steps back, though, because he's best friends with two complete dicks (Skylar Astin and Miles Teller) and he lets them talk him into ruining his entire life in the course of one single evening.
This one's got it all: Christof from The Truman Show, Fox Mulder from The X-Files, Bishop from Aliens, Sully from The Perfect Storm, Swayze's replacement in Road House 2: Last Call! Fucking Powder from Powder! The story follows a loose re-telling of what may or may not have happened during the K-129 incident in 1968. What we want it to be is a submarine movie filled with 90s references!
The Last Exorcism Part II
This film will allegedly take place just after the events of the first one. Judging by the title.. There will probably have to be another exorcism. Possibly the last one.. Possibly..
Final Breakdown: In this week's Final Breakdown.. Sexual innuendos!
Jack the Giant Slayer
More like: Jacked, the Giant Layer
21 and Over
More like: 21 Sluts Come Over
More like: Poon-tom
The Last Exorcism Part Two
More like: The Last Exorcsim Part Sex!