My pReview Re-viewing Blog!

2014 Year in Re-viewing.. Kind of..

1/14/2015

The pReview Re-viewing

2014 Year in Re-viewing!

..kind of..

I'm so far behind writing, it's not even funny. Which is a terrible thing for a blog centered around humor. Seriously, just terrible. In any case, BECAUSE I'm so out of practice and behind.. Let's just get this over with and move onto the new year..

Guardians of the Galaxy wins everything!

    First off, it starts out all Indiana Jones-like, and IMMEDIATELY your nipples are hard for some unexplained reason-- As if they just KNOW what the next two and a half minutes are going to deliver. Then you realize, "Holy fuck, Space Indiana Jones is being played by Andy Dwyer (Chris Pratt)?! How are they gonna turn that lovable goof-ball into an action star? And then your nipples start pulsating, shooting warm feelings into your extremities.

    Then, further confusing your senses-- however still delighting various parts of your body for reasons still unknown-- You notice that the two Nova Corps dudes are Dewey Cox (John C Reilly) and the fucking Peter Serafinowicz show! They get to introduce us to the actual Guardians. We got a pretty standard brute enforcer named Drax (Bautista), then your standard femme fatale green alien assassin lady called Gamora (Zoe Saldana), then.. Is that a fucking raccoon?! I think it is. A talking raccoon voiced by Bradley Cooper. All right, sure, why not? (by the way, somehow, your genitals are warming up at this point) Now we have a giant ass tree person?!! No way. And he only says three words? Next you're going to tell me they got a big named actor to-- It's Vin Diesel. Okay. AND WHY THE HELL AM I FULLY ERECT?!?!

    And finally, it all ties together with the most perfect placement of a song in a trailer that I've seen in a long time. Hooked on a Feeling starts brokenly playing over a ton of quick action shots, culminating in full release at the end in a telling hint as to how this whole movie is going to play out: A fucking fantastically fun space adventure full of aliens, explosions and attractive movie stars. Oh, and a kick ass soundtrack.

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UPDATE!!! (kind of..)

1/1/2015

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Fear not, citizens-who-read-this-blog! All both of you should know that I have not abandoned these wildly entertaining and, altogether, immodestly amazing posts about movie trailers. I have just had an insane month of not being able to write. I plan on-- in the next month or so-- having at least two trailer reviews AND my classic (TWO YEARS RUNNING!) Year End Review on pReviews. Stay Tuned and all apologies for the absence.

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The pReview Re-viewing of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

11/25/2014

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The pReview Re-viewing of..

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1!

Click the poster for the Official Website!

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)

(warning: new addendum for the definition of Trilogy-- A four-part cash-grab series or group of three movies that, although Part One and Two are individually complete, it is necessary for Part Three to be halved because.. Money.)

by Jeff Finck
written: 11/19/2014

Release Date: November 21, 2014

We've come a long way since the initial cinematic release of that book series that, whenever brought up, people say is exactly like that thing and those other things and that stuff that isn't either of those previous things. Just a quick recap: It's the future.. I think. In the future, no one knows how to dress or name themselves. Also, almost all of the rich people live in a place called the Capitol. The Capitol is basically a massive city in the middle of thirte-- I mean TWELVE districts-- that make up the entire planet of North America.

No other place is mentioned, I don't think.. So, America finally achieved its goal of "Biggest Dick". (read: Florida)

Roughly seventy five years ago, the rabble from the (then) thirteen districts decided to rise up and call the oppressive dicks in the Capitol out on their oppressive dickishness. The story goes that the rebellion was shut down with extreme prejudice and then, in a display of oppressive dick flexing (I swear that's the last time I mention dicks), the Capitol completely obliterated District 13. In retaliation for the gall that the oppressed people had for speaking up, the Capitol decided to hold a competition every year called the Hunger Games. (He said the name of the movie!)

Unfortunately, the Hunger Games aren't just characters from the movie losing eating competitions to Kobayashi.

The Hunger Games is actually a barbaric televised event, in which two kids from every district are handed a bunch of medieval weaponry and told to murder each other.. Or else they'll be.. Murdered? I guess? In the first flick, a young woman called Katniss Everdeen (See?! I told you they don't know how to name themselves!) and absolutely no one else of any importance all compete in the broadcasted child murder-fest. As luck would have it, that young woman (played by Jennifer Lawrence) would actually be pretty ace at killing off the competition.. Or hiding from them.. Either way. Somehow, though, the other kid from her district, Peeta Mellark (Josh Hutcherson), also manages to survive using skills like: being so short that no one notices him, being pretty useless at stuff, cake decorating (seriously), and pretty much just knowing Katniss.

There he is, STANDING on the far right. He's just a sixteen year old boy trying his best.

In any case, they both manage to survive the Games with the help of both a human-cake person called Effie Trinket (Elizabeth Banks) and past District 12 winner, a feather-haired alcoholic called Haymitch Abernathy (Woody Harrelson). Team Keetniss managed to convince the world that Katniss and Peeta are in love in order to gain public favor (even though, Katniss may or may not actually be in love with someone else actually called "Gale"). This, of course, comes into play after everyone else is dead except Kat and Peet. Turns out, if they don't both survive, then they both won't survive. I worded that correctly, by the way. They threaten to kill themselves if they're forced to have to kill themselves. In the second movie, a year after Katta and Peetniss show the government up by being he first ever dual-winners of the Battle Reap-ale, these two are still milking that love train and President Snow (Donald Sutherland) decides, "fuck these fucks" and targets them for the next Games using good old fashioned American politics. So, you know.. Corruption and douchebaggery.

"I'm Francis Underwood and I approve this message."

And so it comes to be, in the 75th Hunger Games-- also known as the Quarter Quell (because Q words don't get used enough and besides, hey.. Alliteration!)-- Katniss and Peeta are sent back in for their second consecutive year. Little does President Snow know, though (I swear that was on accident), a much deeper plot is underway. While President Snow is trying simply to get Katniss killed using murder disguised as exactly how the Hunger Games work (read: murder), his second in command, Plutarch Heavensbee (Philip Seymour Hoffman), is trying to get Katniss NOT killed. And wreck the Games. And go overthrow President Snow (okay, that was on purpose).

I had that coming.

The 75th Games do actually fall apart, but only after a series of absolutely ludicrous events involving unlikely allies in the murder pits, outrunning acid fog by using old women as decoys, escaping being beaten off by super-powered monkeys, somehow discovering that the arena is a giant clock, and shooting a perfectly timed arrow containing electricity at the force field of the arena, which is actually emitting said electricity. Throw in some zombies that look like James Carville, and you got yourself convolution not seen since a Resident Evil video game.

