The pReview Re-viewing
Star Trek (2009)!
(warning: May contain foul language.. In English. None of this Klingon bullshit.)
Clicking images SHOULD open their full-sized versions into your face!
by Jeff Finck
There may be those of you who do not remember the 1960s.. It was a time of peace and drugs and love and drugs and good music and great drugs and.. Actually, even if you were alive in the 1960s, there's a good chance you probably can't remember it. Well, the '60s were also a time for Star Trek. Now, after countless seasons (TOS:3, Animated Series:2, TNG:7, DS9:7, Voyager:7, Enterprise:4), spin-offs (five), movies (on May 17, there will be 12), books (easily 300+), comics (I don't know.. Like 7?), and video/table top/board games (somewhere in the upper numbers area), it's probably about time that I gave one of these bad boys some recognition. Here it is, yet another in the long and storied tradition of a fan's take on the voyages of the starship Enterprise and its continuing mission to seek out new life and new civilizations.. And fuck with it.
I'm not going to break the whole movie down, line by line, second by second.. That'd get boring. So, instead, I've constructed a, sort of, highlights reel for those of you who feel the urge to violently rebel against long paragraphs stitched together by words and seemingly layered with brick after brick of boring grammatical errors and run-on sentences and using the word "and" too many times in a single sentence. Let us begin:
Right out of the gate, Thor takes over as acting captain of the USS Kelvin, a ship so terrible in a space fight that it loses to a piddly-ass Romulan mining ship.
Twenty-five or so troubling years later..
Twenty-five or so troubling seconds later..
Three years and two Kobayashi Marus later..
After Tyler Perry declares an emergency,
Kirk sneaks onto the Enterprise and does his best Admiral Akbar impression..
It is revealed that a great and powerful Roman emperor has inexplicably traveled into the future, fucked up his ears, and is now planning on dropping a blackhole into the rubber planet: Vulcan.
Our heroes, Kirk, Sulu, and Stupid Fucking Redshirt attempt to sever
Cthulhu's penis and prevent the destruction of an entire planet!
Will their plan succeed?
After Spock gives Kirk the old Iron Claw, Kirk finds himself ejaculated
into space and laying on the ice planet.. Uhmm.. "Not" Hoth.. Yeah..
There, he meets some of the friendly locals!
After Scotty levels up by gaining about 16.4 million experience points,
he teleports himself and Kirk across the galaxy and onto the Enterprise..
Alrighty, now that we've established everyone's place in the universe,
it's time to get down to business.
After the kerfuffles and Lazy Susans and chicanery and tomfoolery and Rachmaninovs all
die down.. Kirk and Spock introduce Nero (the bad guy) to a fun game that they picked up
on The Big Bang Theory.. That they totally watch.. Like, all the time..
And that's Star Trek! JJ Abrams brought it to life, and I squashed its soul into a comic book-ish 2D format! Ah, the second D: The best of all Ds! Come back later this week and I should have a full Re-Viewing of the trailer for the newest installment, Star Trek Into Darkness!
Thanks for reading!