The pReview Re-viewing of..
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: Contains a collection of curse words dispersed throughout.. And Arnold screaming)
by: Jeff Finck
Release Date: August 3, 2012
The premise: A weight lifting, muscle laden, construction worker decides to go to an agency to fulfill his dream of having a Martian adventure. When something goes horribly wrong, he must travel to Mars to get answers. And there is a mutant hottie with three boobs. What? This isn't about any of that? Then it MUST be set in the year 2070, and this is a buddy cop movie about androids and political intrigue.. What? Wrong again? Fuck! What the hell is this movie about, then?
..And, apparently, it's not like that, either. In the book, he’s just a normal dude named Doug Quail. The story still follows the 1990 adventures of Douglas Quaid (this time played by Colin Farrell), and his normie identity is still Douglas Hauser. I’d like to think that the real plot in this movie is that he realized that he could share his name with Hermann Hauser, the co-founder of Acorn Computers (Whatever the fuck THAT is), or he could share the name with the greatest acting brothers of the 20th century:
Quaid, this time, is a factory worker who seems to be plagued by nightmares of that time he tried to kill Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, and then Kiefer Sutherland trapped him in a phone booth until Jamie Foxx showed up, and then they went to Miami to hang out with vampires. Real kooky shit. (Am I the only one who notices that Colin Farrell is running a train on remakes? (Total Recall, Fright Night, Miami Vice, S.W.A.T., and if you count books, you can throw Minority Report in, too!)
In fact, the trailer starts up with Quaid jolting awake from one such nightmare. Not to worry, though, Kate Beckinsale is there to console him.. So he can pretty much go fuck himself. To clear his head, he decides to head out onto the terrace. Side note: There would be no way that this would clear MY head, mostly because his terrace overlooks a dystopian city made of Legos and Tetris blocks, and all I would be able to think about is that fucking 19th century Russian Folk song: Korobeiniki. You know which one I mean.
Now that the Tetris song is stuck in his head, Quaid heads down to the local dive and meets up with his friend, Bokeem Woodbine. Quaid asks his friend what he thinks of the Rekall Corporation. After dispensing some friendly advice about NOT going to Rekall, and claiming that they WILL mess with his head, Quaid decides that the question was rhetorical and goes anyway. What's the worst that could happen, right?
After something inevitably goes horribly wrong, the Rekall employees (including a blonde John Cho) attempt to abort the program, but they, in turn, are aborted. By the police. Kind of. They all get machine gunned to death. The police in this are kind of neat looking, though. They kind of look like a Storm Trooper banged out a Cobra Snow Serpent from G.I. Joe., and it is extremely well prepared for winter. It isn't as horrible as it sounds:
When Quaid realizes he's probably next on the abortion list, he mans the fuck up and wrecks everybody's shit using nothing but his wits, fists, feet, and bullets. Also, secret spy training that has either always been there, or recently been unlocked. Either way, the new age police just can’t seem to bear the strain of being murdered by his tornado of violence, then they all die from it in spectacular fashion. In the aftermath, Quaid can't believe how awesome he is and retreats into the loving arms of Kate Beckinsale.
Oh.. Wait.. Nope. She tries to kill him, too.
Quaid manages to escape all of the guns, and robot cops, and future stuffs, and Kate Beckinsales, and Bill Nighys, and gravity. After leaping around all nimbly bimbly from roof top to roof top, Doug finds sanctuary, now in the loving arms of the sexy Melina (Jessica Biel).
It turns out that she's working with some kind of anti-government resistance, and that they've been looking everywhere for Quaid. Everywhere, except where he's been living out a normal, Geena Davis in The Long Kiss Goodnight, kind of life for who knows how long. After watching The Fifth Element like 6 times in a row, they elude the cops in a hover car chase that will make you cry foul. Maybe. In their defense, you just don't see too many hover car chases that aren't starring Milla Jovovich's bandaged body, or Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Snores.
I have a question: So, if the bad guys have known where Quaid was the entire time, but kept it all a secret for.. some reason.. And the good guys conveniently didn't know where he was until the bad guys wanted him dead; doesn't that mean that all of this is in Quaid's head? The coincidence is very obvious. Unless, the bad guys were watching him, and then, when Rekall accidentally activated memories that were already there AND because his brain was being monitored, the bad guys knew to move in before it was too late.. But then, why didn't Quaid remember which side he was on since.. Oh God.. I've gone cross-eyed. When all is said and done, however, it turns out that Bryan Cranston was behind it all.. Hey! I just figured it out!
All I know is, there are a lot of movies coming out this year. Some will be worth it (The Avengers, The Amazing Spider-Man, The Dark Knight Rises, Moonrise Kingdom) and some (The Three Stooges, Resident Evil: Retribution, What to Expect When You’re Expecting) will make you think, "I'm pretty sure that I would rather actually have someone hammer tacks into my fingernails with my own dick than go see this in the theater." Total Recall definitely falls into the former with me. I'm not a giant fan of remakes or reboots, but for some reason, I'm okay with this one (and more and more, lately for some reason). The original was so far removed from the short story that it's almost like they expected this to happen. It also doesn't hurt that Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Bill Nighy, and Bryan Cranston are involved, or that Len Wiseman is directing (The first time since Live Free or Die Hard). The only thing that really disappoints me is that Michael Ironside STILL isn't going to make it to the party. :(