Gnnnnyah!!!!

Wow.. This set up took forever. (note to self: Stop doing sequels and remake re-viewings.) But I think we're caught up now.. Probably. I'm sure there's someone out there nitpicking everything I said for continuity, clarity, and correctness, but I'm moving on, anyway! As the second film ends, we see that Katniss has been rescued by her old friends Haymitch Abernathy and Gale Hawthorne (Liam Hemsworth), as well as a couple of her Games survivors (although, noticeably, no Peeta).. Also: Plutarch Heavensbee, himself! (I think you have to say the whole thing.. Like how you have to actually call the restaurant "Plutarch Applebees" if you ever want to be taken seriously when ordering your food there.)

If you order the pasta here, seriously, may the odds be ever in your colon's favor.

The trailer for the latest outing starts off with a face to screen-face between Katniss and President Snow. Katniss just wants him to know that she didn't want any of what's been happening. But come on, who doesn't want to have to volunteer in place of their sister who was supposed to compete in the 74th Slaughter Games, then be paired up with someone you ended up becoming friends with, then winning said Games with that person, then becoming the face of the common people and earning the enmity of the State, only to have them underhandedly send you back into the 75th Hunger Games, where you still survived against all odds and then broke their toys? Really? She didn't want ANY of that!? That's, like, the dream! Anyway, President Snow ignores her blatant lies and tells Katniss Von D that she shouldn't love things like her sister or her friends or anything, really. It's the things we love that destroy us.

Like, I LOVE putting my head on other people's bodies. There's no way that will ever come back and bite me.

But the trailer lets us know that Katniss is not alone. The AvHungers have assembled. We got Katniss and her arrows, again. That kooky weirdo obsessed with electronics is back. Plutarch Lazenby and Gale Heironymous Hawthorne are there with a new possible ally, Julianne Greylady. Even Effie shows back up, muted and toned down, looking like Glenn Shadix from Demolition Man's sister.

Be well, Effie Trinket. (Dammit, now I want a Hunger Games, Demolition Man crossover.) (RIP you bautiful bastard)

The point is, the revolution has begun and all the players are in place. Even the random gun fodder, symbolically dying in the rain. (Actually, there's lots of symbolism in this movie series.) The government has one player hidden firmly in President Snow's eyebrows, though: Peeta. Whaaaaaaaa?! You ask, exasperated from too much reading. Yep. The one and only Peeta, Peeta, Wishes-He-Could-Eat-Pumpkins-but-Can't-Because-of-All-the-Mass-Starvation. He urges the rebellion to, like, totes cool it. For cereal. Katniss doesn't buy Peeta's new State-sanctioned outlook on life and demands that Peeta is rescued, much the way he always needs to be. She demands that this be a priority, or else they'll need to find a new Katniss Everneedy.

Actually, this chick looks pretty cool. See ya, Katniss!

Just kidding. They clearly aren't getting rid of Katniss any time soon. I mean, really.. Like, everyone in this series has tried in some form or another to put this lady down and nothing works. She's like the Terminator of women.. And there have already been women Terminators! The rest of the trailer is filled with that emotional junk that's riddled with symbolism (I mean, seriously, literal flood gates of revolution?), and ends in a bangsplosion of a Katniss/Gale arrow team-up.

Seriously, all the Capitol's playing God and no one has tried this, yet?!

I usually use the last paragraph as some sort of stat block filled with relevant data with a call to action demanding people see this film in theaters.. But I'm going to save all of that for next year. Just make sure you stay tuned for..

I'm 100% sure that doesn't make sense.. But basically, stay tuned for Part Two of this last paragraph, next year.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1 (2014) poster, traile and screen shots courtesy of Lionsgate
America courtesy of entreprenurial hubris.
Kobayashi image taken from Wikipedia, credited to Nathan, 5 août 2006. sur Flickr Page de l'image originale
Saturday Night Live (2013) screen shot courtesy of NBC
House of Cards (2013) screen shot courtesy of Netflix
My handsome face courtesy of my wonderful parents!
Resident Evil zombie and James Carville courtesy of science!
Applebee's logo courtesy of Applebee's International, Inc.
Demolition Man (1993) screen shot courtesy of Warner Bros.
All credited images found on Google searches.

Did you like what you read? Follow me on Twitter and send me messages and tell me things!
@paintmyart

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The pReview Re-viewing of Big Hero 6

11/4/2014

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The pReview Re-viewing of..

Big Hero 6!

Click the poster for the Official Website!

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)

(warning: There are no Big Heroes one through five. Also, there IS strong language.)

by Jeff Finck
written: October 31, 2014

Release Date: November 7, 2014

First of all, if you are unaware of what Marvel Comics has been doing to the entertainment industry over the past six years, (just a taste) you are willingly ruining your own sense of cinematic adventure and fun. Not to mention, they also just announced the final pieces of their massive story, slated to continue for another five years! And that's just the live-action side of things. Now that Disney owns Marvel, it was only a matter of time before they started snatching up the lesser known series and turning them into kid-friendly, identifiable cash beasts.. Marvel, seriously, can't fail. Really, no one has put together a more bankable team of teenagers with attitude since Max Headroom and Paulie's robot from Rocky outsourced fighting evil.

Go! Go! Moneymakers!

For the purposes of time, I'm going to try and just treat this as a brand new entity, instead of the sixteen year old, established series that it is. And so, the trailer plops us straight into the future mash-up city of San Fransokyo. I assume, because.. You know.. In order to keep China from owning the United States, we'll need to eventually team up with Japan in order to use their crime-against-nature Kaiju tentacle fuck-monsters to battle the lawyers China hires to rightfully get the money back that we owe them.

Just know that this picture is so much worse than what you're imagining.

At night, in the seedy underbelly of San Fransokyo, there exists a world beyond the glimmering, flashy shell that humanity calls existence. This world? Underground Robot Fight Club! Their king? Fourteen year-old Hiro Hamada (Ryan Potter) and his six-way butt plug robot fighter of death.

Seriously, he's only slightly less suggestive than a Yo Gabba Gabba! character.

At night, the people frolic and distract themselves with frivolity. However, during the part of the day that sucks because there's sun everywhere (ugh), Sgt. KabukiMan fucks shit up with nanobots and silence. Oddly enough, his flagrant disregard for the city seems to be directed entirely at children. This guy is kind of a dick. Unfortunately for him, one of those children (Big Hiro sics.. Robots on your ass) has a giant balloon robot called Baymax (voiced by Scott Adsit). Unfortunately for Hiro, his big ass robot looks like an obese clown tried to clone himself with balloons.

