The pReview Re-viewing of..
Star Trek (no colon) Into Darkness!
CHECK OUT THE TRAILER BELOW!
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read)
(warning: All wild speculation has been violently abandoned and quietly killed on the planet Delta Vega. With cursing!)
by Jeff Finck
written: Star Date 2013.3534
Release Date: 5/17/2013
Have you ever wondered if we, as humans, are alone in the universe? Ever wondered what it would be like to travel to distant worlds and interact with new species? Ever want to fuck an alien? I mean.. "Make love" to an alien. Yeah, that's what I meant. Well, ignoring what you actually said, I assume that we've all had that urge! Through the power of imagination, and an almost fifty year-long running series, we now know so much about what traveling through space could be.. We know what it will probably be like to visit far off galaxies.. We know the moral ambiguity that sometimes comes along with intergalactic relations.. We know that, if we're going to survive, we need to rise up as one people. We also know that almost every alien culture will most likely be humanoid.. And we absolutely know that if they're green, we'll probably want to bang it..
So, I'm just going to assume that if you're reading this, you actually have a decent idea of what Star Trek is really all about (life, love, friendship, teamwork, morality, funny head prosthetics etc.). Actually, if you know what the words "star" and "trek" mean, and you don't have an idea of the basis of what this is about, then you're fired. Seriously. Get out. But in all fairness, I should probably recap, anyway. Everything you need to know about JJ Abrams' Star Trek is one easy click away.. Click Scotty and Keenser to read/look at my full Re-Watching of Star Trek (2009) and get all kinds of caught up!
Now, where was I? Oh yeah! So here we are in part two.. Well, technically NOT part two.. But, like, the sequel to the first movie that is a stand alone feature that has nothing to do with the first movie, except for the fact that all of the same people are in it. Except that guy in the red shirt who died. From the first one. He's not in it. Oh, and the bad guy died in the first one, too. So he's not in this one, either. And neither is any of that guy's crew.. All dead. There are some new people in this one that weren't in the first one, though! Even though, the bad guy from this one was probably in the first one, considering his name is John, he hates Starfleet, and seems generally annoyed and flustered with Kirk..
We begin the trailer by hitting play, assuming that this is a normal 'play button' having world and not some whacky, Communist 'share' button world. (..fucking Facebook..) We also believe that our world is safe and absolutely no soothing British accented madman will make us think otherwise. HOLY FUCK! The first words spoken to us are in a soothing British accent by a complete madman, and completely contradict the fact that we all totally thought our world was safe! FUCK! As our minds and senses of security are Phaser-blasted through our skulls by "John Harrison" (Benedict Cumberbatch aka Sherlock "Motherfucking" Homes), London explodes and Robocop is forced to pick up the shattered remains.
The prime suspect is immediately ID'd as Wunnuvar Topajence. (I wonder if that's John Harrison's codename?) There's a chance I spelled it wrong, but then again, wen hav eye effer speeled anithing correktlee? Apparently, our villain's ears were ringing and he knew that people were talking shit behind his back.. Couple that with the fact that the people in charge have committed some serious slights in Harrison's eyes that he cannot forgive.. And he shows up in a murder-copter and murders everyone right to copter.. RIGHT in front of Captain James T. Kirk (Chris Pine)!
Uhhhhhhmmm.. That's Craig T. Nelson.
That's Kirk Cameron..
Dammit! That's J. Ralph Kirk, a deceased Member of Parliament in the Canadian House of Commons. What the crap?!
In one of his *many* acts of hubris, Kirk volunteers himself and his entire ragtag crew of conveniently promoted-in-the-last-movie officers to chase this maniac down.. And.. Like.. I don't know.. Tell him to stop it. Or something. After being warned that Starfleet is not about vendettas.. Kirk disregards that all to hell, decides that Starfleet IS for vendettas, then vendettas his way through the galaxy.. Vendetta style!
Bones (Karl Urban) tries to dissuade Kirk from going after Harrison.. But then Kirk uses good old-fashioned misdirection by changing clothes mid-sentence and commandeers the ship without anyone even realizing it!
I assume, in some whacky escape plan, Kirk takes hold of a small craft and flexes his grasp of "That's what she said" on such a massive scale that he needs Spock (Zachary Quinto), Uhura (Zoe Saldana), and Sulu (John Cho). After narrowly escaping the enemy ship, Harrison goes full Dark Jedi on a bunch of people, (I can think of another superhuman feather-mulleted former bad guy who went all Dark Jedi on a certain Captain Kirk once..) only to be captured by the crew of the Enterprise. And then escape again, threatening to walk over everyone's cold corpses while punchifying Kirk's face until it falls off the not-bleeding-from-every-pore bandwagon and starts bleeding all over bejeezus and back again.
Pay attention, because this year.. Dr. Carol Marcus (Alice Eve) will seduce the William Ware Theiss velour underpants off of Kirk..
This year.. There will be zero respect for the Red Queen and her red ass forest!
This year, I'm pretty sure Star Fox!
This year, like every year prior-- And probably every year to come-- the crew of the USS Enterprise is out-gunned, out-manned, out-jumped, out-Trek'd.. And according to Baddie McBadguy (yeah, I said it!), John Harrison, out-done in every way. Always the sore loser, Kirk says, "Fuck all that bullshit!" ..and then, seemingly out of spite, drops the Enterprise onto Alcatraz, just to prove that no one can wreck a space ship better than he can! Take that, you futuristic dick hole!
Despite all of the nay-saying with JJ Abrams rewriting everyone's beloved canon, and despite all of the bitching and moaning that it wasn't a "Star Trek" movie and it was too "effects driven" and "completely and fucking awesomely riddled with action".. I think a majority of the fans probably thought, "Holy fucking shit! Fuck! DAMN! OMG!!!! GOOD GRAVY GODS!!11!1!one!1!!!" Seriously, some people need to just calm the fuck down. On both sides! Time travel and alternate timelines have been around since 1967! Fuck's sake, there's NO way everyone forgot about Evil Spock and his evil goatee of evilness! So, we're one movie in and I'm already hooked as fuck on what comes next. Let's just hope that in the next sequel, we get a glimpse into real darkness..