The pReview Re-viewing of..
CLICK THE TITLE TO VIEW THE TRAILER IN A SEPARATE WINDOW
(it is highly recommended to view the trailer and THEN read!)
(warning: Not to be confused with Monster Squad or Gangster Squash.)
by Jeff Finck
Release Date: January 11, 2013
Los Angeles in the 40s and 50s was full of Hollywoodland parties, alcohol induced orgies, Malt Shoppe Fight Clubs, hide and seek with Tommy Guns, Japanese submarine pranks, and, apparently, a private battle against organized crime waged by the LAPD. Nick Nolte plays Chief of Police William Parker, the real life police chief that would turn the LAPD from the corrupt force it had become into a slightly less corrupt force.. Complete with a small group of police officers (Josh Brolin, Ryan Gosling, Robert Patrick, Anthony Mackie, Giovanni Ribisi, Michael Peña) who were above the law.. At the request of Chief law guy, William Parker. A solid, totally legit, non-corrupt usage of man-power.
Let me start off by saying that Mickey Cohen (Sean Penn) was a bad guy. If there was any doubt about his cinematic guilt, the trailer opens with the organized crime equivalent of the Alec Baldwin-God Complex speech from Malice. Mickey Cohen declares himself God and confronts one of his peons. Peon number one apologizes profusely to Mickey and swears to God (Remember: According to Mickey, this guy is now swearing to him) that he will never make another mistake again. In a graceful display of total benevolence, Mickey locks the guy and some other peons in an elevator and sets the damn thing on fire like he has Pyromaniacal Tourette's.
All seems lost in the world of law enforcement. They show Sergeant John O'Mara (Brolin) and Sergeant Jerry Wooters (Ryan Gosling) drink away their troubles while Chief Parker (Nolte) publicly accepts the fact that Los Angeles has become a breeding ground for Eastern crooks. Cut to Mickey Cohen.. Again, he declares himself a higher power and proceeds to jump up and down, pounding on his chest, I assume.. Telling his parents to fuck off and demanding independence, freedom and the ability to borrow their car.
Chief Parker goes on to claim that these dirty no-goodniks are here to stay and that he ain't havin' it. He's declaring war. But, for some reason, public duels aren't very couth anymore, and so the Chief must assemble a vigilante squad to covertly have public shoot-outs and publicly wage their secret war.. Even if it means shoving it in everyone's face or tackling people through glass roofs onto people! So O'Mara is placed in charge and must put together his ragtag team of five brash young officers, just itching to abuse their trigger fingers and mustaches all in the name of justice. Well.. Four younger officers and Robert Patrick dressed as a walrus dressed as a cop.
Leaving their badges at home-- Because, you know, who needs stinking badges? --the Magnificent Six tool up and prep for war! Just as everyone's making peace with Jesus or Buddha or Muhammad.. Or, in Robert Patrick's case, I don't know, The Carpenter’s well dressed, pinniped partner in crime.. Wooters meets Mickey Cohen's personal moll: Grace Faraday (Emma Stone).
Wooters tells her that he's a Bible salesman (told over a series of scenes where Wooters is shown being the most aggressive Bible salesman ever), because everyone knows that Bible salesmen get all the ass.
Once the Goz gets that sex in him, though, he gets all antsy in the pantsy and apparently turns into a fucking psychopath. The first thing he does after biopsying Mickey Cohen's moll (eh? STILL making mole jokes.. About sex! I'm priceless.) is murder the living teeth out of some goon's head with a shotgun. Then, presumably, he destroys a car to maintain his erection.
All of this "going to war with Mickey Cohen" gets Mickey Cohen pissed and he decides he needs to retaliate. So he and his thugs grab a bunch of Tommy Guns and light up a movie theater.. is how this sentence would have gone if I had written this trailer re-viewing back in June of 2012. Without dwelling too much on the awful tragedy in Aurora, Colorado.. Let's just say that the scene would have been in poor taste to leave in. So, instead, the filmmakers made the decision to completely ignore every random act of real life drive-by violence and have Mickey and friends light a house up in the middle of the night like it's a Christmas tree that runs on bullets. It's a good thing they didn't try that shit with an old-timey cartoon house, though..
In the midst of the retaliatory war against the LAPD's secret retaliatory war to the crime war that was already being waged in the first place in response to the war on crime that started because crime exists to begin with (whew..), our heroes must secure their women because, without that element, it's just a Cops vs. Gangsters flick full of bullets, explosions, and finely tailored suits.. And who wants that? Oh, and Jay-Z shows up with his song Oh My God.. Because without that element, the trailer is just filled with bullets, explosions, finely tailored suits, women and probably Eminem shaming Anthony Mack in a rap battle.
The principal cast is splashed across the screen with Genya Ravan becoming progressively more and more excited about it.. And then someone blows up Chinatown. Probably because of how excited Genya was getting. The trailer winds down at the end, though, with the slowest exchange of gun fire ever.. And then the title is gingerly lain over what I assume is the Iron Giant's penis.
I can't effing wait to see this movie! It is about six months overdue.. Now, I don't say that without compassion or a lack of regard for why it's six months overdue.. But I say that with a genuine tingling in the gangster-movie nipple area of my brain. My excitement aside, I've read some complaints that the movie looks too "polished" or "new" for a period piece. Bullshit. I think the whole thing looks spectacular! I don't know if it was intentional or not, but seeing as this is kind of based on a chronicle of actual events and is probably from a completely biased point of view, it seems like a neat idea to sensationalize and stylize everything. In my opinion, it totally makes sense that it looks hyper-real and a bit over the top! Besides, if it wasn't, it would probably have been some kind of throw-away documentary about Mickey Cohen..