Like this. Except, my God.. Nothing like this.

It turns out that Hiro inherited Baymax from his older brother, who is.. Not.. Around.. Anymore? I guess? Who knows? The bottom line, here, is that Hiro and Baymax are best friends and they're going to recruit some teenaged nerdy archetypes to help take down their silent, be-masked antagonist. Which is totally, probably not a metaphor.

It's a metaphor.

Let's see, we have GoGo Tomago (Jamie Chung): The tough as nails, alt-chick who chucks discs around with her disc hands and rides around on disc feet and, actually, kind of looks like a punk rock version of those gangly Wheeler fucks from Return to Oz.

How many nightmares have YOU had being chased by these dicks?

Then, there's Wasabi-No-Ginger (Damon Wayans, Jr.). Wasabi is the voice of reason throughout the trailer, really highlighting the fact that his teammates are insane people who believe they're invincible, while he is more practical and would like to not become a dead person. He's basically the team's African American Shaggy Rogers.. If Shaggy had cool-as-peaches energy blades, was made of 300 pounds of muscle, and wasn't a complete coward.

This only seems racist if you're a racist.

Next, we have the mad scientist of the team: Honey Lemon (Génesis Rodríguez). You can tell that she's the mad scientist because she wears glasses and lab things explode in her face. If that doesn't say "SCIENCE", then I don't even know what could. She also has a Mary Poppins purse that gives her a neverending supply of oranges.. Or something. And Mary Poppins doesn't have that!

But what Mary Poppins does have, is scurvy.

Last up, we have Fred (TJ Miller). He seems pretty unremarkable, actually. Aside from his penchant for dressing in weird monster costumes and having the comedic timing of a young TJ Miller, I'm not sure what he'll bring to the team. The comics claim that he can project a red Godzilla (so as not to attract lawsuits from green Godzilla, I assume), but the closest I saw in the preview to him doing that was when he didn't do anything like that.. Soooo..

Go Fred!

After the team is ready to take the fight to the big bad (Yokai), Baymax needs to become battle-ready, due to his inability to appear threatening, his inability to ignore butterflies, and his inability to know how stairs work. Hiro decks him out in carbon fiber armor and underwear (for as to make them children-people laugh), paints that bitch murder red and gives the balloon robot afterburners and wings. It's like if Iron Man was a bubble monster. Baymax then spends the rest of the trailer being the only one on the team being awesome. He even takes five minutes out of his day to try and give Hiro a heart attack, while simultaneously air-bagging (it's like tea-bagging, except, in the air) the Golden Gate Bridge. He even finds time to make a small child rethink his entire Buzz Lightyear obsession.

Fuck a space-ass Lightyear.

So, the creators of Frozen and Wreck-It Ralph have another insanely appealing animated feature under their belt, whoop-dee-doo. Who cares? Am I right? Actually, I'm kidding.. This looks fucking awesome! This is an interesting take on the whole, kind-of-dramatic comic book version full of darker, underlying familial subplots and espionage-laden story arcs. This is lighter. It's more fun! Plus, I haven't seen this much potential merchandising from one company since..

Oh yeah.. Nevermind.

Big Hero 6 (2014) poster, trailer, and screen shots courtesy of Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1993) screen shot courtesy of Saban Entertainment
Yo Gabba Gabba! (2007) screen shot courtesy of Nick Jr.
Spawn (1997) screen shot courtesy of New Line Cinema
What's Happening to My Body? (2007) book cover courtesy of William Morrow Paperbacks
Return to Oz (1985) and Mary Poppins (1964) screen shots courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures
Shaggy Rogers courtesy of sooooooo much pot.
Original Drawing of Baymax and Buzz Lightyear by me, courtesy of five minutes of scribbling
Disney merch courtesy of incredibly intelligent decisions and excellent business acumen
All credited images found on Google Image searches except otherwise noted

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The pReview Re-viewing of Fury

10/15/2014

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The pReview Re-viewing of..

Fury!

Click the poster for the Official Website!

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)

(warning: No Shia LaBeoufs were harmed in the making of this entry.)

by Jeff Finck
written: 10/11/2014

Release Date: October 17, 2014

After Steven Spielberg changed everything that a war movie could be with Saving Private Ryan, there have been many attempts to recapture that greatness. In fact, here we are, SIXTEEN years later, and, in my opinion, no one's been able to do it as well as he did. That's all about to change, though.. Because now: We have fuckin' tanks. Bad ass, Fast and the Furious tanks!

I live my life a quarter of a 75 mm M3 shell at a time.

So, the trailer takes us back in time to the European Theater-- And even though that sounds regal and classy as fuck, it's actually a murder hellhole that cost the entire WORLD about 4% of its population. So.. You know.. Not regal. Or classy. And, actually, kind of insanely awful. But, in order to take our minds off of things, Tyler Durden peps everyone up with one of his famous motivational speeches: "If you think it can't get worse, it can.. And it will."

"And if this is your first night in Tank Club.. You HAVE to tank."

Actually, what Aldo Raine is trying to do is to steel us against the very real possibility that war, just may be, Hell. Luckily for the men under his command, he's charged himself with keeping them alive. All of them.

Even Shia LaBeouf's mustache.

The military, apparently, decides that Detective David Mills needs an assistant tank driver. As such, they toss some fresh-faced, no tank-training having, young kid into the lion's den. The Lion's Den, of course, is what I assume Brad Pitt calls the inside of his tank. Not because it sounds cool, but because, in between battles, he stores lions inside of his tank.

"If this is your first night in the Lion's Den.. You HAVE to bang a lion."

We find out that Brad Pitt's character (who is actually called "Wardaddy" Collier) has been killing the Fascist dicks off of Nazis all the way from Africa to Germany with his crew. In the closing stages of the war, however, he must kill the dicks off of just one more batch of Nazzies. And, in order to stop this pivotal force of Nazi fuckheads, the crew of the Fury needs to adopt their new recruit and-- Against all odds-- become a family.

Sha-la-la-laaaaa.

Wardaddy tells the new guy that he wouldn't ask him to do anything that he hasn't done himself-- Which, I can only assume, leads to him immediately asking the new guy to command his men in battle so that he can take a much needed Nazi dick-killing vacation. Probably. Probably not, though, because the trailer instead shows us Wardaddy closing up the hatch and driving cannon-first into war and then forcing the stupid rookie into shooting some damn Nazis, Battle Tank-style!

