The pReview Re-viewing of..
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1
Curse of the Deathly Hallows: Honeymoon in Vegas
highly recommended to check out the trailer and then read!
by: Jeff Finck
The premise: So apparently Bella has made her bed, and now she has to lay in it. With Team Edward. ..and then have a vampire baby. (Vampire Baby!!!!) This, of course, will not be tolerated by the Republic, so they send Darth Alpha Dog and a whole slew of TIE Werewolves after them. And. It. Is. All. Out. War.. I mean, DRAMA!
The trailer opens with a trip down.. sigh.. have you watched any of the other trailers for the Twilight series? (I'm sorry.. I mean "Saga.") Well, it's the same variation of the same river they always show, that we can assume is in Washington, because all of the movies take place there. In Washington. Not the river. But this further perpetuates that if you want to see vampires.. just head West!
We then continue on to the Wedding of the Century! No, not the Royal Wedding.. the REAL Royal Wedding: Princess Bella and Team Edward!!! I think every dog in the world had a migraine for a week when this trailer came out. (..on account of the high pitch shrieking? ..from all the pre-teen to mid-teen girls? ..who were excited? ..Like, duuuh!) At this point, though.. and I may be unfamiliar with Stephenie Meyer vampires (hahah Meyer Vampire.. classic).. the wedding dialogue takes place over the top of everyone waiting for Bella to come down the aisle. So, in some form of psychic pceremony (did you see what I did there?), they begin to get married and finish the "I Do"s AT the altar.. what a time saver! One side note: Bella says the phrase, "As long as we both shall live." So, like, right away, Edward is allowed to step out. Luckily for everyone involved, he has a hidden agenda. Use illogical physiology to do the improbable and cause as much mayhem as he can with a VAMPIRE BABY!!!
Just not before Team Jacob shows up to try and throw a monkey wrench into all this Vampire on Human saccarin. And so, what is depressingly some of this movie's target audience's original Snow White and the Huntsman, they must bid adieu to each other. He does slide in that little snide comment.. you know that comment.. the one that you say to try and eat away at that person who tore your heart out. He says, "You'd think I'd be used to telling you, 'Goodbye.'" OH SNAP! Her heart sank like 6 feet! He got her so fucking good. So good, in fact, that she just goes right into banging Edward Cullen so hard that he destroys the headboard of their bed and ejaculates feathers everywhere! (Another little known fact about the Meyer Vampire) This, we learn was the best night of Edward Cullen's existence.. further proving that guys just quantify happy moments with the sex they are either getting or not getting. In this case.. he got that, fo' sho'.
Alas, this is only the beginning. The next morning, Bella is walking by the mirror and notices that something is off. Is it her hair? Is it her oddly toned stomach? Is it her lack of hips? Is it her funny looking, yet lazy, but still strange attractiveness? No.. she's fucking pregnant! Damn those are some potent feathers Edward sprays! And in what is supposed to be the perfect blend of classic horror with teenage drama, we get the world's most perfect pair of sentences ever uttered in the history of cinema: "The fetus isn't compatible with your body, it's too strong and fast growing." Coupled with, "It's crushing you from the inside out!" In shame, Bella pulls her shirt down in hopes that this utterance, as well as the whole plot of the movie, won't make them all look dopey as the 7th effing Dwarf. (Spoiler alert: this is ridiculous!)
Jakey Jake shows back up with his funky bunch and blames Edward for all of the banging they did and the baby he isn't denying he helped create. And then, presumably, the Vampire girl who can read futures(?) (see: Meyer Vampire) says that she can't see Bella's future! Oh no! This leads to everyone having some moments of reflection.. everyone except the Werewolf guys, chilling on the beach.. as Werewolves do. They decide, "Fuck a Vampire baby.. let's kill 'em all!" And rightfully so! Who knows what they're breeding?! (VAMPIRE BABIES!!!) So the Werewolves attack and.. blah blah blah.. is anyone paying attention to this?! A Vampire Baby! I haven't been this excited since Van Helsing!
Now, I haven't seen any of the Twilight movies.. but this trailer makes me want to go rent the whole set and have me a Twilight-a-thon Funfest! ..which is what I'm going to do! And then I will dress up like my favorite character (I am pretty sure I have Bella's dad's clothes in my closet right now!) and hit up the ol' midnight release! I have to remember to leave the glitter at home, though.. Vampires only sparkle in the day light. (Meyer Vampire) Missed opportunity, though, to screen this on the Twilight of the 18th.. instead of Midnight.. oh snap! Good luck to everyone on their journey through life until Breaking Dawn - Part 2: Electric Vamp-a-loo comes out!
Release Date: November 18th, 2011
addendum: I am officially Team Jasper. That is all.