The pReview Re-viewing of..
Thor: The Dark World
CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: Absolutely zero racially driven "Dark World" jokes.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: November 8, 2013
When last we saw Julius J Thorman Odinson (Chris Hemsworth), he had lost the right to use his hammer, Mjölnir, and had been banished to Earth where he met astrophysicist, Jane Foster (Natalie Portman), and her uncanny mutant inability to not be attractive.
Okay, sorry about that.. Back to the subject at hand: Thor ended up finding out that the magic was inside him all along! Aaaand.. then he got his hammer back and defeated his trickster brother Loki's (Tom Hiddleston) evil plan that consisted of proving that he's better than Thor by committing genocide against the Frost Giants-- who are really just a bunch of really sad, really cold, really big blue people with mental ice powers that also happen to be Loki's blood relatives. The whole ordeal was basically the biggest overreaction to finding out you were adopted in the history of things. Thor eventually puts an end to his shenanigans by leaving Earth, promising to come back, but then realizing that the only way to save everyone is to destroy the Bifrost, aka the only bridge that would give Thor access to Jane Foster and her attractive Natalie Portman-like features.
HEY! I SAID ENOUGH OF THAT! You can't show naked Natalie Portmans!
Actually, the very last time we saw The Thor, every Marvel fanboy in the world had a collective brain-splosion..
Now, back on the Silver Screen-- Well.. The Digital.. Colored.. Screen? I don't know what the devil these children are calling it nowadays-- But Thor is back! The preview starts with the door to Loki's prison cellblock bursting open, where, apparently, the Asgardian dungeon also possesses the Multiverse's most dramatic orchestra pit..
In any case, Loki is super stoked that his stepbrother is finally visiting him in the prison Thor so casually threw him into after Loki nearly destroyed all human life on Earth with his Tesseract/Chitauri invasion scheme that was overall masterminded by a villain that we're apparently going to have to wait, probably, another five movies to see. (see: The Avengers plot)
But Thor doesn't visit Loki to catch up on old times, or teabag his drum set (VERY NSFW clip) or anything like that. Thor needs Loki's help to.. I don't know.. Rest of the trailer. Loki is, again, super stoked that his stepbrother is totally going to release him from prison! After some sage-like wisdom-- ripped entirely from the movie Legend (couldn't find a clip.. You're just gonna hafta take my word for it)-- from the man who names everything after himself, Odinfather Allfather Odin-ngton, a giant, black space dick (two Re-viewings in a row mentioning space dicks?) starts dragging itself along the Earth. Why is it that Earth always gets dicked over in these? Why is Earth always the ultimate prize? I guess because this is a movie made by the people of Earth and Earth is ALWAYS the ultimate prize.
In any case, take what I said about the Earth and blow it out your ass, because Thor comes down to Earth just long enough to move this fight to one of the other Nine Worlds for the sake of our planet and its inhabitants because THAT'S WHAT SUPERHEROES SHOULD DO IF THEY ARE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY. (Superman.. You fuck.) Regardless, Thor shows up, I assume he punches that black space dick back into space, and then he kidnaps Jane Foster to take her back to Asgard. You know, for safe-keeping.
Heimdall (Idris Elba), the all-seeing Odinguard of the Odinfrost bridge between the Nine Odinworlds, explains the new threat to Thor in a way that STILL manages to keep us in the Odindark as to what the OdinHell is actually going on. Luckily, there is one person who DOES know what's going on! Unfortunately, that one person is Loki. And that guy's kind of an asshole. Out of sheer desperation, Thor enlists Loki, anyway.. But not before everyone shows their solidarity by insulting, threatening, and/or punching Loki in the face! Or at least, everyone who could make it..
This November.. Er.. Uhmm.. This five days ago, a man who clearly cut the face off of a Teletubby and glued it to his own face will challenge one of Earth's Mightiest Heroes to a game of, "Stop me or I'm going to destroy the fabric of reality because I am stuck wearing this Teletubby mask because I otherwise look like a Troll from Ernest Scared Stupid." And in that game, there are absolutely zero winners. But come on! Thor can't lose, right? This is Thor we're talking about here! There's no problem too big that it can't be solved by just hitting it really hard with a magical hammer of indeterminable power! Right? Right?!
So, the stakes have never been higher. I mean, ALL of reality is at stake, now. And it all comes down to one golden-tressed hunk of a man being able to defeat what looks like a really high-level Power Rangers bad guy. But forget about all that for a second, because the final scene of the trailer shows Thor solving problems by hitting them really hard with that hammer-thingy of his!
So, this is still only Phase Two of Marvel's diabolical plan to collect all of the money on the planet, and I am STILL interested! I'm really thinking that I'm going to ride this superhero movie bubble until it Jackson Pollocks all over whatever the crap the next movie fad is. I can't wait to check this out and annoy all of my friends with my FANTASTIC Thor impression that I am VERY good at and will undoubtedly be doing over the next SEVERAL months. Unfortunately, Kenneth Branagh isn't a part of this action anymore, and has turned the reins over to Alan Taylor. It does seem like Alan Taylor has hit a lot of the same tones his predecessor laid down, though. But don't be surprised if Kenneth Branagh's next movie has something to do with not directing this sequel.