Ugh. Hitler is the worst. He can eat a cannon shaped dick. Douche bag.

As these young gentlemen try to survive history, we get to take a peek into the things that motivate them: Pretty women, war horses, fear.. $1.35 a day! Hell, for a buck thirty five, they could all just buy their OWN tank with those wages! They may all need their own tanks, though, because we find out that these mere five war heroes are up against three hundred potential members of Hydra.

They better start figuring out what meal they're going to eat in Hell.

If nothing else, this movie's final showdown is going to be balls-exploding spectacular. Even if you don't have balls. You are going to grow balls.. And then, they will explode. I mean, come on.. TANK BATTLE! I'm extra excited, too, because there just aren't a whole lot of tank movies, you know? Certainly no new ones. (Sahara with Bogey.. And, I guess, Tank with James Garner?) The new generation, after seeing air and land views, will finally have a new perspective of WWII. Not only can I not wait to see this, I also can't wait until Hollywood finally makes a movie about that one cat that refused to die at sea.

I assume the entire original cast returns completely un-aged.

Fury (2014) poster, trailer, and screen shots courtesy of Columbia Pictures
The Fast and the Furious (2001) scren shot courtesy of Universal Pictures
Tyler Durden courtesy of Jack's inability to cope with life.
Family Ties (1984) cast photo courtesy of NBC
Battle Tank (1990) screen shot courtesy of Absolute Entertainment and Imagineering
Chaingun Hitler from Wolfenstein 3D (1992) courtesy of id Software, 3D Realms, and Bethesda Softworks
300 (2007) screen shot courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
That Darn Cat (1997) poster courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures and Buena Vista Pictures
Pacific Battle Sea War World WW2 found on WindowsACC
Tank Girl (1995) image courtesy of United Artists
All credited images found on Google image searches

POORLY DESIGNED TANK GIRL SUPPLEMENT!

"Look, it's been swell, but the swelling's gone down."

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YOU DECIDE!

9/7/2014

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There are only a select few more movies coming out this year that I actually want to do full trailer reviews for, however, this isn't just a one way street. Sure, I can just pretend people don't read this and keep on screaming into the cat, dick and fart ether that is the internet, but what fun is that?!

If you have a particular movie (past or present) that you want me to dissect, leave me a comment below, send me an e-mail, call me, or FaceTweet me! Pretty sure that's the same company, right? People Facetweet, right? Yeah, they do.

In any case, send me suggestions and I'll try to make it happen!

THE POWER IS YOURS!

e-mail: [email protected]

twitter: @paintmyart

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The pReview retRo Re-viewing of Ghostbusters!

8/29/2014

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The pReview retRo Re-viewing of..

Ghostbusters!

Click the poster for the Official Website!

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)

(warning: There's a rumor that David Bowie resurrected Ziggy Stardust to play the main bad guy in this!)

by Jeff Finck
written: 8/28/2014

Release Date: June 8, 1984 (also, August 29, 2014)

So, Carl Spackler from Caddyshack, Elwood Blues, the goofy guy from Stripes, Half Dead from Penitentiary II, and Ellen Ripley all team up to fight ghosts, eh? Next thing you'll tell me is that Conan the Barbarian, Rocky, one of the Kids from Shaolin, and King of the fucking Gypsies Eric Roberts will all be in a movie together, some day. Actually, that would be pretty wicked. Sorry, got side tracked, there.. We're here to talk about four adult men who bust ghosts. And it takes place in NYC! Though, if someone did make a list of cities that probably have some spirits with major attitude problems, New York City is more than likely the one aggressively urinating all over said list.

For a brief time in 1981, NYC's motto was, "Yeah we got a ghost problem.. Wanna fight about it?"

The trailer starts in the dark stacks of a library-- And I'm already terrified because I fear intelligence and the mere mention of learning spreads fear throughout my testicles. But I digress.. The librarian unwittingly goes about her librarian ways: Putting up books, possessing knowledge of the alphabet, being intimately familiar with whoever the fuck Dewey and his Decimal System is. Unfortunately for this lady, some ectoplasmic a-hole is making a mess of her libraristic toil and scares this poor woman into hiring three young men wearing pajamas who drive a car that looks like an ambulance and a hearse got a little too drunk at a Christmas party and banged it out in a fire station.

But they made one sexy baby. Mmm-MMM!

The Ghostbusters-- made up of one Dr. Pierre Vank-Man (Bill Murray), Roy Stansbury (Dan Aykroyd), and Egghead Spinster (Harold Ramis)-- then arrive at some fancy shmancy hotel to loudly, and very publicly, hunt down a ghost. They first track down and subdue the haunted chambermaid's cart. They blast the living balls out of it with their nuclear powered laser guns. And good thing, too.. I swear, that cart was just seconds away from possessing that woman and causing her to continue being a chambermaid for the rest of her life.

But thanks to the Ghostbusters, she's free to quit her job and sue the Ghostbusters for all of the money. All of it!

So, we discover that these guys are dangerous professionals who run the largest (read: Only) paranormal removal company in America and they're the last line of defense in the invisible war being waged on the living by the hordes of undead that, seemingly, didn't really pose a problem until these guys showed up. That's like a team of professional bear hunters going all over the country, rounding up bears, trapping them for days in Time's Square, taunting them with flash photography, finding King Bear (which is a thing, I think) and daring him and the rest of the bears to do something about it.

I may not have a firm grasp on similes.. Or how bears work! But, hey look: The Bear King!

Doctors Venkman and Stantz attempt to convince the mayor that New York City is headed the way of biblical disasters if they don't get a handle on all of this ghost infestation business that the Ghostbusters may or may not be the cause of. I'm sure he'll cave in and hire these guys, though.. What with threats like fire, brimstone, police cars being eaten by the ground, inter-species common-law marriages, people not being able to find the TV remote, people having just that twenty seconds or so of a song stuck in their head.. But they can't find the cassette they put it on so they can listen to it in order to get it out of their head.. You know, REAL mass hysteria!

Jack Torrance gets it.

After recruiting a fourth member, Winston Zedde-me-baby-one-More-time (Ernie Hudson), Ray and company track down the source of all of this paranormal fuckery to Venkman's girlfriend's penthouse. Venkman's main lady friend is called Dana (Sigourney Weaver) and she's as possessed as a 1958 Plymouth Fury. Now that they have a location and the loving support of the masses, they can take the fight to.. I don't actually know who. The building, I guess? I mean, the trailer makes it seem pretty clear that they have it out for this building. Because.. You know.. Fuck this building.

It was clearly possessed and had this coming. Also, that explosion looks like a dick. A dicksplosion!

