The pReview Re-viewing
(It is highly recommended to go and play this fantastic Capcom game and then watch the movie.. And then read this shit.)
ALSO! CLICK THE PICTURES! NOW THEY GET BIGGER!
(warning: There are spoilers.. But as these spoilers spoil movies and games that are 10 to 16 years old.. Shut up.)
(Secondary warning: Also, I curse in this one. A lot. Blame the R-Rated movie's PG-13 soundtrack.)
by Jeff Finck
Now, I've been involved with the Resident Evil series (games and movies) ever since that one time that I played that first game for the first time. That may not seem like a big deal, but I remember it. And from what I remember..
In order to lay out my observations, I have to compare it to the game.. Kind of.. I'll be brief.. ish.
ACK! Fucking dogs! Run!!!
Dammit, Brad! What an asshole!
Hey! A mansion! What could possibly go wrong?
ACK! Fucking zombie Crows!
ACK! Fucking Rebecca Chambers!
ACK! Fucking gigantic Snake!
ACK! Fucking zombie ceiling!
ACK! The fucking Lizard!
ACK! Fucking.. Sharks..?
Dammit, Barry! What an asshole!
Oh.. I mean.. Dammit, Wesker! What an asshole!
ACK! Fucking Tyrants! ..and their exposed organs..
ACK! Fucking self destruct!
Brad! You magnificent bastard!
Dammit, random guy! What an asshole! As if working hundreds of feet underground every single day and having to fight the icy grip of death in mere minutes wasn't bad enough!
ACK! Fucking elevator malfunctions! Always decapitating people, and shit. That's the worst.
Aaaand Milla Jovovich just gave everyone a boner. Don't try to deny it, straight ladies and gay fellas.. You know you have one.
ACK! Fucking S.W.A.T.!
ACK! A fucking.. Train.. Ride..?
ACK! Fucking lasers! Fun fact: Lasers kill less people a year than termites. Until lasers figure out how to use termites, they're always going to have to settle for number two.
ACK! Fucking holographic children!
ACK! Fucking zombies! Always the face with these guys.. Why the face?
ACK! Fucking zombie dogs! Run!!!
Aaaand Milla Jovovich just gave Michael Vick a boner. Dammit, Michael Vick! What an asshole!
Look at all these zombies! I call the big one Bitey. I call the rest of them.. Bitey.
Dammit, Spence! What an asshole!
ACK! Lord Zedd from the Power Rangers fucked a dog! Why in the fuck did he do that?!
ACK! It's that fucking Lord Zed zombie brain dog thing!
ACK! Fucking Rain!
ACK! Fucking Umbrella Corporation.. I would have thought.. You know.. More umbrellas.
Aaaand.. 28 Days Later.. Silly Jim.. What are you doing in Raccoon City?
THE.. CONTINUATION.. ?
What I took away from comparing the movie to the game: Other than a theme of betrayal and fucked up animal experimentation, plus strong femal protagonists.. Not much. Except for this:
Stay tuned in this week for my Re-Watching of Resident Evil: Apocalypse!
(All movie screenshots belong to © 2012 Sony Pictures Digital Inc. All rights reserved. IMAX® 3D is a registered trademark of IMAX Corporation. And all game screenshots belong to @ 2012 Capcom. Thank you for not suing?)