The retRo pReview Re-viewing of..
highly recommended to check out the trailer and then read!
by: Jeff Finck
The premise: A story about a boy, a girl, and a Universe. Which universe? Who knows, but I think that the premise is actually a little more in depth than all that.. it looks like the boy (Luke Skywalker) and girl (Princess Leia) have a few allies and they are fighting against a giant black robot and his white henchman for control of.. some.. thing.
The trailer begins with an offer to our imaginations: "Somewhere in space, this could all be happening.. right now." Of course, this is malarchy, because everyone knows that Earth is the center of the Universe, and there couldn't possibly be any life on any other planet. Saying this could be happening is like saying Pluto isn't a planet! But holy fuck, if the space ships in this thing do not look like they're actually in space! Oh, wait.. George Lucas made this? The American Graffiti guy? Yeah.. totally didn't happen. We are treated to the nicest effects I have ever seen, however, and then a lady with hairy cinnamon buns on her head and a werewolf are alerted to an attack upon them. This leads to a young gentleman stating, very whinily (that's a word.), that they're "coming in too fast!" Based on the poster art and what little I've read about this, the two humans are Luke and Leia. The werewolf is most likely Lon Chaney.
They must have all been captured, because this black robot guy brings in the needlebot and has a come to Jesus look-fest with Princess Cinnamon Bun in a small room. This causes some discomfort in her and really riles up her pet werewolf. In what is clearly a rescue attempt, shit starts falling apart when all the white robots have a shoot out with Harrison "Suck on all of my Balls" Ford!
The sci-fi-ness (again..totally a word.) continues with the voice over guy telling us this story is an undetermined amount of light years ahead of ITS time. Which is confusing for me. Is this going on now and we'll get this later? Is this happening in the past and we're just now getting this light years from then.. which raises even more questions.. seeing as a lightyear is a measure of distance, not time. So the whole things IS happening now, just, you know.. really far away. I think they could clarify everything with a simple phrase.. something like "Far, far away.. in another galaxy." or something. The whole phrase is very confusing.. holy shit! a fucking gold robot now! He claims his name is C-3PO, but I am pretty sure that's the robot from Metropolis. He introduces us, also, to R2-D2, a domed trashcan who makes fun noises. Immediately after that, SIR Alec Guiness fucks some aliens up with a light stick! Sweet!
The near lack of a background track becomes more noticable as they start getting into the action sequences.. after Sir Alec Guiness razes hell in a bar, Luke and Leia share a moment as he swings her to safety from the white robots. Then the giant black robot hams it up in front of his white counterparts by lifting some unlucky son of a bitch ten and a half feet off the ground by his throat and owning the wall with the guy's body. The trailer then promises us aliens from a thousand worlds, but then shows us some guy in a mask with a stick screaming like a donkey banging a sea lion. THEN! Sir Alec mixes it up with what I am assuming now is Darth Vader, the big black robot of paragraphs yore. They smack each other around with the light swords. And finally, R2-D2 gets sucked up a chute, only to have Harrison Ford drop down another one into some trash. Then the trash isn't JUST trash! A tentacle comes out and snatches one of our heroes down. The scene depicted Princess Leia in a white curtain, and Luke and Han Solo (Harrison Ford.. damn right, he gets the coolest name) dressed as those white robots.. probably taking a page out of those Wizard of Oz heroes infiltrating the Wicked Witch's castle. It all seems to wrap up with a slow crawl to the title and another voice over: "A billion years in the making." Now I'm no scholar.. but I am pretty sure that the Earth is about 4.5 billion years old.. and I do NOT remember any of this in any history class. Our teachers and parents lied to us!
As my mind is blown.. the driving strings playing in the near lack of a background track cease and the title explodes as well! I do have some confusion with the title: Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. This implies that I either missed the first 3 movies.. or that they are going to start counting down. If this is any indication of what they're counting down to, then I may just explode when it reaches Episode I! This movie looks like it's going to be about as boring as covering your face in gunpowder and trying to shave with a lighter! I cannot wait to see this! I'm going to make a laser sword, dress up like a white robot and check this out opening night! Bring your friends!
Release Date: May 25, 1977