You heard it here, first, folks: 1984 will mark the year of the Ghost Hunter. These motherfuckers will be everywhere, thirty years from now. On a different note: I think it's a nice (comic) relief from all these straight forward ghost stories like Poltergeist, Amityville, or The Fog-- To just be able to sit back and laugh instead of worrying every ten seconds about the fucking clown puppet under my bed, is nice.. Although, in hindsight, it's my own fault for actually putting the clown puppet under my own bed. In any case, I can't wait for this movie!! And I don't think I've ever wanted to be a ghost hunter more in my life than after watching this trailer!

Or a ghost!

Ghostbusters (1984) poster, trailer and screen shots courtesy of Columbia Pictures
Grizzly Bear Roar found on iPad Wallpapers
The Shining (1980) screen shot courtesy of Warner Bros.
All credited images found on Google Image searches

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The (sort of) pReview Re-viewing of The Expendables 3

8/15/2014

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The (sort of)
pReview Re-viewing of..

The Expendables 3!

Click the poster for the Official Website!

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)

(warning: May cause heart attacks to become heart "assaults".)

by Jeff Finck
written: 8/14/2014

Release Date: August 15, 2014

If you don't like action movies-- More to the point, if you don't LOVE 90s action movies-- Chances are that you probably didn't bother watching the first two Expendables movies. If you did, that's great and you support good movies. Well, "good" in the sense that the first two movies are two hundred and six combined minutes of adrenaline fueled, testoster-boner inducing thrill rides into how to construct every action movie fan's vision of what would happen if their favorite action stars traipsed around in a video game plot. (read: Plot not needed.) Speaking of this movie not needing a plot, I've decided that I won't be doing an actual preview reviewing of this one. (Be sure to check out my full review of Expendables 2's trailer, though!) Instead, I am just going to take a little time and familiarize everyone with the characters you're getting ready to be.. Umm. familiar.. With.

With a cast this big, there's no way you can say that these people aren't in this movie!

Sylvester Stallone reprises his role as Barney Ross

Ask him about his new haircut.

    Barney Ross is the leader of the Expendables-- A group of mercenaries with hearts of gold. To my knowledge, they've only ever done two missions: One time, they killed Stone Cold Steve Austin and a very helpless Eric Roberts. Then, they hunted down Jean-Claude van Damme because he killed Thor's brother. Barney Ross takes it personally when you kill Thor's brother.

-    Likes: When people notice his new haircut
-    Dislikes: When people criticize his new haircut (see above)
-    Not to be confused with Barney Rubble

Jason Statham reprises his role as Lee Christmas

Pictured: Lee Christmas and two of his three girlfriends.

    Lee Christmas is basically Barney Ross' first mate. He's an ex-British Special Forces soldier who has killed more people with knives than times you've touched yourself at night. His non-knife girlfriend is Cordelia from Angel. Lee Christmas had to become a vampire and kill Angel in a vampire fight, once, to win her heart. Afterwards, Lee Christmas turned himself back into a human by stabbing the vampire out of himself with a wooden knife.

-    Likes: Knives; Stabbing people with knives; Having sex.. Possibly with knives.
-    Dislikes: The TV show Angel.
-    Not to be confused with Lee Merriweather (you thought I was going to make a Christmas joke, didn't you?)

Jet Li reprises his role as Yin Yang

Yin Yang does not believe in Child Labor Laws.

    Yin Yang is an expert at hand-to-hand combat.. In other words, he beats the hell out of people using his feet and anger. Lots of people like to point out how short he is. Yin Yang thinks those people are racist.

-    Best Friend: Little children attached to ropes in martial arts fights.
-    Arch Nemesis: A small child called Lee Jets.. Who wouldn't let Yang tie a rope to him to use him as a weapon
-    Not to be confused with The Yin Yang Twins

Terry Crews reprises his role as Hale Caesar

Hale Caesar once held political office. His only policy was guns. Just the word "Guns."

    Hale Caesar loves doing two things: Cooking and working out. Also, guns. And killing bad guys. And screaming. Hale Caesar loves doing five things.

-    Favorite Team-Up: Luke Cage and Iron Fist
-    Least Favorite Team-Up: when the Apple Dumpling Gang rode again
-    Not to be confused with a Caesar salad

Dolph Lundgren reprises his role as Gunner Jensen

Gunner Jensen circa 1995.

    This Swedish mountain has issues in playing well with others. When he's not fighting tyranny, he's usually fighting Yin Yang.. Or Italian boxers. He is extremely intelligent-- Genius, even. However, there was a brief time in the '90s when he thought he was Jesus.

-    Special Abilities: Super Strength; IQ over 150; Always knows when it's "Miller Time"
-    Special Disabilities: Enjoys Miller Genuine Draft
-    Not to be confused with Jesus

Randy Couture reprises his role as Toll Road

Toll Road circa 1982.

    Toll Road is the resident demolitions expert for the Expendables. He joined the Expendables after being kicked out of the band, Wham!. Early in 1981, Wham! was a five piece rock outfit, but then Toll Road ate two of the other members and was promptly released. He took the rock with him, though, and George Michael and Andrew Ridgely were forced to make pop songs about alarm clocks, or something.

-    Totally Jealous of: Dave Bautista
-    Totally Not Jealous of: Georges St-Pierre
-    Not to be confused with a Toll Booth

Arnold Schwarzenegger reprises his role as Trench Mauser

Mauser likes hiding in plain sight. Examples: Public office.. Or, the cover of fitness magazines.

    Mauser was once allied with Barney Ross, but due to a misunderstanding that no one actually witnessed, they had a falling out and didn't appear together even once in their eighty year combined careers.. Even though, everyone in the world openly hoped it would happen.. Alas, the population at large would be denied that amazing event until 2010.

-    Fun fact: Trench Mauser disappeared between 2003 and 2010. It is believed that he lost much of his mass due to the stress of governing a small nation. In 2009, it was reported that he re-purchased his muscles on the black market in Austria.
-    Not to be confused with Arnold Schwarzenegger

Wesley Snipes as Doc aka Doctor Death

He is also a part time vampire hunter.

    Doc used to be a medic, but apparently gave all that up to help found the Avengers.. I mean Expendables. He is, unfortunately for him, being held captive by an unknown force. It is my understanding that wherever it is that he's being held, he is slowly ridding their prison system of vampires.

-    At odds with: Lee Christmas' history with vampires
-    Really enjoys: Being in Direct-to-video movies
-    Not to be confused with Billy Blanks (you racists)

Harrison Ford as Max Drummer

If given the chance, Drummer will shoot first.

