The pReview Re-viewing of..
(CLICK THE TITLE TO VIEW THE TRAILER IN A SEPARATE WINDOW)
highly recommended to view trailer and then read
(warning: Contains cursing. Also, only ONE Dolemite reference.)
by: Jeff Finck
The premise: The last movie left off with Cobra Commander and Destro in captivity, while the wiley Zartan, the master of disguises he is, was left free to roam the world as the President of the United States. Now, the new "President" finds a way to frame the Joes, and has them all eliminated with a grand gesture. All of them, except.. you know.. like, about half of them. So, Duke (Channing Bro-tum), Snake Eyes (Darth Maul), Roadblock (The Rock), Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki), Flint (D.J. Cotrona), Jinx (Elodie Yung), Cross Country (Stephen Martines), Tunnel Rat (Eddie Hargitay), and Mouse (Joseph Mazzello) all try to fight back! (But, do you see what I mean? There's still like a million of these motherfuckers left to fight Cobra!)
The trailer starts off on a rather military commercial kind of note, with the Rock asking if you want to make a difference.. spliced with shots of climbing mountains and flying in jets, and being a sexy ninja lady, wearing red spandex, and being attractive. Sign me up! But as soon as it looks all happy go lucky, all hell breaks loose. Channing Tatum, doing his best Mark Wahlberg impersonation, looks on as explosions rock the Joe base. An all out aerial assault decimates literally dozens of unnamed characters and background players. This leads into the Presssssident (did you see what I did there?) announcing that GI Joe has betrayed the nation, and shows us Snake Eyes being locked up.. IN his suit for some reason. I guess maybe they're just anticipating him escaping right away, so, you know, what's the fucking point? Side note: there is a shot of Cobra Commander (full mask), standing between President Zartan and Ray Stevenson! So, prehaps Joey Gordy Leevsy is back to voice the reptilian leader? Fingers crossed.
In the aftermath of the Taking of Pelham G-I-J, a few Joes remain to pick up the scattered pieces. This is probably the scene where they explain away the non-returning cast: No more black Ripcord played by Marlon Wayans.. who is denied yet another sequel to a ridiculous movie. (see: Dungeons and Dragons). The toasty Rachel Nichols will not return as Scarlett, apparently. The mouthful from England, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje's Heavy Duty is no longer on the roster. Also, Saïd Taghmaoui's Breaker will be absent. And lastly, Brendan Fraser doesn't seem to be making another cameo as Sgt. Stone. (total body count: 1 African American comedian, a redheaded American hottie, 1 British-Nigerian fashion model, a French Morrocan, and one goofy American named Brendan) So they replaced that small pocket of diversity gathered, to keep from having to say, "Real American Hero," in the Rise of Cobra with all the (ahem lack of ahem) diversity of almost an entirely American cast! But I digress.. as I was saying: In the aftermath, the completely new and totally "diverse" cast is left to assess the sitch. Roadblock decides that they were set up from the start.. the start of what, I'm not entirely sure.. but the start, nontheless.
As the trailer starts showing us the actual Rise of Cobra (The first movie showed us nothing of the sort.. shoulda been called "Mayhem in France), the White Stripes' Seven Nation Army begins playing in the background.. but a darker, more Deadmau5ier version by a group called the Glitch Mob. It plays well against the Cobra flags being raised and the forces of evil gathering for.. whatever the hell they always gather for. Flags unfurl from the White House, and that seems to be the last straw before the GI Joe squad finally fights back. Roadblock turns into Heavy Duty, Snake Eyes gets a toy motorcycle, Jinx plays swordfight.. but NOT in a bathroom stall.. Lady Jaye plays dress up, and finally, Storm Shadow has yet another showdown with his "brother" Snake Eyes. The quick cuts all lead up to the grandiose, high flying, mountain climbing stunt between Cobra ninjas vs GI Joe ninjas. The scene is basically like mountain climbing on Brawndo. It's got what plants crave.. but it's also like mountain climbing, which can be exciting in and of itself, except that they added ninjas.. with swords.. and GRAVITY! They leap at each other with all the intensity of tap dancing on a glass table while being suspended over the Sarlac pit.. and violence ensues. And so does gravity.
As the trailer comes to a close, the team huddles up and attempts to run down their allies. Duke assumes that there is no one to trust, but luckily, Roadblock knows a man.. THE man: Bruce Willis, whom I assume is coming in as the ACTUAL greatest American hero: John McClane! Chances are, he's going to be Joseph Colton, aka GENERAL Joseph Colton, aka the ORIGINAL GI Joe. But he's witty, and sassy, and apparently unreal with firearms.. so, yeah, he's basically John McClane. Can't wait!
I hope you know that I am serious when I say how excited I am for this movie to come out. I really enjoyed the first one.. despite it's HEAVY and NUMEROUS flaws. It was just good fun. And that's all the cartoons/comics/toys were: just good old, mindless entertaining, fun. I thought they nailed that with Rise of Cobra. Who cares if the plot makes sense?! Do you remember Cobra ever doing anything that made sense? Hell, the plot of every episode was GI Joe trying to figure out who was behind whatever ridiculous terrorist thing was going on, and EVERY time being surprised that it was Cobra! It was just a good strategy for kids shows: Transformers (it was the Decepticons!?), He-Man (Skeletor?!), Thundercats (Mum-Ra?!!), the Smurfs (Gargamel was behind it?!), hell, even Scooby-Doo (I don't care what people say, it was ALWAYS Old Man Jenkins! Even if it wasn't!) So, yeah, I can NOT wait for this to hit theaters. Only thing I have against this is: missed opportunity to not get Rudy Ray Moore to be Roadblock.. I don't even care if he is dead. The rhyming pimp will always be alive to me!
Release Date: June 29, 2012
RIP Mike Huber