The pReview Re-viewing of..
P R O M E T H E U S
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read.)
(warning: Contains profanity and remnants of H.R. Giger.. beware.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: June 8, 2012
The premise: In the time of yore, Iapetus, the brother of Cronus, got frisky with one of the 3000 daughters of Oceanus and Tethys, called Clymene. Shortly after their intimate god-like freakage, Clymene was all, "I feel pregnant." And then Prometheus popped out, kicked Zeus in the dick, and then stole his fire. Then, in an ultimate "Fuck You," gave the fire to mankind. This, in turn, revolutionized survival and, ironically, our ability to kill each other. This movie is about none of that.
Finally, Prometheus has landed! As we head up river on our journey, we come to a waterfall. A bland, generic, nothing special about it, kind of waterfall.. Like if someone took Niagara Falls and moved them to the middle of Iowa. But then, holy shit, there's a fucking spaceship dangling in the sky! Then again, it could have just been the Goodyear Blimp, that thing usually goes wherever the hell it wants.
Via voice over, a woman tells the story of a hypothetical king and how, after he had his reign, inevitably died. Which is kind of messed up in light of the VERY recent deaths of Michael Jackson (the King of Pop), Elvis Presley (The King), Martin Luther King, Jr., the USS King (Decommissioned in 1945), King (the AQHA Hall of Fame Quarter Horse), King (the British 1980s synth pop band from Coventry, England), Armor King (of Tekken fame), and the Canadian children's television program in the early 2000s, simply called King. I feel like this story is very insensitive.
What's interesting about the tale of this ambiguous "king", is that it is told over a shot of Lord Voldemort being transformed into the dude from Beastly. He's standing over the aforementioned waterfall and then the trailer cuts away to let us know that this is, in fact, a Sci-Fi movie, and NOT Harry Potter, or whatever the fuck Beastly was supposed to be. There are space ships! We got cryo-chambers, space storms, the 20th Century Fox logo! Wait a minute.. The 20th Century Fox logo? That must mean time travel!
In the next bit of storyline, a group of explorers on Earth seem to have found, in at least seven different ancient civilizations, the same pictogram. This could mean any number of things: Either an asshole fine arts student/Highlander was running around history painting the same thing on every wall he could find, or graffiti vampires really exist. Or mankind has been influenced by a greater power for centuries and centuries, assisting us with every major discovery since the beginning of time (ahemFIREahemPROMETHEUSahem), oooooOOOooooorrrr, Banksy has been running around the ruins of ancient civilizations, just fucking with us.
It's hinted that the pictogram is actually an invitation from some hyper-intelligent beings, welcoming us into space with open arms. Or tentacles. Or whatever the hell these extra-terrestrials will inevitably have. We figure out where we're going, and with no questions asked (or caution heeded), we hop, skip and jump along on our merry way, with stars in our eyes and chest bursters in our hearts.. I mean, hope in our hearts.
Prometheus' crew.. ooooh, I just this moment got why this is called Prometheus. Anyway, Prometheus' crew lands on the planet, Garblehimmingobble (or whatever it will ACTUALLY be called), and immediately begin doing sciencey things. They walk around, they look at stuff, they launch probes, introduce Michael Fassbender into the ecosystem: All sorts of kooky things.
Then, all hell breaks loose. As the team discovers that they're not exactly alone, they also realize they're inside a ship designed to back track the path in which Prometheus came. Oh no! Way to go mankind's hubris. Oh, and then they all start getting infected with alien stuffs. Like their zygotes.. Or space sperm.. Or something. This, of course, starts transforming them all into the booger monsters from Flight of the Navigator, no doubt.
The last bits of the trailer are set to an annoying klaxon-ic type noise, interspersed with images of dread, terror, and motherfucking Space Jockeys! I read somewhere that the purpose of this movie is to give us an idea of where WE come from, but to also sate Ridley Scott's obsession with the Space Jockey since Alien. So I would expect a whole bunch more H.R. Giger inspired set pieces.
Why this works as a stand-alone movie: It doesn't. I mean, not really, anyway. You have this huge history that Ridley Scott has created in space. And now, we have another, even more history-er space creation, based on, and in the same universe of Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, Alien vs Predator, and Alien vs Predator: Requiem.. Not to mention, WildC.A.T.S., Witchblade, Judge Dredd, the Terminator, Green Lantern, Superman, and Batman.. Seriously: CLICK HERE. Allegedly a new tangent is being spun with Prometheus to distance ourselves from the "already established", but then the trailer has this image to bring us all back:
Why this works as a prequel: Honestly, you can superimpose any picture from any movie into anything and call it a prequel. So, I guess on every level, this could work as a prequel. (And so could the above crossovers.. Sigh.):
Why this movie works: In spite of all the rumors, it's still a Ridley Scott film with a great cast that's based on a Ridley Scott film with a great cast. Period. When all is said and done, who cares if this is a direct prequel? Who cares if this is even tied in at all, honestly? I'm super excited to check this out. And for those people who have issues with it being called Prometheus, just be glad it wasn't called something silly, like: Paradise. Or From Space Jockey to Kelly.