    Drummer is the best (only) pilot on the team. I heard that he once piloted a ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs! Which is super impressive, because that implies that Max Drummer has advanced knowledge of Quantum Mechanics.

-    Big fan of: People getting off his plane.
-    Also enjoys: People giving him back his wife and/or family.
-    Not to be confused with the drummer from Def Leppard

Kelsey Grammer as Bonaparte

Bonaparte, seen here undercover as a mutant Presidential Cabinet member.

    Bonaparte is retired. But that won't stop him from being in this movie and doing stuff! What stuff, you ask? Well, instead of admitting that I don't know, I'm just going to say it's classified!

-    Turn ons: [REDACTED]
-    Turn offs: [REDACTED]
-    Not to be confused with Dori from the Hobbit

Antonio Banderas as Galgo

If he runs out of bullets, he uses his mustache as a Batarang!

    Galgo (Spanish for Greyhound Lines, Inc.) is an ex-Spanish Armed Forces soldier. He used to accurately shoot people for them from very far away (Spanish for Sniper). Every four years, or so, Galgo likes to grow a mustache.. He then uses a complicated Rube Goldberg machine that aims and snipes it off with a high-powered rifle.

-    Likes: Mustaches every four years
-    Dislikes: Having a mustache the rest of the time
-    Not to be confused with Trailways Transportation System.. Or whatever is Spanish for that

Ronda Rousey as Luna

Oh my! It's the fabled Frog Stance!

    Luna made her name as a nightclub bouncer, when Bonaparte was all, "Dude, bro.. She's, like, totes hot and should fully be on our team." Bonaparte was actually being played by 1989's Keanu Reeves when he said that. She is the sole female member of the Expendables.

-    Pet Peeves: When someone calls her the ExpendaBelle.
-    Fun Fact: In February of 2014, she once took fifteen hits of acid and thought she was a frog who joined the MMA (see above). She won ten fights in a row.
-    Not to be confused with Luna Vachon

Kellan Lutz as John Smilee

WTF?! Is this guy a vampire?!

    Smilee is one of the "new guys." The Expendables, I believe, use him for his penchant for moto-racing and the fact that he may possibly be a fucking vampire. This, of course, puts him at constant odds with Lee Christmas and Doc.

-    Likes: Being in action movies!
-    Really Likes: Not being in shitty Young Adult fiction-based movies.
-    Not to be confused with Mr. Smiley

Victor Ortiz as Mars

Three years ago, Mars tried to suck all the air out of the planet.

    Mars may be the first person on Earth to combine being a sharpshooter with being a boxer. Due to needing to be close-quarters in order to box someone, coupled with the need to be relatively far away in order to snipe someone.. Mars has fitted every bullet he fires with tiny boxing gloves.

-    Secret #1: Mars is secretly laughed at by the scientific community for his boxing glove bullets.
-    Secret #2: Mars was given six comendations for his boxing bullets by the scientific community only out of the fear of actually being shot by something as terrifying as bullets that box you before shooting you.
-    Not to be confused with the planet Mars

Glen Powell as Thorn

Thorn loves insisting that people "Pound it."

    Thorn is one of those guys who demands you call him "Thorny" or "Ramathorn". He also constantly refers to his penis as The Ramrod. The only reason people put up with it is because his skills as a hacker are so great that he will make your entire internet existence claim that your name is Rod Farva and that you like to have sex with blow up dolls.

-    Favorite Movie: Super Troopers
-    Favorite Actor: Jay Chandrasekhar
-    Fun Fact: Depends on the pick-up line "Every Rose has a Thorn." when hitting on women named Rose.
-    Not to be confused with the subject of a Poison song

Mel Gibson as Conrad Stonebanks (the bad guy)

Stonebanks spent a lot of time as a human goat before resurfacing and causing trouble with the Expendables.

Stonebanks helped create the Expendables with Barney Ross, but knowing that he wouldn't be Forever Young, he decided to go Maverick and sell Lethal Weapons to Attack Forcez in other countries. He's recently resurfaced and now has a Bounty on him and Barney Ross wants Payback for his betrayal. But Barney will need to have a Brave Heart if he's going to collect this p[articular Ransom and Get this Gringo. Bird on a Wire.. Mad Max.

Best Movie Starring Mel Gibson and Jet Li: Lethal Weapon 4
Best Movie Starring Jet Li and Antonio Banderas: Ballistic - Ecks vs Sever
Best Movie Starring Antonio Banderas and Sylvester Stallone: Assassins
Best Movie Starring Sylvester Stallone and Wesley Snipes: Demolition Man
Best Movie Starring Wesley Snipes and Jason Statham: Chaos
Best Movie Starring Jason Statham and Mel Gibson: Expendables 3, probably.

Expendables 3 (2014) poster and trailer and The Expendables (2010) screen shot courtesy of Lionsgate
Bullet to the Head (2013) screen shot courtesy of Warner Bros
My Father Is A Hero (1995) screen shot courtesy of Win's Entertainment, Ltd.
Idiocracy (2006) screen shot and X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) screen shot courtesy of 20th Century Fox
Johnny Mnemonic (1995) screenshot courtesy of TriStar Pictures
Randy Couture college pic found on MMA Fury
Arnold on cover of Muscle & Fitness found on Store Mags
Blade (1998) screen shot courtesy of New Line Cinema
Six Days Seven Nights (1998) screen shot courtesy of Buena Vista Pictures
Machete Kills (2013) screen shot courtesy of Open Road Films
Ronda Rousey crouched pic found on The Epoch Times
Kellan Lutz vamp pic found on Bad Boys Deluxe
Victor Ortiz pic found on Bleacher Report
Glen Powell Guardians of the Galaxy premiere pic found on Ace Show Biz (credit to Apega/WENN)
Mel Gibson beard pic found on News.Com.Au
All credited images were found on Google Image searches

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The pReview Re-viewing of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

8/7/2014

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The pReview Re-viewing of..

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)!

Click the poster for the Official Website!

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)

(warning: Beware the Teenaged Mutant Fisting Turtles. They don't play well with others.)

by Jeff Finck
written: 8/6/2014

Release Date: August 8, 2014

Yay! Another movie release, this year, that requires DECADES of back story if one is unfamiliar with the series! Sweet deal! Okay, as always, I feel like I shouldn't monopolize a lot of our time together by painfully breaking down everything this movie series has accomplished over the last twenty four years.. Or that the animated series has given the hearts and minds of us children over the last twenty seven years.. Or that the comics have established over the last THIRTY years! The easy out is that this film is rebooting everything, which means I get to come in fresh. I get to give a completely new perspective on something that seems so familiar, but is still so damn alien. (Did you see what I did there? Because we almost ended up with aliens?) In regards to that parenthetical statement, it seems difficult to mess up a formula like this, Michael Bay and whoever wrote this. You really only need to get five things right: Name them after famous Renaissance artists. Make them teenagers. Mutate the fuck out of them. Make them ninjas. And-- Eff's sake-- make them turtles.

