The pReview Re-viewing of..
(formerly Neighborhood Watch)
CLICKING THE TITLE WILL OPEN THE RED BAND TRAILER IN A SEPARATE WINDOW
(it is highly recommended to watch the trailer and THEN read!)
(warning: Contains profanity.. Also, reading this MAY prevent anal probing.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: July 27, 2012
The premise: In a sleepy community, four men form a neighborhood watch to protect the citizens of their town. They soon discover that they are not alone.. Not in the sense that the population of their town is more than just four, but in the sense that some dick aliens (Not "dick aliens", but aliens who are, in fact, dicks.. But not literally dicks.. Nevermind.) are slowly taking over and replacing everyone. But not on THEIR watch! (Did you see what I did there?) So, basically it's like Evolution and Monster Squad fell into a car compactor and a more fucked up, more updated, suburban Attack the Block came out.. And it looked like this:
The original teaser trailer for this was spectacular. It just featured suburbanite reactions to an unknown force in a slow moving car, to the tune of "Still D.R.E." And the big reveal is that Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, and Richard Ayoade (Moss from The IT Crowd) are part of the neighborhood watch, driving around in a hybrid mini-van. This, of course, was a poor marketing strategy because they should have known that some moron was going to go gung-ho in Florida, and turn the term "neighborhood watch" into a giant fear-mongering task force of vigilantism. So they pulled that shit down, changed the name of the movie, and threw up the long term strategy quicker than Fox News could say, I don't know, probably something racist, and probably something about it being the victim's fault.
The trailer begins, immediately discounting the idea that this is an actual neighborhood watch comedy. Ben Stiller clears the air by letting us all know that they're in the middle of an alien invasion. Like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, any one of them could be an alien, and it is up to a small pocket of resistance to fuck their subterfug-ally laden infiltration plans entirely up. WOLVERINES! (Subterfugally is totally a word.. Shut up..) Holding down the fort at a CostCo, the four heroes strategize over how they're going to handle the sitch. (Actually, CostCo has a wide variety of items for sale to help with any sort of fort or sitch.) The group starts weeding out possible suspects IN CostCo..
The aliens start picking people off, one by one, and The Watch won't let their small town become ground zero for an alien invasion. They go to R. Lee Ermey's house to investigate and are told to promptly to eat fuck and shit directly off of his property (paraphrased).. At gun point. This is, of course, extreeeeeeeemely suspicious behavior for an old coot, and so they decide to infiltrate his possible alien headquarters. Let me just say this: The idea of Jonah Hill dressed like a girl haunts me.. I don't want to see it. It is one of the two things on Earth that I don’t think I ever want to see. The other is a 96 year old man with suction dildos attached to 80% of his naked body. (You KNOW that is a legitimate fear.) That being said, the gang talks about dressing Jonah Hill up like a girl, having him seduce R. Lee Ermey, and finding out what he's up to. Worst case scenario: Jonah Hill is taking the pound town train to getting Marine pressed in his glory box. Best case scenario is that absolutely none of that happens. And then, they replace that image by giving me a million dollars for putting that image in my head to begin with.
Then, the shit gets real and the foursome start unraveling mystery after mystery, culminating in the discovery of a green substance on the back of their car. The substance, which may or may not be alien jizz, is examined by the group with extreme caution. And by caution, I mean that they just reach down and put their fingers in it. In their defense, not one discovery in the history of mankind has ever been made without just shoving your fingers into it. (Citation needed.) Luckily for them, the substance is not some corrosive acid, ala Alien.. But more like hair gel, ala There's Something About Mary. (And that “something” is that she didn't understand hair gel, the proper procedure when finding hair gel on another human being, or that there is no way that Ben Stiller's semen smelled like hair gel.. It probably smelled like.. I don’t know.. Potatoes au gratin or something.) It’s a good thing she didn't date an alien!
In the middle of the alien blood/cum debate (Not mixed together), Jonah Hill discovers a magic ball of metal, technology, and destruction. They come to an agreement that they should be even more cautious with this discovery than they were with their green mystery fluid, but.. Wait.. Did I say MORE cautious? I meant, they charge the ball up and blow up a fucking cow. And then a barn. And then, presumably, themselves. For they will eventually find a ball big enough to destroy the entire world! Mwahahaha!
This movie looks fantastic. It’s directed by Akiva Schaeffer (one third of the Lonely Island crew), and co-written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. (Other notable team-ups between the two: Superbad, Pineapple Express, and The Green Hornet) I have always absolutely loved the concept of inept people fighting aliens. Mars Attacks, Evolution, Attack the Block, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, The Faculty, Critters, Independence Day, Predator 2.. Hell, even Charlie Sheen wrecked a whole alien invasion with his insanity in The Arrival! It's more realistic, you know? Like, if a real alien invasion happened, it wouldn't be the Men in Black that show up.. It'd be four lovable idiots dressed in matching winged tiger jackets, accidentally winning. Which is kind of a metaphor for life, if you ask me.