Remember a few months ago when we were told that this is what we were going to get?

Okay, let's pretend that we know nothing about the Ninja Turts (I've known these guys since I was 5, I'm allowed to call them that) and crack this trailer open! Darkness descends on the New York City, as we're shown that some sinister force has a massive surveillance network in place, spying on all who dwell in the massive metropolis and.. Wait.. I'm pretty sure it's the Ninja Turtles' surveillance. Hmm.. Well.. Pfft.. It's a.. Good thing, too, ya know? Because a bunch of goofy white guys in too-tight hoodies are wreaking havoc on the subway and Megan Fox is in imminent danger of.. I don't know.. Whatever goofy white guys in hoodies do. Unabomb things?

#YesAllGoofyWhiteGuysInHoodies

Well, the Turtles show up and exert their mutated dominance all over the place by, somehow, finding a way to screw with the subway's lighting so it's slightly more difficult to tell that seven-foot tall turtle ninjas are beating the fuck out of everyone. What they don't do is have any regard for bystander safety, as they trap everyone inside a darkened panic in one of the most aggressive city's enclosed areas in the United States, throw bad guys into moving subway cars, and crash big rigs into machine gun toting a-holes that seem to already be engaged with the police. Then, they loudly celebrate on a VERY nearby rooftop over how good their stealthiness is and threaten this attractive young lady for being curious about seven-foot tall turtle ninjas.

And we all know what Curiosity did to the cat.

(Side note: Also, I'm assuming they chose not to film the scenes where these teenaged ninja fucks use karate to hide their teenaged mutant ninja turtle boners.. Megan Fox is hot, is what I'm saying.)

And she should be curious. Not only are these things some kind of twisted, cruel joke, defying the laws of nature and understanding, but they, mystifyingly, don't even seem to be real! Like, not that they look bad, but these things look like roiling CG-monsters, designed to terrify children and confuse the elderly-- Like driving and soft candy.

Get out of there! They've come to steal your Centrum Silver!

In case you were wondering who the money behind this is, Michael Bay's name is introduced with the extremely under-used (sarcasm) Inception <Bwah>. And then a talking rat called Splinter (Tony Shalhoub) gives his "sons" a super-peppy pep talk while we get smash introductions to what these hulking turtle-tanks look like. We got Leonardo (voiced by Johnny Knoxville), who is basically a turtle version of Rufio from Hook except that he has katanas and stole someone's NYC pin.

BANGARANG!

Donatello is the purple sash-wearing nerd. He's actually my favorite teenaged turtle who is, not only a nerd, but BOTH a mutant AND ninja! But, let's get back to not knowing anything about this except what is shown in the trailer. And what they show in the trailer is that Donatello is a fucking nerd.

Pictured: A fucking nerd.

Michelangelo, the orange/yellow clad turtle, who CLEARLY regularly attends Dave Matthews Band concerts and needs some Jack Johnson unwind at the end.

The puka necklace and douche-shades are dead giveaways.

And lastly, Raphael. Raph seems like the no-nonsense, Tommy Lee Jones turtle. Like, if you told him that his series was based on the movie 3 Ninjas, he would rip your dick off and shove it into and out of all the holes he made with his sais, all the while reminding you, violently, that 3 Ninjas came out eight fucking years after TMNT's origin.

Pictured: A sociopath.. Apparently.

Back to the action.. Splinter finishes his terrible anti-pep talk up by claiming that, even though these fifteen thousand-foot tall, amphibious, samurai mutant behemoths have been defending the city (allegedly) for some ambiguous time, now, they just aren't ready to handle the city's greatest threat: A middle-aged white man in a suit. I know what you're thinking, though. You're probably thinking, "But, the pReview Re-viewing, New York has a whole bunch of those! How will we know which ones are the city's greatest enemy?!" My answer is very simple: It's all of them.

Alternatively, it could be any tourist that doesn't know how sidewalks work.

Apparently, this middle-aged white guy (William Fichtner) has taken some extremely tall Asian man's samurai armor and turned it into a giant, rodent exterminating, mutant-turtle catching, cyborg Edward Scissorhands with rocket knives. I am hoping that this weird-ass RoboShredder is actually just Rocksteady and Bebop standing on each other's shoulders in an elaborate disguise. :fingers crossed:

Ah, Rocksteady and Bebop.. Masters of disguise.

Well, whatever it was, it and the now-masked villainous Foot Clan made Leonardo, Donatello, and Michelangelo look like a bunch of kid-aged, opposite of mutant, not-ninja.. Hatchlings? Baby turtles are called Hatchlings, right? They get carted off in the rain, probably because rain suppresses the turtle's natural ability to fly. (I may not know how turtles work, thanks to Gamera.) But, as convenience would have it, Raphael shows up just in time to find Splinter buried under rubble and his brothers M.I.A. (the state of being, not the British-Sri Lankan musician). So, he loses his family and, after he vows to get them back, he.. Uhmm.. I guess.. Gets them.. Back.

I know he does because this movie isn't called Only One Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Most of the rest of the trailer plays out much the way one would expect: Skrillex provides some slamming dub-step played from, what I assume is, the speaker behind Shredder's robotic dick plate. But we get to see a turtle actually survive being ran over by a vehicle, thanks to the totally legit, shell protecting, bouncy-offy physics mutants have. Also, Mikey shows off his rocket skateboarding moves with a sweet 360-Backside Method Air into a Superman Vehicle Grab (which is totally a thing.. Now.). Then, some jackhole with a rocket launcher does stuff while Raph lulls Shredder into a false security by being completely over-powered by him. And just before the title shot, Will Arnett gives away the entire plot of the movie.

This movie is about four turtles fighting a giant robot called Shredder?! Spoilers, asshole.

Despite the self-referential backtracking about their, now scrubbed, extra-terrestrial origins.. Despite the fact that it looks like their namesakes came back to life and sprayed these mutants into existence out of paint and boredom, rather than them appearing to actually belong to the world they're stomping around in.. And despite the fact that I'm convinced that Michael Bay is attempting to destroy everyone who was born before 1989's childhood (the Transformers trilogy, plus he co-owns the reboot factory known as Platinum Dunes). Despite all of this, I.. Dammit.. I still want to see this. Not for nostalgic reasons, mind you-- I mean, my inner child has already been sated with a GOOD live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I want to see this, eventually, because it surprisingly doesn't look entirely awful. Unnecessary, maybe.. But actually entertaining. Just as long as this has a catchy song to go along with it.

Ninja Rap, this ain't.. But I dare you to NOT watch this half a dozen times in a row.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) poster, trailer and screen shots courtesy of Nickelodeon Movies and Paramount Pictures
Unabomber courtesy of deep-rooted psychosis.
Curiosity Mars Rover courtesy of NASA
Rufio from Hook (1991) courtesy of TriStar Pictures
Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds (1984) courtesy of 20th Century Fox
Dave Matthews Band courtesy of being too high to like good music.
sidewalk thing courtesy of Improv Everywhere ( http://improveverywhere.com/2010/06/08/the-tourist-lane/ )
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1991) screen shot courtesy of Group W Productions and CBS
Origami Ninja Turtles vs Paper Shredder courtesy of TShirt Laundry
All credited images found on Google Images

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The pReview Re-viewing of Guardians of the Galaxy

7/16/2014

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The pReview Re-viewing of..

Guardians of the Galaxy!

Click the poster for the Official Website!

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)

(warning: I am not Groot.)

by Jeff Finck
written: 7/16/2014

Release Date: August 1, 2014

Look, it would take roughly forty years to explain all of the ins and outs of this extremely complex story of vengeance and vindication.. Luckily for you, I think I can cover the whole thing in about two words: Space Avengers. (kind of.) ((okay, four words.))

Guavengers! Guassemble!

Okay, that's a bit of an oversimplification. Let's tackle this one person at a time.. And from the perspective of someone who knows absolutely zero about the comic books this movie is based on! First up, Peter Quill aka Star-Lord (Chris Pratt)! He's just some, seemingly, normal dude who became an interstellar outlaw on the run from.. Space cops.. Or something. He may also be part alien.. But, like, humanoid aliens.. Not acid-spitty, dildo head aliens. Picture Captain Kirk mixed with the kid from Treasure Planet..

But less animated, more identifiable, and.. Actually, it's just Andy from Parks & Rec in space.

Next, we have Gamora (Zoe Saldana). (Gamora, like a girls name.. Not Gemmorrah like the sister city of anal banging and apocalyptic hellfire.. No matter how many fanboys out there wish Zoe Saldana was into either of those things.) Speaking of Kirk, Gamora is a hot, green alien chick that I assume Star-Lord will make out with. Or bang out. Or not. Either way. She's a bad ass assassin (badassin?) who is out for redemption and conscience-clearing. Apparently, she doesn't really have any special powers other than being raised by the Mad Titan Thanos (aka that one guy at the end of The Avengers that every non-comics fan thought was a purple Incredible Hulk). Remember that guy? It's actually a good thing it wasn't a purple Incredible Hulk..

He's like a super angry grape. And you wouldn't like him when he's grapey. RUN OR HE'LL GRAPE YOU!

Then, there's Arthur Douglas aka Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista). Arthur was a family man on Earth when Thanos decided, "Fuck that." and murdered the shit out of him and his family because.. Actually, I don't know why. Thanos is a dick? Yeah, let's go with that. In any case, Arthur was resurrected by some mystical being and his spirit was inserted into a vengeance machine called Drax. Drax hates everything that doesn't involve killing Thanos. He's kind of like Kratos from God of War, except, you know, his story predates God of War by about thirty years. So.. He's like Kratos' daddy.

What kind of fucked family unit did I just create?!

Groot (Groot Diesel). I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot.

Yeah, man.. He's Groot.

Lastly, there's Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper). He's a racoon that talks and likes guns. There's not a whole lot more to it than that. He, also, has all the super-powers of a normal Earth raccoon, and.. You know.. He talks. And he likes guns.

I assume, also, that he hates trash cans?

Okay, so the trailer doesn't have a whole lot going on for it in the way of plot, but it does awesomely do everything else right. It mainly focuses on character introduction in the form of some fun banter between Mr. Cellophane and the voice of Darth Maul. (He was also Pete in Shaun of the Dead!) It starts off with Star-Lord snatching some mysterious orb from an alien temple, only to be caught by Korath the Pursuer (Djimon Hounsou).. Only to reveal that no one knows who the fuck this guy is.

That's CAPTAIN Jack Star-Lord.

The filler in the trailer is action packed and filled with stuff that hints at the bigger story if you're clever enough to catch it. Not to mention, the choice of Blue Swede's version of Hooked on a Feeling playing over it all just sets the entire over-arcing tone of this flick. Just perfect. At one point, there seems to be a prison break.. Probably just before the five of these anti-heroes team up. If you can get past the fact that Chris Pratt got ripped for this role, Star-Lord, in another smash-cut, looks like he got a full-body pink belly. Also, Gamora is all topless and stuff-- Not really relevant to plot, but hey, Marvel's so far ahead of DC on the women's equality front that no one will care. There's also a quick shot where blue cyborg Amy Pond is about to ruin fake-Ed Helms' day in the midst of all the characters posing their balls off in the middle of every action shot in the movie. And it all, of course, wraps up with a snarky one-liner..

A-Holes! Ass-emble!

Look, I can't front. I am not one of these people who will sit here and claim that I've been waiting for this movie since forever.. Or that I even knew there was a fucking talking raccoon in Marvel's roster until about six months ago. I did, however, do a ton of research once I saw how amazing this movie looked. And damn. This story is fantastic! And the way Marvel is tying everything together is like the work of a master painter-- Every stroke means something. It's almost disgusting how much money they're making from this craft-work. All I know is that, on August 1st, I'm going to get into my best Gamora costume, go down to the theater and assassinate some fucking nachos while I enjoy the latest comic book crack that Marvel has put out!

You're welcome, internet.

Oh! If you want to watch the unnecessarily awesome International Trailer that was released that gives everyone a better idea as to what the eff is going on.. And where I don't break anything down because of how insanely awesome it is, check that out by clicking here:

Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) poster, trailer and screen shots and The Incredible Hulk (2008) screen shot courtesy of Marvel Studios
Shirtless Kirk courtesy of Manscaping
Treasure Planet (2002) screen shot courtesy of Walt Disney Feature Animation
Rocket Raccoon & Groot: The Complete Collection (2013) courtesy of Marvel Comics
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures
All credited images found on Google Image searches

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